Insensitive Comments

I was at the nail salon yesterday and a worker there that I have known for several years told my friend and the entire salon as she practically yelled out, "She was SO big before!"  While I appreciate the fact that she was trying to compliment my now smaller self, I found the comment to be extremely rude and insensitive.  People who have never had weight issues in their lives cannot possibly understand the struggle nor can they understand the negative body issues that I have always had to deal with.  This is definitely another case of needing to be careful what comes out of one's mouth.  Thanks for letting me vent with people I know understand!

I understand how you feel, I have heard a dozen or so comments such as these. Chances are, it will happen a few more times and you will either have to decide whether or not you want to be assertive and confront them... or try your best to let it go and vent someplace like here. It's a ****ty thing, but I'm sure we all have been guilty of making some sort of insensitive comment unintentionally in our lives. I try to keep that in mind when I want to smack some people haha! Hang in there!

I would never go back to that salon.  Very few people are still in my life who knew me when I was big and I certainly don't want to be reminded of it.  I found it easier in many ways to just start over with different friends.  Of course you can't start over with different family. 

The worker who was so rude would not benefit from being told how hurt you were.  She would just keep the issue going by telling others that you were offended. 

It is too bad that your stylist will lose a customer but there are lots of stylists in the world and you might find one you like better.

People definitely have different ways of addressing big physical changes - some more blunt than others. I try not to let it bother me because hey, I know I was big before. No amount of trying to pose myself in good angles or sucking my cheeks in was going to convince people I wasn't big and look vastly different now. No matter what, when you lose a large amount of weight, some people are shocked and some reactions can be much more insensitive than others.

Is it rude? Hell yes! Since this is a place of business, I would likely not go back if I was made to feel uncomfortable. I would be worried that it would always be brought up when this person saw me. For example, if they were handling another client, I would dread to hear "Oh! You see that lady? She lost SOOO much weight! It's crazy! She used to be HUGE!" 

It's hard for people who have never really had to struggle with their weight to understand how loaded even innocent comments can be to someone who has ALWAYS been aware of their body. Even when people compliment me now like "Holy crap! You look sooo good now! You lost so much weight," it's hard for me because it makes me think "Jeez! What did they think of me before?"

I would have confronted the worker or address that issue with the manager.. 

a nice way is to say: " you probably don't realize that comment like, is both very insensitive and insulting.  Please don't do that ever again.  "  

May I ask if the worker was Asian? Being the grandchild of Asian immigrants, I can tell you first hand, they say a lot of things they don't MEAN to be harmful but come across that way because it's NOT sugarcoated.

For instance, my grandmother used to call me fat all the time until I told her it hurt my feelings. She was very taken back and said, "No no, you're just big. I don't mean it to be hurtful."

I find that most people who make these kind of remarks are driven by their own insecurities.  However, that doesn't always make it easy to deal with.  

Guess I see it from a different angle: She was being complimentary. You didn't appreciate the delivery, but it was still her being complimentary. 

The fact is we were ALL BIG. It's part of our histories. We will be reminded of it from time to time. Water off a duck's back. 

I have to agree Kairk, my father in law recently said to me, "I never said anything about it before, but, YOU WERE FAT!"

It made me laugh, and I took it as a compliment, because he said WERE FAT.  No one knows how fat a person is better than the fat person.  

I was at my father's birthday party, and my brother introduced me to his new girlfriend.  He kept on emphasizing to her how "big" I was before the surgery.  She knew it was inappropriate and didn't have much of a reaction.  He thought she didn't get it, so he kept saying things like "you should've seen how big her head was before." I wasn't flattered, but I laughed it off and told him to shut up. This is typical behavior for him - he has poor impulse control and is not "socially gifted." His girlfriend looked like she wanted to melt into the floor.  People think they are being complimentary, and just don't realize how socially inappropriate it is to comment on someone's weight.  It's not only embarrassing to the person they are directing it towards, but also to everyone else in earshot. 

I teach students with intellectual disabilities and I always tell them to NEVER make comments on someone's weight, and in general, not to comment on other's appearances (because it can be misconstrued in multiple ways - harassment, etc).  If it is someone you have a close relationship with (like a friend or family member), general compliments like "you look nice" or "I like your earrings/hair/shirt, etc" are appropriate.  Most of them get it.  I wish I could say the same for the "typical" population!