OT: Follow-up marriage question

Hi Ruggie.  Congratulations on the impending nuptials. :-)  I hadn't seen your original post, so had to go back and read it, so will provide my two cents worth to both posts here.  I'm a minister, so have probably been in on the planning portion of more weddings than most.

With the current question about who to invite, it might be a good idea to look at what precedent has been set in the past.  It's not only the issue of "the boss having favorites," but also possibly making someone feel obligated to attend, give a gift, etc., who isn't in a financial position to do so.  This has so much to do with the culture of the specific workplace, too.  In the agency where I'm currently employed (which is admittedly about 95% female), there would be someone just dying to give you a wedding shower at work which would give those employees an opportunity to wish you well, and yet not obligate them or you to the full-blown event.  Is there anyone with whom you're close enough at work to give a nudge in that direction?

Some of your questions:  child-free or not, weekday or weekend, may be better answered after you know who you're inviting.  If most of the folks you invite are childless or will be just coming to the wedding and reception that day, having the event adult-only makes sense.  But if you're inviting a bunch of people with multiple kids who will be flying in and staying for a couple days, at minimum it would be a good idea to be able to provide people with information about available childcare.  Just be aware that you may need to be pretty direct about the adult only part...

Re. finding an officiant:  if your venue does weddings regularly, they can probably recommend someone.  Depending on your religious/spiritual leanings or not, the local courthouse could give you names of JP's; you could approach a local church; look into what California requirements are for officiating at a wedding--you might have a friend or family member who could qualify.  (For example, most states allow ordained clergy to perform marriage ceremonies; the requirements for ordination, however, are left with the denomination which can have many or few requirements...)  (If you get in a pinch, let me know... :-) )

That's a few things to think about.  But there's one other thing:  part of deciding who you invite is deciding why you're having a ceremony.  For some reason, instead of just going down to the courthouse and talking with the judge--and maybe even having a party afterwards--you've decided to invite people to this "promise making" event.  In the good part of my tradition, the reason you made the promises "before God and these witnesses" is the rather somber recognition that, without the help and support of both God and the community, keeping those promises would be an insurmountable task.  They aren't any easier to keep now. So from that point of view (okay, my point of view), who you invite are the people you want to help you keep those promises.  There are  lots of other reasons people choose to have a wedding--social, familial, political, whatever.  If you approach your planning thru that lens, it should help. 

Blessings!  Judee

 

Its funny you bring this up.  Thomas and I are looking forward to formally legalizing our marriage next year after DOMA falls.  We have been thinking about either Seattle or California.

I'll tell you - I would invite them if it was me.

I used to manage a team of about 30 people on shore.  My boss and I always had a disagreement about the whole "managerial distance" issue.  I believed in a lot less of it than he did.  I used to have my team over to my house all the time, we all had a very close relationship.  When I left, they all did too.  It was a tough balance - making sure that they all knew I cared about them as people, was there for them personally, but still being their boss and holding them accountable for their performance.

In your case, decide what your relationship with them is.  If you have more of an acquaintance relationship that is based on the 8 - 10 hours a day you are there, maybe don't invite the team.  IF you are closer personally and you want to share this moment with them, feel free.

I would definitely be careful about not only inviting some and not others.  That can definitely set up an awful dynamic.  If you do invite them, be sure that they know that it is purely a social invitation and their attendance is purely voluntary and is only you wanting to share this special occasion with the people you spend the other part of your life with.  Finally, maybe check with your HR person to make sure that there are no company fraternization rules that may complicate the issue too.  Some older more formal companies have some rules on the books for these kinds of situations.

 

Now, I am off to read your other thread!

Ruggie!  Congratulations!  This is way OT, but I LOVE the Macklemore video for Same Love--and my daughter is in it.  She's practically the star, if by "star" you mean someone on screen for .4 seconds.  Anyway, here's the link.  Have a big giant wedding with lots of falling paper, just like the one in the video.  Oh!  And sparklers!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0

 

Best of luck, and a life of happiness and love to you both.

Have you thought about having a split wedding?

It's very common in New Zealand to have people that you invite to the small intimate wedding ceremony and dinner. Then you also have a slightly larger list of people that you invite to join you later after the dinner for the "dance and celebration" bit in the evening.

This way, you can still include a bigger group of people, without having the expense of the full wedding feast for everyone. You could invite your work team to the evening bit, but not the ceremony and dinner part.

Everyone gets to celebrate without, without anyone getting upset that they were excluded.

My 2 cents...if you normally socialize with these folks outside of work and would invite them over to your house for dinner or would be invited to their place, invite them. Otherwise, nah. In fact, my boss had a rule that he wouldn't attend anyone's wedding because he didn't want to play favorites. He gave gifts, threw parties for the couples but never attended the nuptials.

and as far as inviting their plus ones, these days budgetwise, you only need to include those significant others that you may personally know: So those people that they are in committed relationships with (living with, married, engaged, been together with for a long time, etc), not the person they met last week or someone they are bringing because they don't want to come alone. I have attended many a friend's wedding alone. It's very much the norm.

I think if you make it clear from the very beginning that you are having a SMALL, INTIMATE wedding and need to stick to a budget, people will be far more understanding than you realize. I also live in an expensive city (NYC) and this is just normal here.