keeping wls private

This totally reflects my situation...I am a pastors wife in a small community church and I am very nervous about sharing about my upcoming WLS.....My BMI is on the low side too,so I do expect people to wonder why I just don't get on the treadmill before doing a life altering surgery....Like all of you I have lost 50-65 lbs more than 3x in the last 15 years and gained it all back....now the health problems are starting (back pain, GERD, snoring, irregular periods etc)...I want to live in freedom and health while my kids are still young ! I did share with some of my closest friends and my coworkers and to my surprise they have al been very supportive....I really want to live an authentic life and not keep a secret....so I think when people ask about my weightloss I will tell them "portion control and a high protein diet"...which is true.....but if it comes out or if other people tell them, then so be it....I just keep thinking "if I had a boob job, would I tell the world ?...No...So why would I now?" It's a very personal choice.

My hardest conversation will be with my 2 teenagers...why I have come to this point,why I have been unable to be a better example of control and health to them...that makes me tear up thinking about it....

I am wrestling with the same question.....so grateful I found your post today !

I have a tentative surgery date for Febr 17....can't wait ! I want to live in freedom and live to see my kids grow up:)))

I told everyone, even strangers in line at Wal-Mart. (*grin*) But I've been reading here and on other WLS-based boards for over 11 years, and here's my advice, based on things I've read:

If you truly don't want it known you've had WLS, DO NOT TELL ONE SINGLE SOUL. Someone WILL talk, even if they don't mean to. It's just too easy to speak without thinking. If someone asks you point-blank if you've had surgery, you have three options: 1) Tell the truth, 2) say something like "I prefer not to discuss my medical history" (which, to most people, will translate as "She had surgery and she's ashamed of it!"), or 3) LIE.

If you take option one, some people WILL talk about you. Some will be supportive, some won't---but isn't that true about everything you ever do? If/when people start saying negative things, you can shut them down without being rude. As a pastor's wife, I'm sure you'd had lots of experience in doing that. (*grin*)

If you go with option two, even more people will talk about you. It's just human nature. Remember that if they don't know why you're showing dramatic weight loss, they'll come up with reasons of their own---like "I hear she's got cancer!' or "Do you think she's on drugs???"

And if you go with option three, and you've told ANYONE, eventually it will be known that you lied. How do you feel about being known as a liar?

I'm not saying this to shame you, or embarrass you. I'm sure that there are people who have successfully kept their WLS a secret for a very long time, but in this day and age when WLS is so common your odds are good that people are going to assume you did, in fact, have WLS. Remember Starr Jones?

Yes, there is still a stigma to WLS, in some peoples' eyes. That won't change until the general population knows a LOT more about obesity, WLS, and the struggles all obese people go through before reaching the decision to take "the easy way out." The only way that's going to happen is if we start talking openly and honestly about what our lives are like.

I'm a pastors wife as well. I didn't tell people either. I certainly have not lied about it but I haven't shared this information. People did wonder about my weight loss but no one came out and asked if I'd had WLS. 

I figure I'm allowed to have boundaries and WLS was a personal decision. I didn't even tell my grown children :-)

Kathy this was extremely helpful! Thank you soo much!

agreed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can tell you it is hard, because everyone has an opinion. I am in a very close church family, and I did tell people. I told people privately though, because i didn't want to make a big announcement. I basically said I want your prayers, and let them know I didn't want it to be subject of discussion. The biggest trouble I had was with the Pastor's wife who didn't think I should do it. Ugh, made me regret saying anything. It's past. Once the surgery was past it was easier. I don't lie if someone asks me... but I don't offer the info in general. I decided I am not going to tell people how much I lost. I don't need them doing the math in their heads.

Hello,

        There's still a stigma surrounding WLS and that is unfortunate.  Do what you feel in your heart is right for you.  If this surgery is right for you be proud of that.  How you showcase that pride is up to you.  Some people boast their achievements, others simply have a deep and private appreciation that they accomplished what they set out to do.  But either way the simple element for both situations is that everyone may have an opinion but their opinions don't matter.  Allow me to repeat that, their opinions don't matter.  Only yours matters because it's your health. 

     I'm brand new here and just made the decision to have the surgery after years of contemplating it.  I've told my Mom and my best friend that I started the supervised weight loss portion of the process this month, Jan. 2015.  I also told them I had no intention of publicly telling anyone until I feel the time is right.  I share a lot of my life publicly, but right now I'm not ready to say anything to the world.  I may not be ready to say anything even after the surgery or ever.  Very few people actually care, most are just nosy.

Be the best that you can be.

It's a personal decision.  You are smart to think through it now.  I told about my WLS, but only if asked.    I still find myself getting angry at folks for coming out and asking - "did you have WLS?"    even 5 years later.  My insecure side sees them going off gossiping behind my back downplaying my weight loss by "going the easy way" - EASY MY REAR END!  But then I come back to myself and say to heck with them - I didn't have the surgery for them - I had it to save my life. 

It will make you further understand the obesity stigma.

If someone is looking vibrant and young, do we ask, did you have botox?

Think through the scenarios now and get your prepared answers so that you can answer the way you choose - versus coming up with something on the spot. 

Sometimes I feel like reflecting back - to those mostly overweight people  who ask and say - "would you like to hear more about it for yourself?"

I like that response!  And when asked why you asked, you can say (with a very innocent face, lol), "Well, I just thought that the only reason someone would be so curious about how I lost the weight is because they want information about how to lose weight successfully!"  

You'll have to be polite in shutting the Nosy Nellies down, due to your public position, but being in that position does not mean that you don't have the right to privacy when it comes to your healthcare decisions.  Now, I'm not saying that you absolutely shouldn't discuss it with people who truly want information about the procedure because they're contemplating it, but you shouldn't have to put up with the people who just want more fodder for gossip.  With the Nosy Nellies, I would recommend trying to come up with a way to firmly (but politely, due to your position) redirect the conversation.  You don't have to answer a question just because it's asked.  

There was a similar question posted in the RNY forum, so I'll copy and paste what I wrote there:

After 8 years, being through the lap-band (twice, ugh) and hopefully being revised to a surgery that isn't the devil's tool, I've come to the conclusion that it isn't my responsibility to spread the joys of WLS to the masses.  My health is absolutely no one's business but mine, and I plan to only discuss it with my mother (with the restriction that she can't discuss it with anyone else), since I'll need someone to drive me to and from the hospital.  If I didn't need that assistance, I wouldn't even tell her.  

People in this country think that it is their right to shove their noses where they don't belong.  Once you let people believe that they have the right to know about your healthcare decisions, they also think that they have the right to give you input about how they feel about your decisions. 

Think about it this way:  If you suddenly got breast implants, would it be considered okay for someone to come up to you and say, "Your bazoombas are so big! You got implants, right?" No, it's rude, and us having surgery on another part of our body, causing an obvious change to our appearance, doesn't make comments like that any less rude and improper.