It's my wood anniversary

Nov 09, 2012

I know..that doesn't make sense. The traditional 5th year anniversary present is wood..but it's my surgiversary..soo. nada

Well. Today is it. My 5 year Surgiversary.

I had my yearly check up about a week ago and my surgeons office was very pleased. I got to their approximate goal weight, i hadn't gained any of my weight back, i never had any complications, and i'm functioning well in the sphere of bariatric surgery. My labs are great.

Personally.. i know i could be doing better. Despite my determination and stedfastness earlier in the year i have now gone 4 months without any consistent exercise and let myself indulge in every food whim. While i'm almost the same weight as i was last year at this point, between last November and this November i had actually reached a low of 177. And maintained 177-181 for at least 6 months out of the last year and now have backslid. While i got the most comments about perhaps losing enough weight already at that low, and not having anyone comment on my regain (which may signal i'm more sensitive to it than others) i feel the difference. Not only because i'm not as physcially fit as i was 4 months ago, but also because i'm getting to the point where the clothes i had bought after reaching that point are starting to get tight or are already too tight. I don't have the money for plastics and i would never put myself into debt for them, so while i would be willing to go under the knife i've accepted (although don't like) the fact, that the damage i did for so many years will remain as evidence on my body in the form of excess skin. Thank goodness for clothes.

I'm going away in December to Europe and my goal was to reach my personal goal of 165 or a size 10. Whichever came first. I was waivering between a 10/12 earlier in the year but am now more solidly on the size 12 side of things. Im disappointed in myself for not being more in control of myself and making myself do what i should. And not seeing what you could be is depressing. I know i should be thrilled at the difference between this self and the self from 5 years ago. A lot has changed in 5 years. Not just in my physical appearance but in my life in general, some due to the surgery and some maybe out of a ripple effect. I've never regretted my surgery, only that i haven't made the best use of my tool at all times.

Strictly speaking, i am happier now than i was 5 years ago. I'm in a much better place on many levels, i definitely enjoy shopping much more. I'm more healthy and i take better care of myself. Where i need to improve is continuing to take care of myself, and to resign myself to the fact that exercise is a must, and that while i have horrible self control and i'm unfortunately blessed to love to cook, that self control is a must. My goal for the next year is still to reach my personal goal, but also to stick to a routine that will help me be able to maintain my weight and feel good about myself even if i don't reach that ultimate goal.

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