Just thoughts!

Jun 20, 2010

June 20, 2010
Summer is upon us, finally.  Gosh it was a looonnngggg winter.  Our last snow fall was the last week of May...but today the sun is shining, and being Sunday, I can bask in the sun for most of the day.  Oh what a wonderful feeling.  Last year at this time, I still had not reached my goal, so I may or may not have been sunbathing.  I still don't have a decent bathing suit...not one that fits.  I have one that is too big...but I am not going to go spend a bunch of money on a suit that I will not want to be wearing after plastics...so I will just be out in my bra and panties...sounds courageous I know, but really it isn't...I have a private back yard, with high fences, so nobody can see me.  I want to get a good base tan before Bill comes home and we take off for our summer holidays.
I had asked Bill on his last days home if he was happy.  Perhaps I was a bit pissed with his answer...Until I thought about it for a while.  He had said that he was "content"....but that he wasn't sure if he was happy.  I felt sort of let down...Like perhaps I should be doing something differently to "make him happy."  But after some discussion,....I realized, I couldn't make him happy...and happiness is not the goal anyhow.  Happiness, afterall, is just a fleeting moment of bliss right....Your happy with something until the novilty wears off...and then on to the next thing to bring you happiness.  So, i understood...content.  I feel like I am still striving to find contentness....to be at peace with my life in some fashion.  And I am not sure what it is exactly that I am looking for.  Don't get me wrong...I love Bill...and this has nothing to do with him.  It is me!  I am not the person I want to be..not exactly.  There are so many things I want to improve on...yet when it comes to doing the work...Oh, I don't know....Perhaps I become overwhelmed.  I am such a procrastinator.  I dislike this about myself more than anything else.  I have things I need to do...but yet, I put them off, and put them off...until I have to rush to get things done...or I am late with them.  It's like, I look around at this room.  Now,  don't get me wrong...I am far from a bad housekeeper...but i have things that need to be picked up, and put away...I need to change my sheets...I need to do laundry....I need to dust...and the vacuum wouldn't hurt either....ah, but I keep putting it off.  Why???  When my house isn't organized, neither is my brain...which just leads to chaos.  Ugh, that frustrates me so!!!  Bill's side of the room is so neat and organized...My side looks the opposite.  Yet, I sit here, and think...Ya, I'll get to it later.
I have come a very long way, in a very short time...Yet, I am not satisfied.  I have to remind myself, God did not build the world in a day...and I will not magically improve myself over night either...I am not perfect...I will never be perfect...so I need to stop being so critical of myself....yet I need to stop procrastinating too.  Just get the fuck up...and get the stuff done.  I have the ability, I know I do...yet I let myself down, by not doing things in a timely manner.  Maybe I should treat my home life, like I treat my work life.  I am an excellent employee.  I do what I am supposed to do, when I am supposed to do it at work.  I wonder if I made myself a shedule at home if I would follow it.  Perhaps I will try this and see how it works out.  I think I will try that...wow, an ahha moment...or lightbulb moment...awesome!!!  That is what I was hoping for in writing this out...sometimes I have to see it down in ink to figure out a solution.
Well, I guess that is all I needed to write for now.  I have a couple hours to write up a shedule, get some work done..and then the afternoon to sun bathe and relax...and relax I will, in knowing I got some things accomplished today!
Oh, I guess I should write a bit about Kyle.
He is home and doing well.  Thursday he got to start soft foods.  He is in a stall right now, but he is much more relaxed about it than I ever was.  He knows that his body can't help but lose with the little bits of food he is feeding himself.  He has experienced a couple of lows (blood sugar lows that is)...so we are working on that.  I am so very proud of him.  All his clothes are much too big for him, except for a couple pairs of pants and a couple tops that I bought in antisipation of his weightloss.  But mostly everything is falling off of him.  We are going shopping at the thrift store next week sometime so that we can get him a few more outfits that "fit" him.

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