AnnieD9999
Looking Brighter, but still a few dark chocolate clouds
Mar 18, 2013
Well I made it through my first day of full liquids unscathed. I did have to skip a "feeding" around 2pm because I felt bloated and full. I've been walking around the apartment complex 3 or 4 times a day, and plan on going to the gym with my husband tonight to walk while he runs.
Yesterday I asked him "Is this reversible?".... I already knew the answer, but was hoping he would tell me "Yes, we can go in tomorrow and reverse it and then we can go to Tacobell" ... Obviously I'm still grieving food, but its getting better, its not constantly what I think about during the day. And i'm sure it will take some time for me to get used to not thinking about whats for dinner, while im eating lunch.
Sometimes I can't help but think "You're only 23 years old, you have to live with this thing for the rest of your life, what did you do to yourself!?" I have to remind myself of all the trips when I was younger to get back to school clothes and the tears that were shed because I couldn't wear what I wanted. Or when I went to Cedar Point with my husband a few years ago and couldn't ride on one of the roller coasters because I was too big, and couldn't buckle the seatbelt. Or when I'm walking around in the heat and constantly have to adjust my shorts because I'll get chub rub.... The embarrassment of going to the beach or the pool, the list is endless. And i've been living with these things for my ENTIRE life.
So I wont lie, at some moments I wish more than anything that i had never gotten this surgery, and i could just go to Starbucks 3 times a day, and eat out every single meal, and go back to my life. My life that revolved around food. When always in the back of my head I was wondering what I was going to have next, what delicious thing was I going to put in my mouth after this. It's ridiculous, how addicted to food I was/am. I realized theres a difference between being addicted to food and having a passion for it. My husband has a passion for food...he absolutely loves to cook, he loves to see the joy that his food brings to other people, and it does. Every time we go to visit someone be it my parents or his, they ask him to cook while hes there. Yes he has a passion for food, but also enjoys life, and doesn't plan his day, his life, around food. I on the other hand am addicted to food, yes I love to cook but the main objective for me was always what was going to be on my plate at the end of it. Even at Christmas, when I would make baked goods and candy, I really set out to make these things for myself to eat, and then would make extra to give away. (Shouldn't that be the other way around?) When my husband and I would go out to eat I always chose the restaurant because I had to fill this void within me, this craving for whatever it was. I wouldn't even give him a chance to pick somewhere he wanted to go, because if it wasn't where I wanted to go I would throw a fit. Yes, I am addicted...to food.
I like to think that an addiction to food is much better than an addiction to cocaine or heroine...but its not, its worse. Food is everywhere, available to you around the clock, no matter where you are in the country or in the world its always there, in your face, just begging you to eat it. And you can sit in your car and eat a Big Mac and Fries with a large Coke every single day of the week and no one will really think twice about that. You can't get arrested for being addicted to food like you can those other drugs, or even alcohol. Yes, food is a safe addiction. Until you realize that you're slowly killing yourself day in and day out, saying your going to change but never do. You still go to Starbucks and get Venti Frappuccino's, you still go to McDonalds for breakfast and get an extra hashbrown, you still beg your husband to take you to Japanese Steakhouse and spend 70$ on a single meal. And you still load an ungodly amount of horrible things into your grocery cart at the store every week just because it looked so delicious in its little box. I dont want to die because of my addiction to food. So I chose to change, as hard as it is.
I want to live a healthy life, I want to be here for a really long time with my husband, my puppy, and hopefully in a few years a human child of our own. I want to run and play and not get out of breath after 2 minutes (or 30 seconds more like it) and I just want to be happy. I can ask for that right?
Obviously I have a long way to go and a lot of things to fix...but im excited for this journey that I chose, and hopefully in a year I'll look back at this and think I was ridiculous for ever doubting this decision.
