Venting

Mar 10, 2012

Ok, yesterday I was 127. Gained a pound...for no reason....and today- again 127.  Now, I am aware it is only a lb...and I keep telling myself (and anyone who will listen) that I am happy at 127 (I am HAPPY at 126.5!)

Sounds ridiculous as I write this- it is a half pound.  But I was 126 on Friday. I did not cheat, I drank lots of water, I ate my tiny little 3.5 ounce portions & my protein shakes and nothing else.  Yet Saturday I was 127.  If I had gone from 126.5 to 127, it wouldnt have bothered me as much as it would be half a pound, right?! (I realize I sound totally insane, but these are the thoughts that keep going thru my head over this.....I am obsessed.) But gaining a pound while I am eating little or NOTHING and not cheating or having "bad food choices" really bothers me.  in fact, it terrifies me.  That is what happened when I gained all the weight to begin with. (when I got Hashimoto's).  I was working out 45 minutes a day, eating 1100-1200 calories max; and I gained 50 lbs in a month. Eventually it was 150.
Please, God, dont let me gain the weight back.

Yesterday I was so angry about it I didnt get on the treadmill before we went out for the day. (I actually got on the scale again & before I did said to my body "If you are 126.5, we will work out. If we are 127 or higher still- I am not getting on the damn treadmill today- the heck with it!"  (I was 127.5 by that time)

So, we went to a Sportsmans & Outdoor show & walked around all day.  I bought kettle corn...and ate it until I got a belly ache.

We went out to dinner afterwards, but I was good there- ordered a skirt steak & salad - ate quite a bit of my salad (been ONLY eating protein since the 5 day pouch test.) and a small portion of the steak.

I skipped my afternoon & evening protein shakes.

Hoping it is just constipation from the flax seed meal I rolled the PB balls in (did not have ANY yesterday). I have hardly pooped in 2 days. 

As I typed this I remembered that on Friday night, as I made dinner....I did "cheat"....I had a couple bites (3-4, actually) of cole slaw (sugar free, home made)...and a couple bites of mashed cauliflower that I had made as side dishes for my hubby & son......But should I really gain a lb from that?!

I also had a little bigger size portion of lean ground burger (5 ounces total meal) that night....with some cheese on it & 3 mushroom slices.....

So I guess I wasnt perfect- but should I gain a lb from those tiny little adjustments? (Not like I ate a cookie....or candy.....or french fries or a piece of bread- that stuff, I would see why!)  But a couple bites of "healthy food"?

Makes me wonder if 126.5 is "too low" for me & my body not gonna stay there.  But I am afraid to say it is "ok" to be a higher weight...like I am settling or something & next thing I will be 150....160.....

I know, I sound crazy.  Thats why I am blogging this.  Maybe if I get all these crazy weight obsessed thoughts on paper, they will go out of my head and I can stop thinking about it all the time (which makes me want to eat...hmmmmm)

I have to remember, I am a fat girl living in a thin person's body....this is a rental & I dont own it!  You pay for this daily & it isnt easy!!  But it is worth it.
Okay, I feel better now.  Re-reading this, I realize I am letting a lb really get blown out of proportion!  I will be good today & go back to my strict 3-4 ounces, protein only, with my protein shakes to ward off the hunger & lots of water....no more PB balls until I am "regular" again....
Guess I was just feeling sorry for myself because I feel like I am on a "diet" again & that is the way it is--For a few months, I got a way with being a little more lax, having side dishes, & bigger portions without gaining...but things change & if I am gonna stay a thin person, this is what I will do!  It is SO WORTH IT!

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