One step closer

Feb 15, 2010

 Sometimes it is important to just state how you feel and not make apologies for it.

That is what I did last night with my mom.  I told her that I didn't know how anything would pan out.  I don't know what graduate school I'll get into, if I get into any.  I don't know if I'll get funding.  I don't know where I could get a job that would cover insurance.  I don't want to have to choose between my future career and my future health.  Graduate school is a big investment of time and money and I really don't want to put those plans on ice.

I want to lose weight.  I would LOVE to be able to do it on my own.  I have nothing against it.  I would choose that path in a HEARTBEAT if it worked.  But, I told her, if nothing changes I have a pretty good idea that I'll be having this same conversation with you when I'm 32.  I'm on this path and as much as I don't want to be on it, unless I take on of the exits I'm going to keep on down this same path.  

And, I don't know what will change from WLS.  I know that I will lose some amount of weight.  My life won't automatically be better, but I can't imagine how the process of losing weight would make it worse.  As far as all the other issues--I guess I'll just have to deal with them like any other normal weight person.  Normal weight people don't have magically perfect lives.  I'm okay with that.  Why should I get to be thin?  The answer that I arrived at is "because."  My size 2 sister doesn't have to explain to anyone why she deserves to be thin.  My friends don't have to make out a list of their traits and see whether they should be thin or not.  They just are.  And I should be too.  

Things happen with WLS.  Even well-intentioned people can fall off the wagon.  Yes, that's a possibility.  But I'm fairly sure I know the outcome of what I've been doing and it is definitely not good.

So that's when mom told me that she had been "ready to go" in September when I first considered WLS but chickened out.  She added "think how far along you'd be if you had done that then."  I am trying to decide where to go.  I've talked with Dr. Pleatman in Michigan and he sounds competent and his prices are great.  It would be about $2k less than getting it done here.  However, at that point $2k doesn't sound like that much so we'll see.  I know that in the end I have to do what's best for me, but I'm really concerned about my sister.  As I explained in my previous post, we rely on each other, and sure, maybe enable one another.  I know if the shoe were on the other foot I'd be pretty upset.  She said in Sept. that she wasn't ready for this step (she's 19).  2 self-pay surgeries is just crazy to pay.  I have a pretty good idea that the moment I start losing weight she will change her mind and want to get the surgery.  Plus, even though she has an easier time losing weight and exercising than I do, she'd have no motivation to try it on her own.  I am really worried about how my decision would impact her emotionally, physically, and how it would impact my family financially.

My aunt is in town and I have been opening up to her about this.  She is the one who had WLS and eventually it failed.  However, she did get married and play tennis, etc. while she was thin.  I was never sure how to approach her about it.  I mean, my thought would be "it didn't work for me, why are you so arrogant to assume you'd be any different."  But she has been pretty supportive.  I think she realizes that she had a great gift and did not maintain it.  I told her about possibly starting graduate school next fall and she said "well then you better get on that" (the surgery).

On the other side of things, I've worked out 3 out of the last 8 days.  Go me!  It's tough, I won't lie.  The first day I did all cardio and I feel so drained.  The second time I did some cardio, felt like I was going to black out, and then my aunt showed me the weight room and how to use all the equipment.  I REALLY like lifting weights!  Go figure.  I mean, like I've done it twice now and I'm super sore but can't wait to go again.  There is something positive about it.  I can go and work my butt off at cardio and feel like I'm just fat and out of shape, but I feel like I've really accomplished something with weights.  Additionally, when I was walking around the track I jogged 1/12 of a mile.  I know that seems like nothing but it was a milestone for me.  I want to be a runner someday, and no matter how small, at least I have a starting place.

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