brownblonde
One week away
May 19, 2010
Hey peeps. As promised I'm here to update and keep it real for any pre-op that may stumble across this and find my musings useful, which is highly unlikely ;)So, one week away. I don't quite know how to feel about that. A week ago time was dragging painfully slowly. Now the days keep ticking away, and each one means I'm that much closer to this new way of life.
I guess I'm conflicted. For things to truly be different for me, this new way of life does have to be, well, different. "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got." I know that for this to be successful, things must change, but that is also the very source of anxiety for me. This goes straight to the heart of the issue--in some ways, though I find it hard to admit, I like being fat. Okay, like is too strong of a word. At the very least, I'm comfortable with it. I know where I stand and I know that food nearly always cheers me up. Whether I have chosen to remain fat, or simply worked out a symbiotic relationship after realizing I would be fat is a question for me. But either way, I have lived this way for a long time and I've made it work. It's not a great relationship, not glamorous, and sure we use each other--but there it is.
Okay, so I was watching some movies this weekend, and Julie & Julia came on. The weather was rainy and stay-inside-and comfortable and I was watching the food and thinking WHAT AM I DOING. I LIKE MY LIFE!! I had a freak-out. I mean, I almost went into hysterics thinking about my connection with food! That sounds silly, but food really is a central part of my life. And, actually, I don't think that's all that bad. I love food and I always have. Truly, I don't know if I would have this surgery if I really thought it would forever change that part of me. And yet I know the dynamics of it must change. You must understand that food is not simply eating to me. Eating is only the final stage in a beautiful production of art and love. I talked with the office lady at the surgeon's office today and she allayed some of my concerns, telling me "it's not like you'll never eat another chocolate chip cookie again." I so love their perspective. The other surgeon I was considering had a strict no-carb policy. I know I have discussed that on here before, and in the perfect world I could agree to those terms. But the reality is I cannot do that. I would be setting myself up for failure, which I refuse to do this time.
Interestingly enough, I don't have any concerns about the actual surgery. I feel pretty confident that it is routine. I'm sure I'll be freaking last minute, but I don't think I'm taking any outrageous risk here. The only thing I do not like is that I will not be in control. I am pretty much a control freak. I'm one of those people who likes to research things and then act like I know more than the surgeon who is performing the procedure (yeah, I'm one of those, ugh). I don't even like to have more than a couple drinks because I dislike not being in control so much. The idea of being unconscious at all is so frustrating to me! The only other thing I am concerned over is if I were to awaken with a catheter. That would be very un-cool. I don't like the idea of someone messing with that area in general, but while I'm out??? Furthermore, I have already been assured there will be no catheter, so I don't like being given the go-around. Although for now I have no reason to think I will be.
One week from today, my insides will be totally changed. I know I will learn how to deal with that and be stronger for it. I know I will ultimately still be the same person. Like I said at the beginning, I want things to change, but at the same time, that is very uncomfortable. Most of all I think I want to be admired by the opposite sex. I hope this happens, but I don't know how I will deal with that when it comes up. I have seen several people comment on how they have trouble taking compliments. I don't know how I would deal with affection and interest coming from the opposite sex. But it never has. I know this is completely unfair, but I sometimes think of all men, or all people, actually, as the kid on the playground who taunted me, the middle school boy who called me a "linebacker," the high school girls who accused me of being a bugger, the college guys who could never see me as anything but a jolly fat friend who might help them catch my thinner cute friends. It's unfair to them, it's unfair to me, but my initial reaction is to already feel they've passed judgement on me by not being able to see through when I was here, underneath, all the time. We'll see how it all works out. I know I'm going to have to do some introspection all along the way.
