brownblonde
Yesterday I wished I were still fat
Jan 30, 2014
Shocking title, right?
I had a multitude of fears and questions before surgery. While some of these questions centered on food, and how normal of a life I would be able to lead with a stomach so small, a great majority of my fears concerned whether or not I would even like myself thin. Now before you think that sounds crazy, allow me to explain. I had always been fat. A lot of my identity was formed because I was fat--in the way I made friends, the way I related to people. For example, I tried to use humor to compensate so that I could be more the "funny fat girl." I made adult friends because they were more accepting. I found outlets in music, cooking, and writing because I had a lot of time alone. All of these characteristics were not altogether bad. In fact, I rather liked the person I was. Sure, there were things I would change, namely my dress size, but I didn't want to change fundamentally who I was. I didn't want to get caught up in the shallow world that had already shunned me. Would the mere fact that I lost weight indicate to this messed-up shallow world that I forfeit?
So back to yesterday. As I sat in my car, my (rare) size 4 jacket buttoned, singing my lungs out to some 1970s band, I thought "I miss this." There are a lot more distractions when you're thin. For me, they have included mostly men and clothes. I also feel a stronger need to fit in than I ever did before. When I was fat, I knew there was no hope of ever fitting in to a tiny little mold. That was so liberating knowing I could never please everyone, so why try? I think I have preserved a lot of my personality, but in some ways I have succumbed to the glamorous, shallow world we live in. I confess that sometimes going on a date with my fiance is not as great unless I have a great outfit. And I'm constantly inquiring "how does this look?" "does this make me look fat?" "what about from this angle?"
But let's be honest--I did that when I was fat too. Only the context was different. At that time I asked if I looked fat and prayed I could believe them when they responded "no." While I couldn't wear fabulous outfits, and rarely went on dates, I was no less focused on my appearance. From deciding how to layer fabrics to cover every bulge from knees to arms, to tugging on my pants when they rolled over from the weight of my gut, I painfully aware of my appearance, and moreover my weight.
Okay, Okay, maybe I don't wish I were still fat. I guess what I should say is: I'm still a fat girl at heart, and I hope I always will be. Because she was and is pretty freaking awesome. And now she can rock a size 4 jacket like no one else.
