brownblonde
The Creep
Mar 09, 2015
Hello OH family. These updates have been few and far between the past couple years but I hope to change that over the next couple of months. You see, I've begun to experience "the creep." It's been slow and slight enough that I never really have thought it was a problem. "Water weight", "time of the month", "oh this is a different scale" "I'm weighing at night" "my tee shirt probably weighs too much." Those kinds of things. As of today I weigh 158.5. That's nearly 10lbs. over my lowest post-op weight (I was 149 for like an instant) and about 6lbs. above my easily maintained weight of 152.5. So you may be thinking "6lbs., that's nothing!" I've thought that myself. In the old days I could put on 6lbs. Thanksgiving Day! And taking it off wasn't much of a problem either (the problem was that I had to take off 120+). I didn't think it was a problem until I started trying to take it off. It is impossible! My magic powers have completely disappeared. I feel frantic. I feel as though I woke up to old Bonnie's metabolism and stomach size and it's only a matter of time before my body catches up with it. I feel OUT OF CONTROL. That is by far the most depressing thing I have experienced in the past 5 years. I am quite distraught. I don't want to lose new Bonnie! I've hardly had enough time with her. We were going to see the world together! I have many more airplane belts to clasp comfortably, basketball seats and booths to slide into confomfortably, dresses to slink around in, places to walk not out of breath. And I could live my whole life crossing my legs and not get enough of it! I'm not ready to go back!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. The first step is recognizing there is a problem. Bleh. How do I do this in my most teenager-y way possible. "Um, I don't think that there's a problem, but clearly the scale does." It's hard for me to identify the problem when I've never followed a rigid set of rules and have had success up until recently. When I first consulted with surgeons for VSG, one surgeon said "no white stuff, ever." No mashed potatoes ever, no birthday cake, no candy, no brownies, no bread, no pasta, no rice. Quite honestly it was and still is a bit of a toss up for me between being skinny and eating good food. I'm a food lover. It feeds my soul. When I met my surgeon he put it pretty plainly: "you will lose weight faster and keep it off better if you cut out those things (referring to "white stuff") but if you could do that, you wouldn't need us in the first place." Let me say this about white stuff. It's not the most comfortable stuff to eat nowadays. Even though I'm a VSGer, if I eat too much sugar, I get something similar to dumping syndrome, feeling nauseous and sweaty. Pasta/bread/rice fills me up very quickly and then vanishes just as quickly, leaving me very hungry after all my calories spent.
The big offenders: One of the biggest problems for me has been candy. Shocker, huh? I mean my whole life I did not eat candy like, ever. I was the fat girl always on a diet. I was not going to insult the fat gods by ever drinking real Coke or eating candy bars. They were the forbidden fruit. So when I started grad school and there was a vending machine and I could eat a candy bar nearly every day and not gain it was like WOOOOHOOOOO I'M INVINCIBLE! It really was great. And I wish I could live in a world where that was sustainable. Heck I'd probably get surgery again if it allowed me to eat like that super-skinny friend we all had in highschool who never could seem to put on an ounce. But it's not. Believe it or not, that habit of stopping by the vending machines was hard to break. It wasn't until I moved into another building where the vending machine is much less accessible that I backed off. The second biggest offender has been alcohol. I really enjoy a glass or two of wine at night. But one glass of wine over the course of the year could be the difference in my total weight gain! That's the very exacting math we are talking about. My husband doesn't drink wine so I'm the only one in the house to drink it. Meaning that when I open in a bottle I feel compelled to finish it over the next few nights--usually 2 glasses of wine per night x 3 nights. That's probably close to 300 extra calories every night. I thought about getting boxed wine so I could drink it only when I really wanted and only 1 glass at a time. Or I thought about instating a weekend rule wherein wine only gets opened Thursday or Friday and must last me through the weekend. Or I'm thinking about going cold turkey. The third biggest offender is I don't live with my sister any more. My sister had WLS too so it was very easy to split (or less) everything with her. We have like tastes so it was easy coming to a choice on the menu. My husband typically wants to eat more than half, and we have very different palates. And while I still tend to only eat half of what I'm served (max!), sometimes I find myself eating it as a snack, completely negating the fact that I only ate half.
2. A battle plan. I wish I had one. My first thought when I saw the scale going up was "life's unfair, I'm getting a raw deal, I can't be eating over 1200 calories." So I started tracking using Myfitnesspal. It's so easy to use, but it's scary how quickly calories add up. Even with splitting meals and cutting out wine, my eating naturally likes to trend toward 1300-1400. And on the weekends more than that. I can't believe it! Myfitnesspal says I need to eat 1350 calories to lose 1lb. a week. That is unbelievably hard. AND I HAVE HALF A STOMACH!!!!! How can this be? I see what other people eat. I see them shoveling in chips and queso and beer or real margaritas. So rather than believing I eat 1000 calories I have now changed my perspective and I believe the rest of the world does not have to play by the same rules I do (clearly) and they must all be eating 3000 calories. If those skinny girls really are eating 1200 calories, I have no words. Why are they so much better at this than me? Why don't they get sweaty palms when they get hungry or feel bad if they pass up their grandma's dessert? My husband and I are young and childfree and like to go to movies, and games and out to eat quite frequently. Since the new year I've been trying to track my food and have found that unless I make the absolute best choice everywhere, then I either maintain or gain! It's hard to be perfect all the time. Unfortunately so far it doesn't seem to matter whether I fret about calories, making myself and my husband miserable, or just eat what I want, I seem to stay the same (10lbs. higher than I want to be) weight. Before ditching my husband, there has to be a better plan to lose weight, right?
I think the wine has got to go, at least in weightloss mode, and at least during the week. Maybe reinstate the weekend wine rule, or when having company over who can help drink up. It's just wasted calories that add up scary fast.
Similarly, I cannot have candy around. Instead, maybe I can make one of my snacks a healthy protein bar. While most protein bars have similar number of calories as candy, their nutrient profile is much better. And I will make at least one exception--I'm definitely getting a cadbury egg from the Easter Bunny. Some things make life worth living. This is one.
Protein first. (Did I really say this? I must be sick). In recent weeks I've come to appreciate the steadiness (for lack of a better term) that protein lends to my life. Sugar and carbs can make me frantic and moody and sick-feeling. Now I am NOT saying no to the white stuff. This is a totally different approach. I am saying I need to arm myself with the good stuff before filling up on the bad. Of course the effect is kinda the same--not much white stuff because there isn't any room.
Exercise. I promised this from the beginning and I've fallen down on my promise. 120 some pounds of weight loss and a tummy tuck. I wanna see what this body is capable of! Also, if I am doomed to be fat again, I want to know what it feels like to work out and not want to die.
Alas, it all comes down to calories. All these items detailed above are good tools to make the ride smoother, but ultimately I don't think it matters whether I eat 1200 calories in cadbury eggs or 1200 calories in tuna fish. I simply am taking in too many calories currently, and that must change.
The goal: My original goal at the beginning of the year was to meet my initial WLS goal of "half of myself" (138.5) by my 5 year surgiversary (May 26). That's 11 weeks away and about 20lbs. to lose. Probably a little lofty at this point (however I'd be OVER THE MOON if I did!!). So in the alternative I'd like to be my "lightest weight ever post-WLS" (148.5 would do it) so that's 10lbs. in 11 weeks which should be doable. Anything between the two is acceptable as well. I hope to come back here weekly and account my tale. It's a struggle now. I need to believe I have control. I don't want to say goodbye to new Bonnie. I was addicted to the process 5 years ago. How exciting. Now as I embark on this journey, I hope it can be just as much fun.
