Tell the world, or just a few...then some more

Feb 13, 2014

I have a big mouth.  I have trouble keeping things to myself.  I like to share information.  This is not to say I am a teller of secrets of others.  No, that I am pretty good at.  But my own business?  I share it.  Even if I don't wanna.  I do it. 

 

So...WLS?  Who to share it with?  I've already shared with more people than I thought I would.  But I want to share with more, but I don't. 

 

The truth is that I don't want to have this surgery.  I want to eat right.  I want to exercise.  But at 38 years old and over 20 years of being over 300 pounds, my body and my brain have decided they want to be over 300 pounds forever.  Even when I fight like crazy and lose 50, 60, 70 pounds like I have done a handful of times, I gain it back in under 2 years.  My knees hurt.  I go sledding with my kids and I end up in physical therapy.  My doctor has talked to me for years about surgery.  But I still don't want to.  But I do.  But I'm scared.  Scared of what people think of me.  As if doing the surgery admits that I am fat.  Ummmm, duh.  I've been over 300 pounds for most of my life.  Stupid.  Scared of the food I will no longer get to eat.  Again, duh.  That's what got me here and keeps me here.  Scared of the MONSTER I might be to my family while they eat and I can't. 

 

I need to tell people because I need them to try to understand.  I need the support and the prayers.  I may need them to feed my family when I just can't.  I need the encouragement that I am doing the right thing (even if they don't think I am).  So, overall I need to discern the friends that will support versus the ones who will whisper about it together when I am not there.  But none of them will probably do that...it's in my head....maybe. 

 

So, for now, here I go.  I am doing it even though I don't wanna, but I do.  Pre-op on 2/27 and sleeved on 3/18.  Oy. 

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