Dodgergirl27
10 Months Out - Down 135 lbs
Nov 24, 2014
Well, I'm 10 Months out, and so far so good. I was able to get the scale moving again this month (I lost just over 10 lbs, after last months 5 lb loss that had me freaking out). I'm only 2 lbs away from the mythical Onderland and I SOOO want to see a 1 before my weight! I still have 40 lbs total I want to lose (well 42 to be exact) and with the way my weight loss has slowed down that seems farther away than it once did. If I can keep losing like I did last month, then I should get there in the forseeable future, but if I have another major slow down, then who knows how long it'll take me to get there. I feel great, but my head has not caught up with my body. For the most part I'm in a size 8, which is mind blowing to me (although I think there's a lot to be said for vanity sizing). I think the game plan that I'm going to stick to is to keep my carbs at or below 40 grams and then maximize protein. That really seemed to help the scale move this last month. I think I have to accept that carbs are just not my friend, and that whenever I reintroduce them my WL comes to a grinding halt. Luckily, I really like protein and fat's so it's not a huge loss, plus I always feel less bloated if I'm eating fewer carbs.
I think the big struggle now will be getting my mind caught up with this whirlwind of a year. Every time I see someone I haven't seen in a long time, I get the shocked "Oh my god you've lost so much weight" speech. And that's awesome, but it's also depressing, b/c it's kind of a reminder of how far I had let myself go, and it scares the hell out of me that I could be so careless with my body again. Also, I don't feel thinner (which is a lie, b/c I do feel thinner, but I guess I still feel fat, if that makes any sense at all). I don't know at what point I learn to have some self love. I worry that I'm always going to be 10 lbs away, or wait until plastics, or wait until I fit into xyz outfit. I really want to teach myself some self acceptance. I've worked really hard for the last 10 months, I feel amazing, and based on the comments I'm getting I look alright now too. But I think some of the reason I let myself gain so much weight in the first place was because I never really felt good about myself, even before I gained weight. I always felt fat and unattractive. And I think that's such a destructive mindset. I keep toying with the idea that I need to spend some time with a therapist, there's some self love that needs to happen here and I'm not sure I'm going to get there on my own. I guess I'm saying all of this, b/c I've always wanted to mark this journey and while I don't regret surgery for a second and have felt amazing almost since the day I left the hospital, there's still a ton of work that needs to be done, and realistically a lot of that is mental. As I inch closer to the "finish line", I realize there's still a fair amount of mental work I need to get squared away. The fear of regain is so real for me, it's a constant, and I think if my self image doesn't get adjusted I can fall into some behaviors and patterns that led me to my pre-op weight. I can't go back to that place. Living in that body was a prison! So my goals for the next couple of months (besides looking into therapy) are to keep finding ways to move my body more, and to take each day one at a time and make good choices. I feel good when I make good choices, it improves my mood and my days, so I need to embrace daily decisions that 1. help me get to my goals and 2. make me feel good.
