This isn't a journey for the faint of heart

Jun 19, 2010

I had my six week follow up appointment on Thurs. along with my first fill. I was very glad to get it, though I had some restriction before. It turns out that my surgeon had given me a 2cc primer fill at the time of surgery. Since that is definitely not his normal practice the PA said that it could have been that the band didn't fit snugly enough around my stomach, initially. Therefore, instead of a 4cc fill he gave me 2cc. I agreed that I would prefer to go slowly. I feel rather bruised, and my tummy is tender, but no real pain. It wasn't a big deal at all. What I haven't liked has been the 48 hours on liquids and the 48 hrs. on softs. I hadn't realized how much I dreaded it. I would say that today I haven't been hungry, just not satisfied. Just like after surgery I know I won't die from it. I have also discovered that I still have that fear of being hungry. That and a lot of head hunger. Tonight I was craving popcorn and Pringles. Not just any chips, though, LOL.

I can see that I have a long way to go. I have lost enough weight to be only 20.4 pounds from goal, but that can't be my final goal. The true goal is to learn to eat like a true bandster, to eat modest amounts without returning to graze. Grazing is going to be a problem for me, I can tell. So, as I learn to adjust myself to my band, to my smaller body, and to a new life I need to be also adjusting how I view food. The old saying from AA that "Once I lived to drink, then I began to drink to live" is applicable. I need to return to using food as a means to live. Nothing more. I fear more than anything a return to old habits. In order to avoid that I have some very hard work in front of me.

So far I have been using a relatively low carb diet. However, that isn't the total answer. Yes, it helps control the cravings, but I doubt I can keep it up forever. I hope to make it the largest percentage of my eating, but I feel like I also need to learn to deal with many different types of food in a manner that does not call for me to "deprive" myself. That is sort of what I've been feeling lately. I don't want to go anywhere near the foods that could set me off, because I am not strong enough to deal with it. Sooner or later I will have something on my plate that is within that group and I want to be able to decide not to eat it or to eat it and not want more of those types of things in the days after.

I remember my last successful diet. I resisted certain things, but when I did have a tiny bit I found that the next time was easier, then the next, and the next, until I couldn't make my way back. This time my goal is to just be normal. I will always have to safeguard myself, but I don't intend to live in fear of making a mis-step, either.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
AMEN!

Once again, I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity I've been given.

0 Comments