Irrational Fear… Trying to put it all in perspective

Oct 06, 2011

I'm freaking out a bit.  OK...I'm freaking out a lot.  I'm freaking out and I'm trying to keep things in perspective and not allow my fears to get the best of me.  I need an out let to express this irrational fear...but I don't want to start a thread about it on the RNY board...not because I don't think people will understand because I KNOW they will.  But because I know a fair amount of folks are going to give me the ole "chill out" speech.  It's the same speech I've been giving myself for the last week and it's not working.  It's not getting rid of the fear.  I just need to vent it out, let it go and stop holding on to it.  So here goes....

I'm six weeks post-op.  And I've only lost 25 pounds since my surgery.  And I wasn't a "lightweight" when I started.  My surgery weight was 340 pounds.  Judging by what appears to be "average" weight-loss, I should be well on my way to about 40 pound lost by now.  But I'm not.  My body is hovering at the 25 pound mark and is hanging on for dear life.  The scale refuses to move.  It just will NOT budge.  I'm charting my food and water intake, I'm taking my vitamins...I'm getting in my protein...I'm exercising....I'm just at a loss.  In the past, this would be the point where I'd start falling off the wagon.  Where I'd get pissed off and go eat a big ass Five Guys burger and those awesome fries...and then feel even worse....*SIGH*

I'm a results driven person.  The more results I see, the more I'm driven to see additional results and work harder, the more results I see.  When I see no results, or what I perceive to be minimal results, it kills my motivation.  It makes it harder for me to press on.  It makes me feel like a loser.  Like there's something wrong with me...or that I'm doing something wrong.  I know...this is a completely irrational feeling...but dayum it feelings are not rational.  They don't have brains and right now, mine one brain is fried from hormones and work related stress so I don't have a whole lot of extra "ration" on hand to loan my emotions today.  So their kinda running rampant at the moment. 

I think what's really starting to get to me are reading the threads on OH of folks asking if "losing 50 pounds in 8 weeks is slow weight loss".  Are you fucking kidding me?  I'm sitting here 6 weeks out holding at 25 pounds and you're only 2 weeks past me and have doubled that.  I'm telling you...it's fucking with my head...BIG TIME.  I like coming to OH because I don't have a lot of people in my personal life that have had RNY...so I don't have that comparison or person to ask questions, and I get that here.  Plus, it's not a bad way to pass the day when work is kinda slow.  But I've got to stop reading the threads like that because I find myself comparing my weight loss to other folks and it's not healthy and it leaves me feeling like shit.  And what did I do in the "good ole days" when I felt like shit....I ate.  Because food doesn't judge me and it was comforting.  The foods gone and I'm not quite sure how to handle these feelings without it...except to let myself feel them and try to work through them.

 I'm seeing everyone else's GREAT weight loss results and its a stark reminder of how dismal my own results have been....and it's bring up all kinds of emotions...emotions that I've never really experienced before.  I'm JEALOUS.  I'm totally green with envy of the folks that are able to just breath an drop 50 pounds after surgery.  And what's really funny, is that I didn't exactly expect the weight to melt off going into this.  But now...seeing everyone else getting such great results early out...seeing folks get to goal and/or losing 100 pounds in like 6-8 months...and then seeing that *my* weight loss isn't on target to BE one of those folks is killing me softly. 

And I think the biggest fear of all...is that I worry about what people must/will think about my weight loss to day.  I don't want people to think that I'm a failure.  I don't want people to think that the reason why I'm not one of those people who lost 100 pounds in 6 months is because of something that *I* did.  That I didn't exercise....ate too much...ate too little, something..ANYTHING...and will find fault in ME and blame me for this not working. And I guess the truly crazy thing, is that I know it's working.  It's doing what it's supposed to do.  I'm not hungry, I'm not having cravings, I'm eating a FRACTION of what I used to eat.  My logical, very analytical mind is programmed such that working = results.  And no results MUST mean that it's not working....right? 

I'm rambling and struggling today.  Not the best combination.  Whoooo-saaaaaa.

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