This will not be my best-written blog entry

Jun 27, 2013

I’ve been so “bad” over the last few days I don’t even know what I’m going to do about me. (Yes I do; treat myself better starting now. Still, that old sense of dismay that I Ruined Everything and now there’s No Point To Even Trying lingers and is more difficult to dispel than it ought to be.)

The biggest problem is I’ve been overeating. Remember how my nurse practitioner said I should be aiming for 600-800 calories a day? I’ve been eating over 1000. (Not much over, but over.) That’s probably not great. Mostly it’s nervous eating. My husband’s parents arrive tomorrow for an eleven-day visit and I’ve been running around flailing my arms and crying because our condo has been such a mess. So yeah, nervous eating. Tonight I’m actually uncomfortably full, similar to how I used to get back before surgery when I’d zone out and eat the world and come back to reality to find my poor belly in a state of serious discomfort. I don’t like this and don’t want to do it anymore.

I’d say it’s been mostly a nervous eating thing but today it occurred to me: acid. I think I need some Prilosec. I sat still and tried to really listen to my body and on at least a few of the occasions that I’d been moaning about how hungry I was, I think I’d actually been experiencing some reflux or something. It’s been so long since I dealt with this issue that I suppose I “forgot” what it felt like. Will acquire Prilosec and see if my insane, werewolf-like “hunger” episodes abate.  

As for keeping a handle on my nervous eating, I just have to be firm with myself. And sane. I get, like, frightened when I get hungry. I seem to have picked up a state of mind that if I don’t Eat This Thing right now there will never be any more Things to Eat and I will have missed out on all the deliciousness, forever. Don’t know where that comes from; I’ve never been food-insecure or even in any real peril of becoming so. I have to remember that my new, improved, much smaller stomach is content LONG BEFORE MY BRAIN-CRAZIES ARE SATISFIED I’VE HAD ENOUGH TO EAT.

Self: calm down, eat slowly (more slowly than that), remember no one’s going to steal your damn food. And for the love of everything, exercise. I’ve been lousy about that. It’s been I-don’t-know-how-many-days since I made time for rigorous exercise. My excuse is I’ve been keeping active helping friends move, volunteering (which was six-ish hours of pretty much nonstop standing and walking), hauling loads of donations out of the condo and rearranging and cleaning things inside the condo, but still. Need to be REALLY EXERCISING FOR REAL every single day. I feel sluggish, bloated and gross. Tomorrow things will be better because I will take better care of myself.

This incoherent update brought to you by stress, dust, and the frantic rearranging of furniture. 

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