Jenci S.
Compulsions
Mar 24, 2011
Compulsion - a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will.Wow. Never actually looked up the meaning of compulsion before. That is what my eating habits are. A compulsion. I eat a normal, healthy, well thought out meal, and then feel the compulsion to continue to eat. Grabbing at whatever I can find, and then quickly stuffing it in my mouth in the hopes of no one else noticing. Then I feel guilty, but then AGAIN feel a compulsion to grab more. I purposely wait until my husband goes out to smoke before I get up and snack/grab/sneak something more. I get up in the ruse of clearing my plate from the table and eat whatever I can grab as I make my way to the sink. My kid doesn't finish his dinner, so I clean his plate for him. Nevermind the fact that I am not trowing it in the trash, but eating the remains as I take the plate to the kitchen.
I feel cheated when someone takes the last cookie. My husband made four dozen cookies this weekend. He proposed freezing half of them in hopes of keeping them from going bad. I was against his suggestion. For no other reason than I was being selfish. I wanted the cookies fresh so I could grab and go whenever I wanted. Plus the thought of "losing" half the cookies to the freezer was not appealing! And not to mention the fact that I shouldn't be eating ANY sugar anyway.
My actions are mindless. Unthoughtful. And unhealthy. I like the image I see in the mirror now, but the person inside that image hasn't changed from the woman she was before shedding 160 pounds. For a while I was free. I was content, I was excited about life, and I was confident. Now I am back to being sluggish, resentful, and boring. Not to mention angry. Angry that gastric bypass surgery didn't "cure" me. Angry that I am short with my boys. Angry that I don't want to be more intimate with my husband. Angry that I am unwilling to commit to successful, meaningful, fulfiling friendships with my family and friends.
I am trying to figure out how to let God lead. I am trying to figure out how to give up my perceived control of my life, and let God take the reigns. I am trying to figure out how to let God in. Really let him in, hear his voice, and listen to his vision. And I am struggling with acknowleging that I don't want to let God just have control of my eating, but also of my thoughts, my interactions with others, my perception of others, my willingness to love and be loved, my parenting, my love making, my education, my career, my driving habits, my communication with the people I love. I can't keep putting God into a tiny box and ask him to only control that one portion, I have to let him control it all. Give it all up. Everything breath. Every thought. Every motion.
My verse for today is "Renounce your sins by doing what is right, and your wickedness by being kind to the oppressed. It may be that then your prosperity will continue." Daniel 4:27
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About Me
Sacramento, CA
Location
44.0
BMI
Surgery
01/11/2010
Surgery Date
Dec 22, 2009
Member Since
Before & After
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