Flipping the Switch

Feb 19, 2014

My weekly check-in blog. Just a few things running around in my head...

1. I am firmly on course right now.  Something in my brain has flipped its way back and I am in full weight-loss, low carb, hardcore exercise mode.  Junk food and fast food and sweets have no appeal for me right now.  I am planning my meals and getting in my exercise and I am really enjoying the low carb meals I've been making.  I have been making these pizzas on the Joseph's pitas (8 grams of carbs in one, 4 grams of it is fiber!) and they taste AMAZING! About 300 calories for one whole little pizza if I put 1/2 a cup of cheese.  About 230 if I only use 1/4 a cup... but I really love cheese.  I couldn't finish the whole thing the other night so I only had 3/4 of it.  LOVE IT! I am also loving the Morningstar Grillers.  They actually taste better to me than the Boca burgers which I like also.  But these are really amazing.  With the Boca, I usually only like them if I cook them on the stove in a pan but the Grillers, I can put in the microwave and they taste DELICIOUS.  Then i eat them with a tbsp on my favorite sauce in the WORLD - Great Value Southwestern mustard.  It doesn't taste anything like mustard.  It's a little spicy and a little sweet and it works with everything.  Also, I have found Dannon Light and Fit Greek yogurt and the the flavors are amazing.  They have between 8 and 9 carbs per container but only 80 calories and 12 grams of protein.  Toasted Coconut Vanilla is like a dessert! So good!

Anyway, I have really been enjoying my healthy food and exercise these past few weeks.  I had a therapy appointment last night at 530 and only a half hour lunch yesterday so I didn't work out.  I should have gotten up early and worked out before work but I was lazy.  I got home around 7:15 and actually really wanted to go to the gym.  But I had to make dinner for my monsters and my husband had a root canal yesterday so he wanted some babying and attention.  So I didn't go... but I think it's a good sign that I really wanted to! I am going to run on my lunch today and I can't wait.  It totally blows my mind how much I look forward to my workouts now! I really can't wait until it gets warm enough to start swimming! I miss the pool!

One slip-up I did have last week was on Friday.  My husband was out of town and my single girlfriends asked me to come out with them.  We had a blast! Too much fun actually... I was really good at the start, I had a vodka and water with lime before our dinner.  Then ordered a dirty martini with dinner.  It was SO good... my dinner was grilled chicken skewers and butternut squash soup.  Not too bad. But then I ordered another martini... and then it just went downhill from there! LOL I ended up eating a Frosty from Wendys on the way home. :-(  BUT... I got right back on track the next day and I'm good now.

2. I started with a new therapist last night.  She was referred to me by my bariatric center and I really liked her.  We just basically got to know each other last night but that was fine.  I hope that I can continue with her and maybe work out some of my food issues.  My biggest fear is gaining my weight back. I feel like my mind flips a switch and I am either really good or really bad.  I almost feel like I have no control over it sometimes.  At the end of last year, I wasn't eating on plan at all.  I wasn't really exercising either.  I was just kind of drifting.  The switch had flipped in my brain and I just wanted bad foods.  I just wanted junk.  I had to really push myself for a few weeks to try and get back on track and then one day, BAM, switch flipped again and I was good to go. I need to figure out where that damn switch is and duck tape it so it won't switch back on me.  It might be hard for some people to understand but it really does feel out of my control at times.  I know that, logically, it's all in my control and I make every choice that puts me on the road to losing or gaining weight... but at times it feels like a force all on its own.  I let myself get up to over 350 pounds! I let my BMI get to almost 55! Something should have stopped me... I should have stopped me.  But I didn't... and the surgery was really the only thing that derailed my train to death from obesity.  I watch "My 600 lb Life" and I see so much of myself in some of those people.  They all know how big they are and how horrible their lives are due to the massive amount of weight they are carrying around.  None of them are stupid; they know that the food they are eating is ruining their lives. Yet, all they want is the thing that is causing all their misery... food.  I was the same way.  I would cry as I put on the only pair of pants that fit me and drag my huge body to the grocery store.  And when I was there, it would almost be an effort to walk from the car to the store but what would I do inside? I would load up on all kinds of bad food and then gorge on it at home.  This is nothing new to a lot of people. I would say most of the people on this website have done the same thing.  But maybe not everyone let themselves get to where I was. I'm so incredibly grateful that I have reversed that and that I am where I am right now... but I feel like that flip could switch at any moment and I'd be right back to packing on the pounds and growing out of all my clothes.  It's a real fear and I have to deal with it. So therapy it is! :-)

3. My husband got a promotion at work and is going to start traveling a lot now.  About every other week for 3 days a week.  That leaves me to take care of the monsters alone and I don't like that... I'm not good at being a single stepparent. But I'll do what I have to do to support him. At least I can do a lot of leftover and Bagel Bite nights without him here asking for a big meal.  That way, I can do easy stuff like my low carb pizzas or chicken and salad and be done with it.  So that's a silver lining.

Our wedding anniversary is on Wednesday and I'm taking the day off to be with him.  We don't really have any plans to do anything but we'll find something.  I love that man and I'm so happy that we found each other 4 years ago.  He loved me at 275 when he met me, he still loved me at 360 and now he loves me at 212. I'm pretty sure he'll love me in the 100's also, if I can ever get there! :-)

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