Head Games

May 05, 2012

I have my 8 week nutrition and behavioral class on May 10 and I sure need it.  My head is seriously messing with me.  Some days I seem to have no control of myself.  It's like there is an alien taking me over and I'm eating things I should never eat again.  Why do I do this??  What is triggering this??  I still feel hungry all the time although thank GOD I can only eat small portions.  I crave the same things as I used to although when I'm really truly hungry I want protein.  Again Thank GOD.  I'm exercising and my first 5K is a week from today and I'm soooooo excited for that!!!  I can't wait to cross that finish line.  What an awesome accomplishment that will be.  I'm exercising and now able to do strength training as well as cardio so I'm feeling like I'm really getting a well rounded work out.  Last week I only got to the gym 3 times but the week before it was 4.  My goal is 5 days but it just hasn't happened yet.  For example this week I have my appt from 4-6 pm and the gym closes at 6 so I won't make it there 5 days next week.  On weekends I'm so lazy.  I always wake up and plan to go for a walk or something and then I never do.  I just enjoy staying home and relaxing on weekends and that's a hard habit to break.  But seriously I'm still losing weight (thank God again) but I'm eating forbidden foods.  As I'm eating it I know I shouldn't be and I'm telling myself exactly why I shouldn't be but down the hatch it goes anyway.  This sucks!!!!  I knew that surgery would not fix the reason I ballooned up to 236 pounds but I also thought that losing weight would motivate me to lose even more and to do everything I can to stay on track.   I thought about putting this on the VSG forum but I decided to wait until after my appt to see what they suggest before I do.  Reading people tell me to stick with it and you will succeed doesn't really help me all that much.  I wish it did.  I read the forum all the time and there is so much good info on there but I don't feel like anything so far has helped.  Head hunger is a very terrible thing and I'm not sure how to fight it.  I have the best of intentions but I still make bad decisions. 

Oh and at first I loved that my clothes were getting big.  It's a great feeling.  But now I'm still sort of inbetween sizes and things either are too big or don't fit.  So I'm wearing all of the same fat clothes I always have and that's now starting to irritate me.  I feel sloppy in my work clothes.  Sloppy in my jeans and t-shirts.  Uncomfortable in general in my own skin.  I'm sure this at least is normal.  Probably all of it is.  I just needed to write it down and hopefully be done with feeling this way.  I wish I had the will power dealing with food issues as I had when I quit smoking.  I had no problems with that.  I just stopped buying them and that was ok.  I can't stop buying food and the kids want easy to make things for themselves and that equals temptation for me.  It's not easy to say "I'm never going to buy junk again" because the girls eat it.  They have cut down a lot of course because I haven't been buying as much junk but there are still some things that they eat that I like too.  I have noticed that people sure do eat a lot of food for meals.  Lol  I have this tiny amount of food and it almost makes me nauseous to watch the kids eat an entire half of frozen pizza in one sitting.  Or to see them eat a burger, fries, and drink from a fast food place.  A footlong from Subway.  I do mourn food still.  It's not worth buying that type of food for myself (thank God) because I would throw 90% of it away so I don't go to those places but I've stolen a french fry, I've tasted the pizza, I've eaten a cookie, and I've made myself completely miserable by eating a candy bar.  I didn't get sick but I would have felt better if I had.  I suppose that negative reinforcement is a good thing for me.  I respond well to that but it sucks that I let myself eat that dang thing in the first place.  It didn't taste good after the first bite but I ate it anyway.......the whole thing!!!  What the heck is wrong with me and what do I need to do to fix it??  UGH!!!!!  Yep I'm anxious to go to this class this week because I need help and I know that I can ask for it there.  It will be embarrassing but this is my life and I need to learn to fight my demons.  Guess I'd better find out what weapons I'll need and stock up on them. 

Well cheese and rice this has been a lot of rambling and complaining but I'm glad to get it out of my head.  It's taking up space and making me feel anxious and irritated.  I'm angry with myself and sometimes that translates into being irritated with others.  Not something I like at all. 

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