So this is me!

Sep 20, 2014

I had been an athlete in high school. I don't know if one can be slightly anorexic, but my diet in high school was as follows: breakfast; fat free hot cocoa and 2 graham crackers, lunch; a packet of lance crackers and water, dinner was a lean cuisine or if I had a game we might stop for McDonalds and I would have a chicken sandwich and water. I remember working out a lot, walking a lot and occasionally passing out after a shower. I was thin. In college I played volleyball, being away from home I gained some weight. I had fun, no worries. I didn't make the team my sophomore year and was really bummed. I was a small fish in a big pond by then. So I had my I am not good enough attitude and did what every other college student did. I drank, had fun and gained more weight. I then found Rugby! What a fun sport! You have fun socials after games? Awesome! My junior year I moved to NC and went to school. I had to make new friends and joined the Rugby troop there. I lost some weight, joined a sorority and made some wonderful friends. But the weight came right back on. I was still working out, but it didn't seem to matter. I was playing a basketball game for my sorority and hurt my knee. Tore my ACL and my meniscus was shot. Had surgery over the summer and rehab. I never forgot what the doctor told me...you will never play Rugby again. What? Looking back now I should have told that dr to shove it. I should have tried to prove him wrong. But I didn't. I stopped working out. I gained weight. I ate like I was still exercising and gained more weight. I was embarrassed. I think I was around 225 when I graduated from college. A year after I graduated from college I decided to go to massage school. A very diligent schedule. I was 25 and weighed in at around 250lbs. I was back to working out.  I worked out daily. I would workout in the morning, work all day and go to classes at night. This was my routine everyday. At 26 I joined weight watchers and really started to watch what I ate. I lost about 20lbs and slacked off and gained it back and then some. I was a massage therapist by then. I love my job. I felt embarrassed that my outside didn't reflect my inside. I was eating healthy, working out and the pounds just wouldn't budge. I promoted health and wellness and yet I felt like people would only see the outside and think who is she to tell me to exercise and stretch and drink more water? I was doing those things and may not have looked like it, but I was. I looked into WLS when I was 27 years old I weighed about 275. I went to a seminar and walked out thinking it was way too drastic. I had fought my whole life against my weight and I should be able to straighten up and do this! Why can't i do this!?! So over the next 10 years I hired a personal trainer, joined a triathlon training group, followed the nutrition guides from my trainers, I finished 2 super sprint triathlons, I walked in several 5K's and lost weight and gained it back like a darn yo-yo! I am now 37 years old. My doctor had me try phentermine and topomax, which I felt made me crazy. I was sweating like a pig, had the shakes a lot, like I had too much caffeine.  I got paranoid a lot. I lost about 30lbs but felt like a crazy person. I got off that stuff fast. Then gained the weight right back. My husband and I have fertility issues. We have been trying for several years to no avail. I am now 330lbs. I am tired. My knee hurts, my ankles hurt daily. I am getting WLS as a tool. It will help me to fight this battle.  I wish I researched further 10 years ago. I wish I would have found a forum like this for guidance and advice. Maybe I would have conquered this beast long ago. But I can still do something about it today. I am going to get this surgery and keep on fighting the good fight. I am worth it. I am so worth it!

0 Comments