self-mutilation?

Apr 01, 2012

As I've been preparing for surgery lately I've had a lot of emotions and thoughts to deal with. A video I came across on youtube about a friend's death from lap band surgery (not the type I'm having, but the risk is still there) echoed some of the thoughts I've been having. It's the most drastic measure I have ever taken to lose weight, and it does seem a bit like self-mutilation when considering that my stomach will be forever altered. I suppose I combat these thoughts with ones of how commonplace it has become. I know, or know of many people who have had the surgery, and have successfully lost (a lot of) weight. Yet still I find myself second guessing my choice. It's a major life changer. After surgery I will forever have to be on supplements (calcium, vitamin D, iron and multivitamins). There's so many things about eating with a surgically altered stomach that I will have to learn. I can't eat and drink at the same time, I have to chew up my food completely because I won't have any stomach acids. I can't smoke. Even now I'm still nicotine dependent as I'm still using electronic cigarettes. That has to stop, and very soon because my surgery is scheduled for the 24th.

Ever since I made this choice I've been eating like I'm never going to eat again, which, as I've read, is quite common. My mom's going to take me out to Red Lobster as part of my farewell to food tour. I can't imagine never eating Chinese food again either, so I've been having a lot of it. I've been realizing how much of the food I eat I'm never going to be able to have again. I'm definitely not going to be able to bury my emotions in food anymore, so I suppose now might be a good time to get back into therapy. I'll be on a liquid diet for almost an entire month post-op. The fact that the surgery can be fatal is something that hasn't slipped my mind, but again I tell myself of all the people I've known that have made it through successfully, and that the hospital I'm going to hasn't had any fatalities on their record.

I try to keep in mind the reasons I have for doing this, mostly that I'm so overweight that daily tasks have become overwhelming. I have so much physical pain every day that prevents me from most forms of exercise. I'm tired of losing weight only to gain it back, plus more. I have what are called co-morbities of obesity, including sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, hypertension, and type II diabetes. I need something that forces me to make a lifestyle change and won't relent when I try to backpedal. Yet I'm still afraid of all that this entails. I've never been through surgery before and having my body opened up, even if it's laparoscopy, still frightens me. Change frightens me. But the way that I've been living existing lately also frightens me. And so the journey begins...

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