I'm comin' out 5/31/10

Jun 29, 2010

When I made the decision that I was interested in having my surgery, I decided I would also try keeping it a secret from all the people in my life that I possibly could--because, as you know, I am absolutely terrified of failing. I only told my husband and my aunt that I was considering surgery prior to the mandatory seminar.

Stupidly though, I did put a prayer request on Facebook. A few days after my surgery, my brother asked me what was up. I tried to avoid the question, but he talked me in to it. Surprisingly though, he was very encouraging. He is in the middle of nursing school and he sort of "gets" the benefits of my having the surgery. I asked that he kept it a secret. I also told my boss so he would know the reasons behind me needing time off work and so he would understand that he'd need to find coverage for me while I'm off on short-term disability. I told my scheduler too.

Fast forward to last Sunday. J and I were driving around on a very warm day and we decided to stop and see my folks. When we arrived, we were sitting in the new addition visiting with my parents and my mom decided that she wanted to bring up my weight problem. (I love my mom very much, but for as long as I can remember, any time she gets a chance, she will bring up my weight, my hair, my eyebrows, etc. That's probably why I try to avoid being alone with her.) Anyway, I finally snapped. I announced my surgery. I don't think I'll ever forget how good it felt to say it. My mom and dad were shocked...my mom asked asked all kinds of questions. Eventually, my dad said that he was proud of me. I don't think my parents have ever said that they were proud. It was amazing.

A couple days ago was my initital consultation with Dr. Z (my surgeon). After a very loooong list of questions I shot at both him and the nurse practioner, the doc kept saying, "you'll do great" over and over again. I have real faith that I will now.

I wasn't going to tell anyone else until we got closer to my surgery date, but I did tell some of our best friends. J let it slip to his parents that he took a long lunch on Thursday to take me to my consultation. My mother-in-law is a nurse and had a million questions for J, but he did his best to answer them He asked them not to say anything to me or anyone else because he knew I'd be embarrassed. He came home and told me he spilled the beans. To be honest, I really felt relieved. They love me, I know they do, but it's infinately easier for him to tell people than it is for me. I'm just so ashamed.

There's about 10 of my best friends I want to tell, but I'm just not sure how. I don't want people to think badly of me. A few of those 10 are super fit, running daily people, and I don't want them to think I'm taking the easy way out. I'm not though--if they knew how I feel. How tired I get, how hard it is to complete daily tasks, or even how hard it was to make the decision to have my surgery, they'd know it's not the easiest way out. I'm not even to the hard part yet. The starving, the surgery, the pain, the medications, the lions, tigers and bears...

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