Derailed

Oct 03, 2014

After the loss of my beloved baby girl Thunder after 14 years, I was really truly and totally devastated and I completely went off the rails. I became very depressed and down on myself. I gave up on many of my goals but many stayed in place thank goodness but it scares me. If the death of my favourite beloved pet can derail me so badly maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I'm just fooling myself and using her death as an excuse. I feel like I can really do this but I was so quick to fall back into many of my bad habits because of sadness. I have been working very hard this week to get back on track and been seeing my therapist to help me sort out things. I even signed up for to classes suggested by my therapist to help me make changes in my eating behaviours but is it going to be enough. I know I have a major depressive disorder to begin with but am I just making excuses for my poor behaviour. I didn't feel like I was in control of myself the last couple weeks but this week I have felt much better and have very much on point with my goals. I truly believe I want to change but is wanting to change enough !!! The instructors in my classes have been stressing how hard it is to change patterns around eating as there are so many triggers that we don't even realize we have. They have stressed that our bodies are very smart and try to make everything effortless in a attempt to be more efficient. I know in the past if I was sad I always fell into the pattern of eating comforting food and that is exactly what I did after the death of Thunder. My husband recognized that I was spiralling and suggested that I look into finding a new puppy to help fill the painful void. I have to say I had very mixed emotions about this I felt guilty, even sadder and even a little hopefully that maybe it would help. I decided it wouldn't hurt to look and so I started browsing Kijiji to look for a puppy or dog in need a home. I always try to rescue a puppy or dog that is looking for a new home rather than turning to a breeder. It's a personal choice and low and behold I found him. He is a 10 months old merlequin/harlequin Great Dane and he is deaf and his family couldn't deal with him anymore. My heart immediately pulled toward him. I contacted the family and after several days of back and forth, I decided and they decided our family would be the best place for him. I went and picked him up last Sunday and although I still miss my Thunder girl desperately, I have refused to move her food dish or her blanket but I feel hopeful and Chance is helping me heal. I don't think it is a coincidence that since bringing him home I have been able to get myself back on track but it has been a very serious wake up call for me, that I really need to do some more hard work around my Depression before I have this surgery. I will continue to see my counsellor and complete these classes. I truly believe I can do this !!! I just need to get all my ducks in a row and get help with coping strategies that DON'T involve food. Thanks for reading :-)

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