Surfing Chaos

Aug 14, 2010

Lately I've been feeing unsettled and adrift. It seems like too much is going on at work, at home, my health, the economy. It is so hard to keep my focus on myself, my eyes on the prize. I'm a codependent, dammit, I feel the urge to spring into action. Why is it a struggle to turn that energy to my health?

I keep bouncing around about surgery. I like the DS, but it scares me. Sure, all surgeries have complications. But even the folks who are fairly compliant can fall into malnutrition. And the ones that aren't die. I know I don't want the RNY or crap band. Patterson now does the VSG.

I was signed up for the OWLS meeting this month - even got a confirmation email on my phone - but I spaced the date. It was yesterday - I thought it was Monday. Crap crap crap. I emailed asking if I could just apply as I was at an OWLS meeting 2 or more years ago. I made so many blotches on the app on the smoking section as I'd quit for a while, then start again that I finally threw it out. Plus I really wasn't excited about the RNY.

I guess what I have to do is try to allow the rest of the chaos in my life to flow around me. I can't change it. If I fight it, it erodes me, like a river rock. Maybe in need to learn to surf those waves instead of drowning.

I read a quote today on the DS forum. I think I will tape it to my mirror and make it the image on my phone screen.

"If you bring forth what is within you, 
    what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, 
    what you do not bring forth will destroy you." 
                            -Jesus, The Gospel of Thomas  

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