shelbelicious
I gained weight to have surgery.
Aug 30, 2014
About 12 years ago I was laying on my couch watching TV and a commercial about weight loss surgery came on. At the time I weighed 220lbs and had been overweight my entire life, with the only exception being a 2 year stint in high school when I experimented with eating disorders and meth. After I stopped using, I filled the void with food and put on 80 lbs in about 6 months. I felt disgusting and was even more unhappy about the way I looked so when I saw the commercial I latched on to the idea as being a magic bullet that would fix me. When I checked with my insurance I found that at 5"9.5, I'd have to weigh at least 240lbs to qualify for surgery. Pigging out was one of my favorite things to do anyway and I told myself that it would be way easier to gain 20 lbs to qualify for the surgery than it would be to lose the 80 extra pounds on my own.
20 pounds later I didn't have insurance anymore and I couldn't stop eating fast food.
Fast forward 5 years and a couple of major life changes... I had a girlfriend that wanted me to go to a weight loss clinic with her to find out about an 800 calorie a day diet and vitamin injections. During their pitch they had me step on the scale (something I hadn't done in years) and the digital read out knocked me off balance. I remember feeling my chest get hot, the room swirling around me and choking back tears. It read 299. How the fuck did I get here? I tried to put on a brave face but was silent the whole car ride back, completely ashamed of myself, all I wanted to do was cry.
I vowed that I would fix this. I tried so hard, time and time again, but food kept beating me. I'd make a small slip up and decide the whole day was crap and I'd try again the next day. Eventually after years of hovering around 300 lbs, + or minus 20lbs, I gave up. I had a family and decided that I'd just be fat forever and I didn't like it, but I just wouldn't think about it. At the same time, I every opportunity I had to make a wish, I wished for the exact same thing: to be 130lbs.
It was surprisingly easy to avoid acknowledging my own body. I wouldn't take full body pictures. I didn't even own a full length mirror. I ate whatever I wanted. Sometimes I'd exercise, but most of the time I wouldn't. My husband had a weight problem too and we enabled each other. I started thinking about weight loss again when he was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure at 30 years old. I felt somehow responsible. I realized that there was no way I could help him, but I could help myself and I had to take responsibility for my own actions. I couldn't continue to think that his behavior "influenced" mine, it wasn't an acceptable excuse anymore.
We started talking about weight loss surgery and at first he was against it. I told him I would try one last thing and that if I couldn't get it to work, then I would pursue surgery. I went to a weight loss clinic that gave me vitamin injections, a diet to follow, water pills and appetite suppressants. The suppressants they gave me were a form of ephedrine, they made me speedy and cranky but I was determined so I kept taking them. One night after having dinner with my family, I started to feel a terrible pressure in my chest and jaw and almost fainted. I was scared I was having heart attack, but is that even possible at 28 years old? The pain lasted for about 45 minutes before it settled down, the whole time my husband and mother worried, asking me to go to a hospital, but I stubbornly refused.
The next day, I ended my use of ephedrine and made an appointment with a heart specialist who later told me he didn't see any irregularities or signs of having had a heart attack.
As promised, I told my husband I was going to look into surgery. I spoke with my insurance company, who required a 6 month physician supervised diet, so I began the diet and meeting all of the requirements with out actually having had made a final decision to go for the surgery. I figured I'd get all of my ducks in a row in case I decided that I was ready for it.
When I neared the end of my 6 month program, I decided I should probably meet with a surgeon. My insurance company would only cover operations done through Bridges Center of Excellence which left me with exactly two choices, Dr. Fang and Dr. Juarez. I met with Dr. Fang who didn't smile, or even look at me the entire time I was in his office. He was too busy typing on his laptop to acknowledge my humanness. I still hadn't decided which surgery I wanted. I had some reservations and although I had a BMI of 44, I was leaning towards the DS. When I brought it up, he brushed me off and shook his head, "no, no, that's not for you" with no further explanation or inquiry as to why I was considering that procedure.
I'm not usually so openly critical about people, and I realize most surgeons aren't revered for their sparkling personalities, but I did not want this human shaped piece of cardboard cutting me open and rearranging my insides.
I left disheartened, later calling the Bridges center to re-consult with Dr. Juarez. The appointment scheduler was a bit surprised by my request. By the time I met dr. Juarez I had decided that I wanted the DS, and I came prepared with a speech about exactly why this was the right surgery for me. I weighed myself that morning and worried that I wasn't heavy enough for the DS, I wore my heaviest outfit, extra jewelry and filled my stomach with as much water as it would hold. When I told him I wanted the DS, I immediately launched into my reasoning, before he could respond, so he had to hear me out. When I was done, he complimented me on the research I had done and my preparedness, then agreed to do the surgery.
At that moment, shit just got real. I was scared and elated all in one. My wish was finally going to come true. Or at least end up close to coming true.
