The Why's of Weight Loss Surgery (my shallow motivation)

Feb 01, 2010

So I’ve decided to blog and tonight I decided I wanted to blog about my weight loss surgery.  As I’m writing this, I realize I’ll be lucky if more than two people read this, but that’s okay.  I’m hoping that this art of writing will be cathartic for me, a way to express myself in a structured creative way.  I could not think of two words that describe me more- structured, creative.  That being said, I would also like to note that I have every intention of looking deep into my soul and being brutally honest no matter what the cost.  It may be uncomfortable for both author and reader, but telling half-assed truths serves no one’s best interests.  
    Anyhow I digress, back to the topic on hand: weight loss surgery.  Now this is a subject I could write a novel about and I’m only three months out from surgery.  As I think a novel may be a lofty endeavor at this point let me narrow the topic and start at the beginning, my decision to have gastric bypass surgery.  
    Now when you ask most bariatric patients what drove them to surgery, the answer will almost always inevitably be, “I did it for my health.”  So here comes the shocking truth from my mouth, my motivation had very little to do with my health.  Well, I should say it had very little to do with my physical health.  It had everything to do with my mental, emotional and spiritual health however.  I had gastric bypass surgery because I wanted to look good, period.  Now I know that sounds shallow, but believe me the truth is almost never shallow.  It goes much deeper.  
    Unlike many weight loss surgery patients I did not have any pressing health issues- no diabetes, no sleep apnea, no high blood pressure or high cholesterol.  I didn’t even have acid reflux.  My only physical complaint was occasional joint and lower back pain, but both afflictions were tolerable. However, I was a wreck, not a popping Prozac kind of a wreck, but a wreck nonetheless.  Truth be told, I hated myself.  I knew that I was an intelligent, loving, creative, dynamic person, but none of this mattered because the person I was was hiding behind an enormous amount of fat.  I knew that when people looked at me all they saw was a fat girl, pardon me a fat woman.  I had wished more than anything that I could be one of those outgoing fat people who everyone seemed to love.  I wanted my mantra to be, “I will not define my self worth by my dress size,” but I knew that even if I didn’t define my self worth by my dress size, other people would be.  It’s a sad truth, but it is the truth.  For god’s sake, I was guilty of doing the same thing myself.  Have you ever noticed how nobody can drive right except for you?  Well I had a similar attitude towards other fat people.  I felt that I was an intelligent incredible fat person, but other fat people were just ignorant or lazy.  I hated that I felt this way, but I was following society’s prejudices that were just so deeply ingrained in me.  
    When have you ever seen an overweight man or woman portrayed as a sex object? I’ll answer that-almost never. In the movies and TV fat people are mainly bitchy women, funny men, or stupid people.  We are seldom portrayed as normal human beings with normal desires and normal emotions.   It’s no wonder there is so much prejudice towards us.
 So at age 33, I decided I’d had it.  I was tired of feeling worthless.  I was tired of feeling like the elephant in the room (pun fully intended) and yet invisible at the same time, and mostly, I was tired of feeling inferior.  I don’t expect that weight loss surgery is going to transform me into a bikini model and I’m quite okay with that.  I just want to blend in.  I don’t want to be the fattest person in the room, the person who people look at with disgust.  I want to know what it’s like to be “normal.” I want to feel attractive.  I want to go to my son’s school functions and not have to worry that he is embarrassed by me.  I want to go out with my friends and not worry if the booth will be big enough to accommodate me.  I want to stop paying extra for plus size clothes, because they require more material.  I want to meet new people and be able to look them in the eye when I talk to them.  I want to not bump into everything in my path when I’m walking around in tight spaces.  I want to be happy, harmonious and free.
So that’s it.  That’s my motivation.  I was tired of the self loathing and I decided to do something about it.  Maybe my reasons are not as noble as doing it for my health, but I consider my general well-being just as important, if not more so, than my physical health.  I also consider the two to be inextricably related.  I have no regrets only hopes and dreams of what this new phase of my life will bring.

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