Waiting

Dec 07, 2011

 My story is long, and I'll probably take the time to tell it at some point. Right now I just feel like whining a little, and this is my safe space in which to do it. 

I'm frustrated that I have to wait a year (at least) before I can have this surgery. Now that I've discovered it, researched the hell out of it, become a regular lurker on the message boards... It's so hard to wait. I think about it every day. That in itself is a good thing, because I'm constantly thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth, how MUCH it is compared to the volume I'll be able to eat later, what the protein content is, how fast I'm eating, etc. I'm able to think about and make some of the head changes that will be necessary after the surgery. I'm hoping that makes it all easy for me in the end. 

But I KNOW that this is my perfect solution. I lost weight pretty quickly at one point because I wore a corset every day, which restricted my hunger and capacity (in addition to watching calories and exercising religiously). So I know restriction works well for me, and I'm excited about the idea of restriction of my food intake without restriction of my movement! (corsets are a PITA for living modern life!)

I am watching people go into surgery and come out triumphant. I'm watching the pounds melt off some other recent sleevers. I'm seeing the long-term results of people who were sleeved years ago. Every time I step wrong and my knees hurt, every time I have trouble sleeping (I suspect apnea, though I haven't been diagnosed), every time I am exhausted, every time I am winded from two flights of stairs... I think about this surgery and how wonderful it will be to be a normal weight for the first time in my life. But I keep thinking - if it takes me six months to lose most of my excess weight (I "only" have about 100 lbs to lose), that's late summer 2013 at the earliest before I'm at goal. And I know my boobs are going to deflate even more than pregnancy and nursing has done for them, and I'm going to have lots of excess skin. So plastics will be another step, and I want to maintain goal for 6 months first. So two years at a minimum before I am at goal, healthy, and looking the way I think I should when I look in the mirror. It seems SO far away, and there's very little "prep" for me to be doing right now (my wait is personal, not ins-related. Ins won't pay :( ), so I'm just spinning my wheels, waiting. 

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