Miss Redd
3 year Surgery Anniversary!! Long-with Pics!
Nov 27, 2009
Hi all,
Today is my three year anniversary of my Roux RNY surgery. Here are the specs:
44 years old
5’5 (AND a HALF!-you know how important that half is!)
Highest weight: 383
Surgery Day: 359
Today: 150
I have uploaded my before and after pictures at the bottom
I have been maintaining a loss of about 230 lbs for well over a year now. My average weight slide is about 5 lbs (give or take the time of month).
From first seeing a doctor and stating that I wanted to have WLS to my surgery day-it took me just over 2 years for insurance approval. I was one of the folks that were stuck with the 12 month supervised diet failure. Yes! They used the word fail as a prerequisite. Nice, right? If you end up being in this space, use the time to LEARN!!
I had been SMO since I was about 19 years old. I was an average, muscular type-girl for my teen years. I loved to dance and swim. I probably averaged in the 140’s as a teen.
I left home at 17 and by the time I had my 19th birthday (which was one month after my son was born)-I weighed about 300 lbs. From that point I gained and lost many times. Finally-about 15 years ago, my weight spiked up and stayed and started getting scarier by the year.
I raised my son as a SMO (Super Morbidly Obese) mom. Many of you will know how this often works. I made sure he got to where he was going and got him what he needed-but hid out from any social functions. It was a mix of not wanting to humiliate my boy and my own shame of not wanting to be seen. The few times I did show up for Patrick’s special functions-I got stares. I was VERY large-quite bottom heavy and people did stare. Patrick would get very protective and it put him in a tough place.
The day came where I actually sat Patrick down and said “Look honey, I know I am really big. It is not your job to protect me and it isn’t your job to worry about all of this. I know it’s hard for you-and I am so sorry”. He cried and begged me to lose weight and that he would help me. Of course-I was just not ready yet. I had a few more years left of isolation and self loathing to go.
I watched my boy graduate sitting half on and half off a metal folding chair-which was slowly bending under my weight. I eventually ended up standing over on the sidelines to finish watching his ceremony-as my empty weirdly bent chair sat there for all to see.
I functioned well in the work world. I was the girl that was very positive and spent crazy hours at work. The truth was-I didn’t have anywhere else to be really. If anyone needed anything-I was there to help. When I left that company after working there for ten years I had about 16 awards of recognition. If you could see me now and hear my tone-it would be like I was telling you a spooky ghost story! LOL! It was NOT normal and it wasn’t healthy. Really.
I missed family trips, my sister’s wedding and countless other get-togethers because I was ashamed to be seen. I can’t tell you how many times I put my son on a plane or sent him off with a relative to go on vacation-because I knew I wouldn’t be able to.
The truth is when I look at my before pictures-I am reminded of how I was so sure I would never survive. I was so afraid that I had ruined myself with the weight-that I would never be able to have a good/normal life.
I felt lots of shame and self-loathing regarding my weight as well.
I remember lying in bed at night and feeling my heart beating in my head. I could actually hear the blood moving around-trying to circulate through my massive and exhausted body. Many times I wondered if I would wake in the morning, sometimes I thought it wouldn’t be too horrible if I didn’t.
When I finally started going through the WLS process-I was VERY ready. If someone would have told me to throw myself in the street naked-I think I would have! I was just-ready.
WLS had been suggested to me in years previously, but I had an eating disorder and my Aunt Barbara died of the same type I had. I was a compulsive overeating bulimic. Yes-you can be both. I knew if I didn’t get my mind around my issue that WLS would not save me and could very well kill me. I knew that WLS would NOT be the answer to all and that there was something much deeper than my weight that was screaming out for help. I spent about 5 years as an intentional pre-step to having WLS. My personal therapist actually wrote the most beautiful letter for my surgeon and insurance company. She stated that never before had she agreed with WLS-until now. She stated that after working with me, she believed that some people were indeed cut out for such a huge change and that she felt secure that I would obtain help and support at every step of the way-which I did and still do.
This is not a journey to be taken alone. You will see me say this constantly. The last place to be left all alone without backup-is my HEAD! LOL!
Here are the things I would like to share with you:
1. It doesn’t matter if you are pre-surgery or ten years post surgery-you have something to offer someone. I have often learned some of the most valuable lessons from someone who had yet to have their surgery. Share-someone needs to hear from you.
2. There is no “there”. WLS is not a race to get ‘done’. There really isn’t a finish line, none I have found.
3. No one has all the answers. If they tell you they do-run the other way quickly (and politely, lol!)
4. Your doctor, surgeon, therapist, nutritionist are not GOD, they are humans. They will know some things and other things they may NOT know about. It is up to YOU to do your research. I don’t mean only before surgery-but through your life. No one is going to care as much about you or understand your body like you do. Read, research and ask questions. This is not the 1950’s and we have no excuses for ignorance where our health is concerned. Be your own BEST advocate.
5. Losing your weight and becoming just as obsessed about NOT eating is not a win. If you find your life is no longer about losing weight but is now about NOT gaining weight-you are not in much of a better place than when you started. Get help. There is more to life-I promise you
6. You will face challenges again. Regardless of your choice in WLS-there will be challenges. The restriction you feel today may not always be there. Sure-you can keep revising and revising-but at some point you are going to have to take the actions it takes to maintain.
7. Sometimes being “normal” can be scary. For some of us- (read that as ME) normalcy is a scary prospect. I came to find out that I was much more scared of living than dying. Make sure you have as many tools (information, support, friends) as you can get your hands on.
8. You can do it even if it is hard. Yes. It’s true. I found that I can still measure my food as I am screaming about the injustices of my day. Amazingly enough-I CAN still walk on my treadmill whilst crying hysterically because I am tired and frustrated. I can still get my labs done and log my food each day-even when life is not easy that day. If there is one lesson I think is keeping me alive and healthy-it is this one.
9. Write down your food!! Yes. How many times do we see a post on the message board saying “I am gaining weight and I do not know why!? HELP!”-if you write down your food-I promise you will have the answer very soon. Writing your food down is boring and non glamorous-just FYI. However-it’s sort of like taking my supplements-it’s not up for discussion in my head.
10. Any step that you didn’t take yesterday that you manage today is a win. If you are on your treadmill for 1 min longer than yesterday, you win. If you log your food down when you hadn’t before-you win. Success is for sure not won in one big motion. It’s in the little steps. It’s in the moment you get on that treadmill crying. It’s in that moment when you decide to measure your food-even though you “know” the right portion. It’s in that moment that you take the time to share something you are going through with the next person. The journey is in the footsteps. That is as close to “there” as you will ever get.
That’s all I got. I don’t have anything very glamorous to say or to add to this. The steps to getting our life back are often NOT very sexy. It’s messy and some days it’s nearly too much to do. But-running up the stairs because you can, realizing that you are in a huge room full of people and are you just sort of “blending in” and jumping into a pair of pants that are worn out and frayed on the BOTTOMS because you wore them so much (as opposed to them being worn out on the inner thighs-you KNOW what I mean!) -now THAT is not only sexy, that’s HOT!
I will continue my work of venturing out into the world and making my isolation less. I still deal with that today. It's not all the way gone. There are times where I have to really work hard to get 'out there' and be seen. It is slowly dawning on me that I am just fine. I am OK and I am not hideous. It's all good.
If you read this far-you rule the school and I appreciate it!
Once again I am going to thank OH for being around and for the people that post here-I owe you too much to pay back. You are here in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. You were here when I had an anxiety attack because I didn’t recognize my new body. You were here for me the night before my surgery and for all the days and years after. To the people who take time from their own lives to write to me and share their story-I love you for that. I love to hear from others and it will never get old for me.
So I will close for now-since I wrote you a book.
I will go upstairs and have a bubble bath (in a tub I can fit in!) I will put on my favorite jeans (frayed on the bottom and all)I will slip on my favorite pair of boots-which are also starting to get worn on the bottom from WALKING! And I will skip down the stairs (that part is just because I can!) and I will go into this day. When I stop in the middle of some store today and take a look around-I will be filled with gratitude that I get the chance to just be human-just like everyone else today. Now that-that is totally SEXY!!
Thanks,
Peace,
Therese
Pictures:
Before:
Side Before:
I was SO ready at this point. Waving to the past
I love these pants. They are the pants from my before picture. I have been known to drag these around as a security blanket-and to remind me where I came from:
A few after pics.
The "end" LOL!
