Question:
Why do thin people constantly tell me how fat they are?

I am pre-op, the largest person in my office, the largest person I know. For my entire life, I have been riddled with extremely thin friends coming up to me and WHINING about the 2 pounds they've gained and how fat they are. Mostly, these people are looking for validation, but I find it offensive to be confronted with people who are HUNDREDS of pounds lighter than me who are looking to me to basically tell them, "yea, but you're not as tubby as I am!" I am so sick of hearing it. There is now a thin woman in my office, the receptionist (the main culprets are usually my receptionists) who everyday, several times a day comes to my desk (with it's special chair because I am so heavy), pats her non-existant belly and tells me, "ugh, I am so fat! I can't stand myself!" I am so sick of it, I want to tell her, "jesus, yes, I think you should leave the building before the fire marshall comes!" What can I do to get these skinnies to stop fishing me for compliments?    — Erinn D. (posted on October 16, 2003)

October 16, 2003
This is so interesting. I used to have people do the same thing to me. I used to LAUGH in their faces over the 20 lbs they needed to lose. Well, I am down to MY last 20 lbs, and I complain about it too!!!! It's all a matter of perspective. If you can tell that someone is deliberately trying to hurt your feelings, speak up. Chances are, they are just self absorbed and really mean no harm to you. I think when you are post op you might start looking for validation like I did, by brushing off people's compliments and down playing success like it wasn't THAT big of a deal. They would in return gush over my loss which made me feel better. It's just insecurity (on your part and theirs). You will be at your last 2 lbs to lose soon enough. Good luck and I hope you reach every goal you set for yourself. Sarah.. -134 lbs.
   — SarahC

October 16, 2003
I hear what you are saying. You can deal with this one of a couple of ways. You can say "oh my, ...(pause) you Do look a little bigger." Or you can tell her "well I hear you and I think I am not the one to ask as I am having some difficulty myself" or you can say "well I would be happy to give you the name of my surgeon" or you can do what would be the higher road and smile and don't say a word. Sometimes driving the higher road is hard and I personally have to hit a few pot holes. What I really want to have you remember is when you are a healthier you, you will know better than to say that to anyone bigger than yourself. Keep your chin up. Here is a hug to keep you going.
   — Momshelx3

October 16, 2003
Oh Shell how I love your response it put a big smile on my face!! "You DO look bigger". I will remember that one. Anyway I agree, start agreeing with the receptionist!!! If the skinny's ask if they look heavier say "Why yes" or beat them to the punch by blurting out one day "Gee you must be eating good lately, are your pants getting tighter?"
   — M B.

October 16, 2003
Guilty! When I was heavy I always brought it up to my skinny friends before they started on themselves or before someone made a comment to me about me b/c I was always told to try this and that diet and your so pretty but you should lose some weight, you'd be so beautiful. Now that im thinner, I have issues with my saggy skin, so I catch myself making comments about that and teasing myself so others wouldnt have time to think about it. I dont know why we do this, it's just a self esteem issue and skinny people want to look good, so when they start gaining weight they get upset and I think I can understand that, but I also hear what your saying. I have a bone skinny girlfriend who looks sickly and she trys to gain and cant and gets so upset. It's just a ongoing circle! I'm sorry for everyone that feels bad about themselves.
   — Sandy M.

October 16, 2003
This used to make me crazy too. It was always so irritating. But one thing I have discovered in the 3 years I have been at this weight is that for smaller people, 5 pounds is a SIZE. When I was starting to lose, it took 20 pounds before my clothes were noticably looser. But now, if I lose 5 pounds my clothes fall off; if I gain 5 pounds I can't wear my regular size at all. I am not saying that the people who are bugging you are all innocent and well-intentioned - I have no way of knowing their motivation. I do know that I try and keep my mouth shut about it if my weight is up and I am struggling with nothing to wear, because I know how that will seem to other people. But it is a problem that I never understood before. Good luck with your surgery... you"ll show 'em! hugs, Ann RNY 9/10/99 260/124
   — [Deactivated Member]

October 16, 2003
You're right. They are looking for validation, and for years I would put myself down to make "them" feel better. I got to a point it made me sick. I realized they were no better than I, and I why should I sacrafice my self esteem to pat them on the back. So, I started saying, Oh you feel fat, well, body image is a very personal thing, maybe you could try out such and such (whatever diet/exercise was hot at the time)...maybe that will make you feel better. Boy, I shut a few up with that one. On the flip side, now that I'm down a hundred forty plus, I am still struggling with the last 20 lbs... Mind you, I do not whin to heavier people over it, *BUT*, if they ask why I still workout so ferociously and watch every morsal I eat, I let them know that I'm not content with my size yet. I get "well, look at me, I'd be happy to be your size".....and I whip out the old "body image is a very personal thing" statement....works both sides of the coin ;) Best wishes -Kim open RNY 7/17/01 282/140/125
   — KimBo36

October 16, 2003

   — Amelia L.

October 16, 2003
Shame on you for dissing receptionists like that and shame on you for letting your own low self esteem rule how you see the rest of the world. I have always been the fattest person and for some odd reason, all of my friends are size zero or 3 at the largest and I get the same thing but I've taken the time to get to know these women and their weight issues. They have issues with their weight that are very real to them. Perhaps this woman is not trying to get you to say "yeah but not as fat as me" but perhaps she sees you as someone who will understand. I don't know - maybe a friend? I have a friend who, if she gains 5 lbs, LITERALLY can not fit into her clothes. That is a serious problem for her and I think it would be very pompous of me to belittle her very real issues because I am fatter. I am not saying I have never felt the immediate resentment but take the time to take a deep breath, assume positive and be nice. And if it truly bothers you to discuss weight issues with thin people, then the ownness is on you to tell them. Not everyone is 'out to get the fatties'. If you get WLS and things go well, some day you will be thin and I bet you will have issues - there is no law that says once you are below xyz weight, you can't express them.
   — Donya P.

October 16, 2003
First of all, I'd stop giving them compliments and just ignore their comments. I think it's pretty insensitive of someone who is worried about a couple of pounds to go around proclaiming themselves to be "so fat" in front of someone who is M.O., especially if it's become a habit and isn't just a one-time, stuck-her-foot-in-her-mouth kinda thing. If she/they can't stop doing it, I love your "fire marshall" comment. I certainly understand how you can get to the point where a two-pound weight gain is a big deal, and I don't minimize the importance of that, but I don't see how you can repeatedly go complaining about it to someone with a bigger weight problem. I know when I heard such comments when I was still M.O., I sometimes wondered what the heck they were really thinking about *my* size, even if all they were really thinking of was their own two pounds!
   — Suzy C.

October 16, 2003
The little devil in me wants to say, "Why, yes, you do look heavier". . . . .But a healthier response would be, "I'm sorry of you don't feel good about your appearance, however, I can not help you. I suggest you talk to someone else". . . . This way you acknowledge what they said, stated your position and offered a solution, without, "Your whining to ME. Hellllooooooo!!! Get a life!"
   — Marrilee M.

October 16, 2003
I'll tell you what works to shut the skinny minnies up when they make those ridiculous "I'm so fat" comments...tell them..."oh yes I was noticing lately that you look like you've put on a few pounds". Thats not what they are expecting to hear and it stops them in their tracks!! If they are rude enough to make the I'm so fat comment then they deserve an insult in return. Perhaps it will make them think before speaking in the future.
   — Lois B.

October 16, 2003
ok...this is my take on it. I used to get offended by this too...but then I realized, if someone so much thinner than I am says something like this to me, I take it to mean that this person doesn't see me as a fat person...just as a person. and I don't mind it. If someone just saw me as a fat person, they would never be comfortable speaking about fat in front of me, that's just how most people are. Try not to be too offended by it.
   — thekatinthehat

October 16, 2003
I have a size 2 friend that I have been close with since gradeschool and she is forever telling me about so and so "she is soOooOooOo fat!" and the person in question was always a size 10 or 12 to my 22, so I always thought to myself "if she thinks they're huge, then what does she think of me." well recently she told me that she has never thought of me as fat (?) all this time I have just been her friend, not her fat friend(?) anyway, I still think you should ask the receptionist to save her clothes as she grows out of them because you'll be shrinking into them shortly, and I'll be borrowing my size 2 buddies stuff too *!*
   — SHILOH S.

October 16, 2003
pre op . before I lost 119 pounds I would have NEVER mentioned my weight publicly. Now that I am with in 10 pounds of a normal BMI, I can say something with out being so embarrassed. It is all reletive. I think i would NEVER say something like "you do look heavier". I think that is unkind . I would only offer support and then in the future make a point of complimenting that person when I see them before they have a chance to tear themselves down. Self esteem issues affect people of all sizes. Thin people can and do have eating disorders. I would hate to be responsible for tearing at another persons already obviously fragile self esteem.
   — **willow**

October 16, 2003
I used to get comments like...I have a friend, niece, daughter etc and she is so heavy --what I do to help her --she needs to have more confidence I'll just tell her about you or where do you buy such beautiful clothes it must be hard in your size--or of course, they are always so fat. Not all people are like this though it just those few that stand out in your mind forever!
   — debmi

October 17, 2003
I have a friend who is 100+ lbs lighter than me who tells me how fat she is, while in the same breath is saying how beautiful I am. Two things to consider...either these people have extermely low self-imagine and need CONSTANT reassurance that they are perfect...or these people are just stupid. I too have dealt with this for years...and its gotten to the point where if anyone thinner than me starts complaining, I just say "Let's pull out a scale and we'll see who's got the right to complain!" People who are not big like us tend to see weight as equal to beauty and having nothing to do with health. They have no perspective on the seriousness of actually being overweight or obease. They can't fully grasp the concept of just what it would feel like to be as fat as they think they are. So next time a skinny little bit starts complaining remind them that out there in the world, there are people two-or-more times their size who suffer from constant pain and other health issues. Tell them to be grateful that they only need worry about a pound or two and aren't dealing with such horrors as sleep apnea, heart problems and immoblity. And remember to accept the fact that most wisdom comes from experience and being fat may never be an experience they will have.
   — Renee B.

October 17, 2003
Erinn, There could be as many reasons why as there are stars in the sky! Maybe they're just looking for "compliments" to get a quick boost, maybe they have a need to feel "superior" (is thin truly superior to fat?) in this one thing because the rest of their lives are not good, or maybe they have a serious eating disorder that makes them think they are fat and they are in a panic because of it. Whatever the reason, they are the ones with a problem. I'd either ignore the comments by saying something like "really?, huh." or if you feel like you have the energy and care about the person in question, ask her why she feels the need to report her self evaluations to you daily and maybe a discussion will help you understand why this particular woman is so strange! Who knows, maybe she's a woman you'd like to be friends with (hopefully she has more depth than she's shown so far)!
   — Soosan

October 17, 2003
Goodness, I posted something like this to a question over at the yahoo OSSG-grad board. I think that size 2 people who have the audacity to complain about a few pounds to an MO person are insensitive and cruel, though its hard to believe, they may not be aware they are being so. How can they NOT see the size of the person in front of them? And don't tell me they don't see it, I don't buy it. Sorry. I worked with one of those size 2's who wore her little above the knee colorful Armani suits while I camoflaged in black. On Mondays she would rub her non-existent stomach and moan, "oh I gained 2 pounds this weekend". I'd look her straight in the eye, shake my head, and walk away with no comment. I refused to feed into her need for acknowledgement or whatever it was she wanted. I will say though that after walking away from her several times, she got the "hint" and took her complaints to others. If you don't do something to stop it, they will continue their insensitive behavior. I wonder, has anyone nicely said to one of these size 2's that they are being insensitive?
   — Cindy R.

October 19, 2003
Okay first of all I totally feel you because the same thing happens to me ALL the time! But I also have a best friend who has this image distortion problem...I mean she only thinks she looks good when she is skin and bones. She is beautiful and always has been but she honestly hates her body. I feel bad for her because I don't even hate my body the way she does and I out weigh her by 200lbs. She is about 30lbs "overweight" (in her mind) and she complained about it all the time. I had to tell her how bad this made me feel hearing her go on and on about how FAT she is. I said "if your fat what the hell am I"!?!? She understood and doesn't say that anymore even though deep down she really feels that way. Some people really just hate the way they look...no matter how pretty or thin everybody thinks they are....a sad world we live in but it is so true.
   — Sabrina Plunkett

Click Here to Return