Question:
Another unsupportive husband...*sigh*
My situation is a little bit different: my husband belives that his mother's WLS in 1977 contributed to her death some 30 years later. I am getting nothing but heavy sighs, eyerolls and uncomfortable squirming in their seats from the men in my family when I talk about my excitement in having this surgery. I am a genuinely happy, positive person and this is just sucking the life out of me. Background: I had a RNY BEFORE I even knew my husband and now I need a revision. I was a size 4 when he met me. Now I am a 24. I am so ashamed and upset with myself that I can barely get out of bed to take care of my toddler son. At first, my husband would go with me to the appointments, but then it became such an inconvenience for him that I would always end up leaving every Dr's office fighting back tears and a nervous wreck because I took too long, or I talked too much about it. He even came in the office one time infront of everyone and said: "Ok, thats enough, let's go." because they were fawning over my miracle baby. My life has become unbearable. The minute I mentioned the DS to my husband and brother in law they pounced on me about their mother. I don't even have my own checking account. He controls all the money. What do I do when it comes time to pay? Please keep me in your prayers. I need all the help I can get. Trish — actrish (posted on July 1, 2006)
July 1, 2006
Hi Trish. I just want to tell you that I will be praying for you. Keep
strong and always remember that with God, you are never alone! Best of
luck to you
Hugs,
Tracy
— Tracyrcb
July 1, 2006
Hello Trish,
You need Marriage counseling, if he won't go, go by yourself. The
counseling will help you decide whether to leave him or how to stay with
him and be happy. I went by myself at the 2 year mark we just celibrated
our 15th wedding anniversary. My husband changed when I changed myself and
I don't mean losing weight. If he has control of the money then you need to
find a job and get your own money. Try to find a job that has good
insurance that will pay for the surgery. Usually large companies. I hope
everything works out for you.
Susan
— smparker2
July 1, 2006
Hi Trish,
I just read your bio. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
I always say, "If it's going to be, it's up to me!" You do what
you need to do. I'll say a little prayer for you.
— shar
July 2, 2006
It understandable WHY your husband is responding like he is when HE
believes the surgery contributed to his mother's death....does he realize
how differently the procedure is done now? Is he happy with you heavy?
Maybe he's afraid of losing you to another if you lose....
I think the advice about going for marriage counseling would be good for
you; it would give you the opportunity to vent your feelings and resolve
some issues.
Congrats on wanting to change! Be strong, another Trish
— zoeysgrami
July 2, 2006
Well I agree with everyone else that marriage counseling is an excellent
suggestion. It is sad that they think their mother died because of WLS, but
let them know you could die withouth the surgery. Has the doctor said why
you need a revision? Was something done incorrectly in the first surgery?
I would seek a second opinion. If the surgery was done correctly you still
have the same "tool" to lose weight but maybe you just need to
get back on track...so to speak. Regarding finances, have you determined
if your insurance will pay? If so your husband has no control over it. Is
your name on the checking account even though he controls the finances...if
so you can always withdrawl money. Just some suggestions.
— [Deactivated Member]
July 2, 2006
You GO GIRL. Kick him in the COCO puffs :). Seriously Dump him. He seems
abusive. You deserve better.
— Navada L.
July 2, 2006
Huh? She lived thrity years and he attributes her death to the surgery?
Why? Her life may very well have been much shorter had she not undergone
the surgery! She could have died from sleep apnea, high blood pressure,
heart problems, diabetes, etc. Why in the world does he blame the
surgery?
Try asking him. Or get someone he respects to talk to him about it.
— Novashannon
July 2, 2006
Can I ask why she died? what was the reason for her death?? get the truth
first!... yes get some counseling then make a decision... God should be
first in your life then everything will come together... please let us know
why the mother passed on... hugs to you
Flo
— Flo
July 2, 2006
Why does he control all the money? Aren't you married to Him? Don't you and
him live together? There are some control issue that need to be dealt with.
Also, yOU need to remind him that you are not your mother and improvements
have been made since the 1977 version AND this is for your own best welfare
and not his. However, with that being said you and him will have to do this
lifelong journey together. You do not want him to "get on your
case" every time a little thing goes wrong. So go get couples therapy
together even for one trial session. The first one is the hardest because
that is where you will get suggestions on how to begin imporving your lives
together. I must also point out I am solely responding to what I read, I do
not know of your exact homelife or your family.
— Ginah Clark
July 2, 2006
As others have said, Marriage counseling is in order.If it doesnt help
it's t time to leave him.He is an abusive man who obviously cares nothing
about you. DO you have insurance? Then find out if your insurance will pay
for a revision. Do you have family that can help your or you can go to?
Time for you to take control of your own life and that of your baby. Will
your husband raise him right if you die from being MO? Probably not. Take
care of yourself.
— goldroses
July 2, 2006
The story is that my husband's mom died of a heart attack/arryth (sp) The
found her in the jacuzzi. He said the other day that it was a potassium
deficiency that caused the heart problem. However, I have also heard that
there were chemicals in the ALUMINUM based hot tub that could have sent her
into a heart attack. (Chemical reaction)
The brother in law talked to me about the letters that she wrote and how
"out of it" she was because of vitamin malabsorption. Supposedly
she was moody, out of control (as all us women are...) and made no sense
for a while there. She gained weight back because "she was always
eating trying to get what she needed." I say that's CRAP, she was an
emotional eater because she was in an abusive marriage and would binge eat.
My husband has made comments that late at night before bed she would be
rattling around in the kitchen.
I think a large part of the problems I am getting here is because she and I
are so much alike---and the men in this family see it.
— actrish
July 3, 2006
Get thee to marriage counseling, pronto! And if/when you go to an
information session on surgery or visit a doctor about your revision, bring
hubby with you. Maybe a doctor can tell you hubby how many updates and
advances have been made to WLS since 1977. Now I don't want to sound harsh
but if your spouse is not supportive of WLS and continues to be a drain of
joy in your life, GET OUT! I am willing to wager that if you have WLS and
are successful, he will probably choose some other scab to pick at until it
bleeds. Listen to your inner voice and follow that path!
— Mrs. Crabapple
July 3, 2006
Thank you to all who wrote to me and those of you that posted. Your
kindness is soooo appreciated.
Just so you know: I did take my husband to my surgeon. He pretty much was
irritated the whole time. The surgeon did not even speak to my husband,
possibly for that reason. Since then, for personal reasons, I decided to
not go back. I want to persue a revision, but because of the lack of
interaction, I will not be using that particular physician.
I am now researching the DS with Baltasar and Ungson, possibly Dr. Lord if
my insurance (which is in appeal with an atty) comes through.
Remember that I have a year old baby, which makes jumping back into work
difficult even without the health problems from the weight coming back.
Those of you who suggested counseling are so right. We need it and I am in
the process of trying to get my husband to see that.
Those of you who are offering prayers, thank you so much. You will never
know how much that means to my heart.
Trish
— actrish
July 3, 2006
Hey Trish, I'm going to give you a few things to think about, and then I'll
'try' to give understandable advice. First and Foremost, DO NOT allow
anyone to innapropriately alter Your Happiness and your Positive
Personality. That is something you worked hard to achieve. And I must say
CONGRATULATIONS! Just hold on, as hard as this may be. You are in control
of your emotions, and your Miracle child. And your miracle baby!
Now, having this serious problem with your husband and his family, IMO, is
largely your in-laws' problem to deal with. Losing your Mom is tragic and
life-altering to most families, I don't see, from your post, that 'the men'
have not come to terms with their Mom's passing, and I think it would be
that way however she passed. They need intensive therapy, feel their
emotions, let them out and try to move on. You, however, are Happy, and
Positive. In order to hold on and survive your situation, you may want to
put up some bounderies between you,and the your in-law's. It is their anger
and pain about THEIR mother (which has obviously not been resoloved) that
is causing the problem, IMO. You do what you need to do to take care care
of you and your child. This is Your journey, and if your husband (and his
brother)choose not to have therapy to face and repair their issues
surrounding their Mothers' passsing, you ALL have some major problems to
work out. Perhaps you could try to speak less about the WLS problems (which
could be a trigger for them) and seek further help from here, or a close
friend, or better, a therapist. As far as the money control issue, I have
the same problem, since I am on Permanent Disability, and legally "can
not handle my own affairs." Fortunately, I have a highly supportive
husband. And HE even doesn't like talking about WLS issues, because he has
his own opinions and I have mine. But neither of us are angry. Please
e-mail me, if you'd like to talk further, my address is on my page.
I will pray for you (in my way) and keep you in my thoughts, as cliche' as
that sounds, I mean it.
— [Deactivated Member]
July 6, 2006
Trish.... I am keeping you in my prayers...
Please go to my page and read my story... I too fell off the wagon and lost
contact for 2 years with the outside world, I was facing dealth and dealing
with many issues...I was searching for the perfect answer...I met an angel
that held my hand and made me believe in myself... STOP the tears... Lets
figure out the real problem...I would love to be your angel...
Give me a shoot
— shakeyourweight
July 10, 2006
wow something happened i started a letter to you and it disappeared....
Here goes again. I was married 23 yrs to my H.S. sweetheart he became a
alcohlic and verbally abuse I never worked I stayed home took care of the
kids. Today I work full time support myself and my kids are now all grown
up and on there own... I ahd gastric bypass 4/7/05 I lost 103 lbs. and feel
terrific I went from a 18-20 to a 6-8 some diffrence believe me.. Just go
to the doctor if you have ins. and get the balanced billed to the person
that the ins. is in or where it says who is liable for the bill put your
husband down... Get the surgery and live life to the fullest it is to short
to not be happy. PLUS 30 yrs. ago the surgery was alot diffrent. Good luck
e-mail me if you would like to talk sometime...God bless Cindy
— NYCindy
July 14, 2006
I'll probably get slammed for this, but I say you need a divorce. Sounds
like he is controlling you through finances and guilt. Divorce is not easy,
but being ina bad marraige isn't easy either.
— catleth
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