Question:
How do you handle the nosy questions from co-workers?
I did not tell anyone at work that I had WLS. They are a very opinionated, self-centered, unsupportive bunch and I didn't want there advice prior to surgery. Tomorrow is my first day back and I've lost 55 pounds since they last saw me. Any advice on how to handle their inquiries without giving away my secret? Thank you! — vbenedict0208 (posted on January 6, 2002)
January 6, 2002
All I have to say is good luck! I went back to work last Wednesday for the
first time since surgery. I didn't tell my co-workers either. But then
they needed a release from my surgeon to return to work, it said Weight
Loss Surgery. It was horrible! I was in tears within two hours of
arriving at work. Finally, on Friday the ridiculing got too much and I
walked out! Here I am 6 weeks out and I have no job. I will pray for you
that this doesn't happen to you! It is sooooooo hard. Let me know how it
goes for you! Amy
— purdue_1993
January 6, 2002
I know this is a very real problem for some folks and I truly sympathize
with them, but I wish just one of our gutsy group would have the chutzpa to
tell these nosey folks that they had just had a sex change operation. And
let them chew on that! If I were still in the work force I would do just
that, just for the fun of it. Nina
— [Deactivated Member]
January 6, 2002
Hi, Lee. First, congrats on your weight loss! That's fantastic! I freelance
myself, but do have a lot of contact with people in my kids' school. I have
only told a handful of people about my own surgery, although I've received
a lot of nice comments at this point (I'm down 118 lbs. since May). If it's
someone I don't feel comfortable sharing with who's asked me, "How did
you lose all that weight?," I can honestly say, "I don't eat much
and I exercise my butt off." Both statements are true. I've also found
that often the best, quickest way to respond to someone's comment,
"You've lost so much weight," is to simply smile and say,
"Yes, I have. Thanks." Then change the subject. Good luck!
— Mary Ellen W.
January 6, 2002
Many years ago I was taught to answer a question with a question or with a
vague answer. Example: Q: what type of surgery did you have? A: Why do
you ask? or Is it important? or maybe even, Abdominal surgery, why do you
ask? A response I've used in other situations is "That's a very
personal question. I'll forgive your rudeness in asking if you'll forgive
my rudeness for not answering." A non-answer you can use is "a
surgical procedure to remedy a health problem (or health issue) I
have". Another is abdominal surgery (no details). I told one person I
had a little plumbing done. Another one was told "when your body gets
as many miles on it as mine has, you have to go in for a tune-up." One
of the first people who said "You've lost some weight haven't
you?" got a response of "I don't know anyone who's had major
surgery that hasn't lost some weight." followed by "my doctor
insisted that I lose some weight. I've been working on it since my
surgery." Not a lie. <P>Please remember, you don't owe your
co-workers a detailed explanation. My doctor removes the gallbladder at
the same time, so my co-workers know I had my gallbladder removed, a liver
biopsy (routine for my surgeon), and "some other stuff done at the
same time". No details were provided. I'm by nature a private person
and they really haven't pushed. <P> I did avoid answering a woman
at church who asked point-blank if I'd "had my stomach stapled".
Her sister had one of the older surgeries years ago and still has some
eating issues. She had just spent a week with her and felt her sister's
quality of life wasn't the best. I told about the gallbadder removal only.
She choose a poor time and place to ask and I didn't feel the need to
discuss it then and there. <P> When a question is asked, think
about whether the person asking has a right to know about your personal
business. Most don't. Be creative in your answers. <p>You don't
have to be defensive when answering questions. Just be assertive enough to
let them know it's not a subject that is open for discussion. Provide a
non-answer like one of the above, then follow it quickly with a question of
your own like, "what have I missed around here? did anyone get
married, promoted, quit, fired, etc. or did Susie have her baby?" Take
control of the conversation. <P> I also use humor sometimes to avoid
answering "Ya'll are pretty nosey, aren't ya?" If someone asks
if I had gastric bypass surgery, I look at them like they're really out in
left field and ask "You think I would have that done, the way I like
to eat???? You're kidding, right?" If they push, I vote for the
telling them you did the preliminary work for a sex change operation. Good
luck.
— [Anonymous]
January 6, 2002
I take it as I time for me to educate them about the procedure and what it
is all about. Just about everyone that I have talked to about it is open to
listening to the details and are very supportive of my decision.
Dealing with the few unsupportive ones...(ie: my family at first was not
really "hip" on the idea they thought it was too drastic) you
just have to tell them that it was your decision and do what you have to
do. The only advice I have is to use your knowledge to inform people about
the procedure and your lifestyle changes. Sometimes people are not
supportive because they just don't understand or know any better. Keep your
chin up and congrats on the weight loss!
— Stacy S.
January 6, 2002
This is in response to AMY's response on NOSY co-workers. Don't give up!!
I think it depends on how long you have been at your job....BUT.....if you
really enjoyed your work..DON'T LET ANYONE GET TO YOU....If and when I am
lucky enough to have surgery, I am planning on having information for my
co-workers prepared ahead of time...for any questions and such....As of
right now...I have only told a handful of people...but I am sure the word
is getting out...I am playing "DUMB" right now when
approached...just until I have a surgery date...then I can't wait for
someone to try and tell me something negative..LOL....But seriously
AMY...if you liked your work BEFORE THE SURGERY, and have supportive
friends....GO BACK....explain to them the who, what, where, when, and
why....and if they are true freinds it will all be OK...GOODLUCK!!
— [Anonymous]
January 6, 2002
I tried not to tell about my surgery. But my coworkers are very kind
people and I was worrying them about cancer etc. I felt It would be a
kindness to tell them about WLS. I got so much love and support pre and
post op. The few that had negative things to say, said it amongst
themselves since I firmly made it know that I did not want to hear their
negativity.
Saring is caring. LOL
— faybay
January 6, 2002
Here's what I told my co-workers and my neighbors when I disappeared for
about a month: I told them I had my gallbladder removed (which was not a
lie) and that I took a little extra time off work to visit my daughter in
college where I recovered (which is not a lie). Then I told them I got
strict orders from my doctor to lose 100+ lbs. or I would have a heart
attack, get diabetes, severe arthritis, (which is not a lie)....and I just
left it with "This time I've decided to take my doctor seriously and
I'm really trying to get this weight off." Then if it comes right
down to it and they get nosey with you, say something like "It's
personal." If someone says, "I heard you had your stomach
stapled" (that's what people were saying about me), I'd just laugh it
off and say, "Really? That's what you heard?" They are still
wondering about me. But I'm waiting to use my one last option. If someone
gets blatantly nosy with me, I'm going to get blatantly rude with them and
say "Hasn't anyone ever taught you that it's impolite to ask someone
what kind of surgery they had? If they wanted you to know, they'd tell
you." Unfortunately, I live in "gossip-land" and I'm not
ashamed I had WLS, it's just that it is my business. I don't ask other
people what kind of surgery they had. Some people are just so nosy and
live to gossip about other people, I think cause they don't have a life of
their own. I'm not like that. I could care less about other people's
business, I have enough in my own head going on to last a lifetime. So
handle your situation however you see fit. Congratulations on your loss.
— blank first name B.
January 6, 2002
This is a back up to anonymous. Please remember that early post op we have
raging hormones. We cry at the least thing and are often easily offended.
Please, if you like your job, try again. I am sure your coworkers will
have learned their lesson about cruel comments, for now.
— faybay
January 6, 2002
Don't say a word about sex change-----a few years back a friend of mine
worked for a large university, and one of her co-workers actually had the
sex change. There was a lot of hostility towards the person from both the
men and women in her department----they actually had a 3rd rest room
installed, just for the person. There was a legal sexual harrassment
battle too, from not only the person having the change, but co-workers who
were just offended. My friend ended up changing jobs it was so bad----I
found that when I don't want someone to really know more than I choose to
tell about my surgery, I respond with a "this is really none of your
business, and I don't think your motives are of genuine concern". I
know a bit on the abrupt side, but really, how many times have we take
other people being rude to us, just cause we are of a larger size?
— [Anonymous]
January 6, 2002
Hi. I am pre-op, scheduled for the 16th and I only shared with ahndful of
people I thought needed to know, human resource benefits (inquired about
sick time, supervisor and office mate--asked each to keep it confidential)
I do not plan on saying anything else to anyone else simply because its not
their business. I know the questions will come, but I will just say that I
had surgery and am doing well. Don't feel pressured to share your
information--only share what you feel comforatable sharing. Some people
will react negaitvely because they aren't going to know how to deal with
you because you are no longer going to be the "fat" one they can
joke about or take advantage of. You will be leveling the playing field if
you know what I mean. This is private as far as I am concerned, so keep
them guessing.
— Tara C.
January 6, 2002
If you dont tell them they will fear your dying of cancer or AIDS. Print up
some stuff from the internet about the surgery, and tell the truth, you
have NOTHING to be ashamed of! Isnt it better than having them gossip
behind your back about your impending death? Besides they may mention you
to a MO friend of theres, thus saving another life.
— bob-haller
January 6, 2002
i haven't decided what i will do either lee. i will tell you that i have
been at sorts with what to say and i've discussed it with a girlfriend of
mine. she says it's no one's business but i really don't know what to say.
let me know what you decided to do so i can keep it close to me when my
day comes...thanks
— Trofie 9.
January 6, 2002
I've only told a handful of people that I work with only because I am
scared enough and don't need any unneccessary negativity. If they ask
afterward, I will make no bones about how the weight is coming off. Damn
straight I had surgery! hahaha
— Brenda S.
January 7, 2002
No one is going to think you have cancer! Please! Simply tell them that you
lost some weight in the hospital and it motivated you to keep going. No big
deal. It worked for me, no one knows any better, and everyone was super
complimentary about my weight loss.
— [Anonymous]
January 7, 2002
Ok, the truth is that most people don't understand WLS and will have
"opinions" that are uninformed and unwelcomed. However, I really
have an issue when people make it sound like they just decided to lose
weight. Every time you make it look like you found a good diet or just
really buckled down, you perpetuate the myth that WLS isn't necessary. I'm
not saying you have to shout it from the rooftops. But if someone asks you
directly how you lost weight, and you leave out the part of the surgery,
you are telling a lie. That lie spreads as stories of "I know a
person who lost 100 pounds just by not eating as much." That comes
back and contributes to why people are ashamed of the surgery to begin
with. I understand and support pre-ops in keeping their decision to
themselves. But once you've had the surgery, there's nothing for them to
talk you out of. At that point, every pound you lose makes you a poster
child for this life saving procedure. If you aren't honest you become a
poster child for the "diet and exercise" approach. I've often
wondered how many of the stories I hear of massive weight loss on different
diets are actually people who didn't want to admit to their surgery. I
respect everyone's decision to keep their medical history private. I only
ask that you think about the long reaching effects of the information you
put out there. Personally, when people comment on my weight loss, I show
them my scar with pride. I am proud that I had the courage to love myself
enough to take advantage of the best treatment available. If they don't
like it, tough, I'm laughing all the way to the small clothes section.
— kcanges
January 7, 2002
Lee,
Congrats on your great loss. I was so happy that I was approved that
everyone where I work knew and was supportive of my surgery, and that
included about 300 people. I did talk with a few that had some concerns
about why I was doing this and I was quick to respond with this statement
"Until you have lived in my body and walked around with 300 lbs on
your feet you cannot judge anything I am doing" Now that I have lost
100 lbs most are quick to think and say I made the right choice. I wish
you luck on your return.
— samizaki
January 7, 2002
Let us know how your co-workers reacted to your 55 pound weight loss! I
personally would love to know.
— Julie D.
January 7, 2002
Hey there! Congrats on your loss! I was in a similar predicament myself. My
boss knows about the surgery, but none of my co-workers do, so when they
noticed the weight, they said "You've lost weight!" My answer:
"Yeah," they said "Have you lost weight?" I said
"Yeah." Nobody pushed anymore. The people who may ask you how
you've lost it are people who often have weight problems themselves.
Depending on the severity you may wish to tell them, you may not. Don't lie
though, I completely agree with the poster who said it adds to the negative
image of WLS, and could deter from saving lives. On a lighter note, I
seriously believe that Subway's Jared had WLS! LOL! :) Well good luck and
let us know how it goes!
— Deborah W.
January 7, 2002
Well, unlike Kathryn, I am a closet WLS'er. My year anniversary is tomorrow
and I am 16 pounds BELOW goal and wear a size 6! In this year's time, I
have encountered only a few extremely nosey people. I am frequently asked
"How much weight have you lost?" My honest and short answer is
"a lot". Only one person asked a follow up to that question. (I
think my answer took her by surprise), She stammered around and actually
said "well, how much do you weigh?" My answer was, "I never
tell anyone how much I weigh, even my husband doesn't know that!" She
got the point. I have never been asked if I've had surgery. In this part of
the country, it isn't a well-publicized treatment--yet. If someone would
ask me, I have a prepared answer..."Oh do regular people have that
done or is that just for movie stars?" It's answering a question with
a question. Throughout this year, people have been very pleased with my
loss and most people have cheered me on. I have kept a very low profile,
because I didn't like not answering people completely honestly. I would
thank them for their compliments, then promptly change the subject and not
give them opportunity for follow-up. I can honestly say that I personally
know of no other MO people. No one else in my family or at my church where
my closest friends are. I am not sure what I would say to them if asked. I
would maybe somehow anonymously let them know about this website and hope
that they investigate all of us!! If you want to keep it quiet, then you
really shouldn't share too much about your actual weight loss or food
choices, etc... I guess you can't have it both ways. You may want the
support, but unless you are completely honest, you may not get it. Sure, I
would have loved to have the attention and even more compliments, but
keeping my medical history private was more important than receiving
praises and applause. Now, that my first year is up, I know my weight loss
will become a non-issue and this excites me!! I want people to think of me
at this weight, rather than the MO person who lost soooo much weight. I
just want to blend in. Just my very humble opinion and choice...Shelley
— Shelley.
January 7, 2002
I would just be honest. I have told people at my work and I'm sure some may
be talking negatively about it amongst themselves. My friends there are
supportive even if some don't agree with it. I just told them the
statistics of 97% of people who lose a significant amount of weight regain
it but 92% of people who have this sugery don't. I also told them that
insurance only approves it because it will improve my health they don't
approve it for comestic reasons. It's hard to argue with those statements.
If some people want to continue with negative comments they probably would
find negative things to say anyways so whats the difference. Hold you head
up and be proud you took your health in a positive direction! Oh by the way
some obese coworkers are anxiously awaiting the results of my surgery and
some are already laying the ground work for approval for their own surgery.
— Candace F.
January 7, 2002
Tell them you didn't lose weight, you just had a boob job so it makes your
waist look smaller. Let them think about that for a while.
— Goldilauxx B.
January 7, 2002
Well today was my first day back and it was quite an interesting day! I
work in a casino and as I walked through people just stared at me. (I also
got my hair cut boyishly short) Many people complimented me and said that I
looked much healthier which I thought was nice. I was asked several times
how I lost so much weight and I replied "I simply burn more calories
than I eat". One woman said "Well what DO you eat?" I said
"Very little". One man said that he heard that I had been on
medical leave and asked me what the leave was for.(I don't know him well)
By the end of a five minute conversation I had him thoroughly convinced
that I had given birth to a baby girl and named her Bertha May. I left him
with that story too. I need to make something clear to some posters, I AM
NOT ASHAMED of my surgery. I am proud of myself for taking my life back and
gaining control. I am a VERY private person and do not feel that I have to
share my private medical records with anyone but my doctor. Also, being
that I've been with this company for 8 years and they have seen me be on
numerous diets, I remember their comments such as "You shouldn't be
eating that!" or "You'll never get that weight off with THAT much
cheese on that salad". Suddenly everyone is a diet expert.(Even though
the majority of the people I work with are overweight themselves) This
surgery is hard enough as far as dealing with the food issues to have to
listen to their know it all attitudes. Also, when Carnie wilson was on the
cover of People magazine, someone brought in the copy and it was laying
around the department. I was trying to get approved at that point so my
ears were tuned in to see how people would react. Several comments were
made about how she should have not done that to her body and she took the
easy way out..blah, blah, blah. I agree with Shelley, I will be keeping
this to myself. Besides, I have all of YOU to share my journey with! :)
— vbenedict0208
January 8, 2002
I personally decided to tell everyone, but not until AFTER the surgery.
I've told my supervisor and close friends at work. However, one day I
decided to tell a co-worker, (I still don't know what possessed me to do
this) and her reply was, "Well, I lost 80 lbs. by sheer
willpower." It just goes to show you how rude and insensitive people
can be. Thank God most people don't have an attitude like this woman. I
am still going to be honest and tell the truth to everyone who wants to
know - AFTER my surgery. Then if someone says something rude, I'll say
something like, "I'm not asking for your approval."
— [Anonymous]
January 12, 2002
I have to say that I agree with Kathryn in regards to what she
had to say about disclosing your weight loss surgery. People really do
need to know that the people who are having the surgery are the ones losing
the weight and keeping it off. My family was all against it at first.
Lucky for me they are all intelligent people who took the time to look for
themselves and discover that the surgery was most likely the only effective
way for me to ever get not just thin but healthy again. They stopped
looking at it as being about my physical appearance and started looking at
is as more about my quality of life. I guess I'm already used the ridicule
of "you took the easy way
out" I'm on disability as a bi-polar, frequently not a recognized as
a legitimate illness by the general public. Many people I know have
criticized me to my face and behind my back because "your just being
lazy you could work if you wanted to." However, even though the
change in attitude is not complete, people are more educated about my
disorder now than they were in 1988 when it first reared its ugly head and
more companionate than they were back then. The fact is I know I'll never
loose the weight without the surgery and I am in misery living this way.
So, I think I'm pretty darn brave because I'm ready to have
"surgery" with all it's risks instead of sitting here on a making
myself feel awful by starving only to turn around one day after I've
wrecked my metabolism with more dieting only to gain it all back plus some.
Furthermore, I feel very self-righteous because I don't think it's fair I
should have to spend the rest of my life feeling starved because the rest
of the world thinks I should have will power.
— Jennifer H.
April 23, 2002
I work in a very gossipy workplace, so I chose not to tell anyone about
surgery prior. I figure that eventually people will figure out that I left
to have surgery, and have been losing weight afterwards and put two and two
together. One thing I can say, is that whomever you choose to tell, make
sure you stipulate that it's very private and you'd prefer no one else
know. I've had my best friend, sister, and mother come to me saying,
"you know, I was talking to so and so about your surgery"-now
MANY more people know about it than I had intended.
— Kari H.
April 23, 2002
Fortunately for me I won't be breaking any new ground at my workplace. On
my floor in the building another woman had this surgery last August. She
was very open with everyone and they have watched her melting away and have
seen how great she's feeling now. In the rest of the building there are at
least 3 other women who've had the surgery at different times and probably
3 or 4 more (myself included) preparing for the surgery. Because of this,
I have been able to be open and share my journey with them. If you feel
that you would be uncomfortable sharing, then don't. There are lots of
reasons for sugery and it is well known that high protein diets are very
successful for losing huge amounts of weight (how long you keep it off is a
whole nother story!) Tell them you had a hernia repaired, gallbladder out,
ulcer repaired, etc and if they mention your weight loss....you can be
honest and say your using a high protein diet to lose weight. Whatever you
decide to do, I wish you much luck and congratulations on your loss!!
— Wendy C.
September 3, 2002
I'm going to be deep in the closet about my WLS. I work at the hospital
where I am having it done!!! I am going to check in under my maiden name
with a privacy marker on my record. (This is done all the time for
celebrities and victims of domestic violence) **** I work with about 25 MO
women and they will not be supportive. Another nurse and I are having WLS
together and are keeping it deeply confidential. I agree with the earlier
poster who is just going to explain it as a gallbladder removal and being
scared straight into weight loss. ****As for the woman who quit after her
medical release was made public in her workplace- you have a legitimate
suit against your personnel dept. if you want to go the lawyer route. Your
medical information is legally protected.
— Edith W.
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