Question:
Has anyone chosen NOT to tell others?
I have chosen not to tell others about my decision to have surgery. Now 8 months out it is very apparent that I have lost weight and I am getting a lot of questions and comments and I feel a little dishonest that I don't tell the "truth", but instead try and brush off comments or say something vauge, but true, like "I eat less and workout more". I have chosen not to tell because I feel it has been a very personal decision and one of my "change" goals for myself was not to be such an open book and just spout out everything about myself. Well it's hard. I feel like I'm being dishonest. If a MO person asks me I am VERY CAREFUL in what I say to not mislead them that this was all "my doing". Quite frankly I'm also getting sick of the questions and sometimes rude comments I keep getting. It really makes me angry too. I mean they say things like "You look anorexic", as if that's a compliment! At other times people will say things that imply that I looked HORRIBLE before. It just all makes me sad. OK, I'm rambling a bit, and maybe this is all some sort of hormonal rage, LOL, but I'm getting sick of all the questions, I'm trying not to feel like I'm lying when I'm just keeping my personal life and decisions to myself. If one day someone flat out asks if I had the surgery, I"m going to be so mad that I blurt out something nasty to ask a dreadfully inappropriately personal question of them. Thank you for listening to my vent. Any thoughts or feelings that you might share would be greatly appreciated. — w8free (posted on May 8, 2004)
May 8, 2004
Hi Elizabeth
I know what you mean. I get the same response and I told everyone from
the very beginning what I was doing. Everyone for the most part is just as
exctied and happy for me and my 120 pound loss. I have had 2 people to make
remarks like How much more are you going to lose? or you don't want to lose
too much and believe me I still have a ways to go! I am 10 months post op
and I have come to realize there are all kinds of people with all kinds of
attitudes, but I did not have this surgery for them and they don't control
my life. If they don't agree with what I did then so be it! If we worried
and get mad at every smart remark the we will not be able to enjoy our new
lives. Today for the first time ever I was able to play softball and jump
on the trampoline with my 7 year old granddaughter! It is times like this
that remind me of just one of the reasons I had the surgery. This wipes
away ALL the smart remarks. Don't worry about everyone else. Enjoy your new
self and I wish you the very best on your continued journey!!
— cindylou56
May 8, 2004
I don't think any of us are alone in this. After dealing with ridicule and
discrimination for years, I knew that my decision to have surgery was very
private and none of anyone's business but those I chose to tell. Like one
of the other posters, I chose not to tell anyone at work, not even my boss
when I applied for leave. I was "outed" anyway by a boss who
thought it was alright to respond to questions about my time off with
"officially its a private matter, but my suspicions are that she's
having that weight loss surgery". I was told by a close co-worker
what was being passed around. I was mortified and filed a formal
complaint. But you aren't lying to folks when you tell them eat less and
workout. You ARE doing that, aren't you? Don't feel bad about not telling
the whole truth. We all know that this isn't the easy way out, no matter
what anyone thinks. I know its hard to field th questions. I'm only 3
months out down 60 pounds and I am getting them already. My problem now is
I don't know who my boss told and how far the "rumor" has spread,
so there's a chance that anyone who says anything does suspect the truth.
I decided it doesn't matter to me, my answer is the same as yours. Eat
less, workout. And then if I feel like it, I go into how wonderful it is
that I CAN workout now, even if my idea of working out is just 15 minutes
or so on the treadmill at a time. You see, this is a great accomplishment
for me, since I could barely walk any distance before surgery. Even if I
hadn't had the surgery and did this "all on my own" (which is not
a lie) I would be getting comments and attention because of the change.
Take it as a complement that they are noticing and revel in your
accomplishment. If it really bothers you not to tell them the gorey
details, just say thank you and give them absolutely no information at all.
You'd be surpised how fast a conversation ends with those two simple
words.
Congratulations on your accomplishment!
— Windy Pat
May 8, 2004
Hi Elizabeth: I chose not to tell anyone too, but I had a very nosy
co-worker who delved into my personal life and listened to private
conversations with Dr.s and found out I was planning on gastric bypass and
she made it very hard for me. I heard often comments like why can't I just
diet.....have I tried everything?, She had a friend who had it and she
failed...etc. After the surgery it got worse, when I started to lose weight
and look good. So many people at work became so jealous and I received
comments like you do...OMG your getting too thin, you better stop..even a
65 year old woman was so jealous of me she would make comments that would
realy hurt, so many people that I thought were my friends turned on me
(heavy and thin ones) that the back stabbing got so bad I haad to leave my
job (best decision I ever made)and ya know what looking good is the best
revenge..when I see them in public they seethe just looking at me, I
normaly would not flaunt my weight loss but they hurt me so bad, I can't
help myself. I guess the bottom line is we did this for ourselves and
really can't change how people respond to us, so we try to deal with it the
best way that we can. Well thank you for allowing me to vent..it's been a
long time coming :-) Lap RNY 6/26/03 lost 126lbs. and loving life. Jane
— jane O.
May 8, 2004
it really hurts me when people who have had wls think that they are being
dishonest when they choose not to tell that they had wls. it is your
personal medical information that even your doctor cannot discuss with
anyone, so why should you feel that you are being dishonest if you choose
not to tell anyone? if you had surgery so that you could have a baby and
then got pregnant would you feel dishonest if you choose not to tell people
how you got pregnant? the subject of weightloss is very big in this
country. they are millions of overweight adults and teens. everyday on tv
there is something about loosing weight or wls. it has become and everyday
topic. most people don't even think of it as personal info and feel ok with
commenting on the topic. i can understand the need to "know".
before having wls i tried everything to lose weight. the problem isn't that
people ask these questions, but how you react to them. if you wanted to say
"i'm working with my doctor" or "it's personal" and
just leave it at that it might just stop it. BUT if someone is
rude.....well....DON'T TAKE IT. just look at them for a few seconds in the
eye and walk off. actions speak alot louder than words, plus you can't get
fired for telling off a co-worker if you don't say anything ;) hahaa it's
your choice. dont ever feel pressured or guilty for keeping your personal
medical history personal.
— franbvan
May 8, 2004
<b>I think this is a hard question to answer, For the nosey ones, yes
I do not tell, I believe because they are nosey they will find out anyhow.
so let them find out on their own. but I will tell, someone who have a
weight problem. because maybe what I tell them, will help them find a
answer to their weight problem. In the beginning I didn't tell, and then
when it came apparent that something was going on I did tell those that
asked. during this time I was very proud of myself and riding on a high
from all of my loss. Now not many people ask and it's not a issue to know
one. it's like I've blended in with everyone. every now and then someone
will compliment me and encourage me. I have no problem leting people know
the hard work I've done to accomplish what I've acomplished</b>
— B4real
May 8, 2004
I decided to tell the world! Better that way, as people who didnt know
thought that I had cancer and was on chemo. I got to goal in 6 months and
looked bad early on. I went on to get a newspaper article on WLS run. That
was over 2 years ago. At our last support group meeting I went up and
welcomed someone that hadnt been there before. I offered my before and
after photo. He said, I already have it! Its in my wallet! Err I was
confused.... Turned out he had carried that newspaper article a friend had
given him since the story came out. He is getting surgery in june. That
story saved lives. I have had perfect strangers come up to me in malls, ask
are you the WLS bob haller. Yes thats me... Heres my before picture I had
surgery, your story saved my life, thanks so much. Less a couple idiot
unsupportive folks most notably my step mom everyone has been nice
supportive and friendly. I ALWAYS SAY! WLS IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF! It
surgery to fix a medical problem, and being MO is definetely not our fault.
If you think about it other than WLS when does anyone ever loose so much
weight so fast? Cancer:( Personally I think its better to be up front and
honest. It just might save another persons life! Honestly being a advocate
for surgery has given me back a lot more than the energy I put into it. Its
part of a promise I made to myself pre op to help others if I survived
surgery and did well. Thats why I volunteer here to. to give something
back. Try it you might find it has its own set of rewards:) When my day
comes to die, I thuink god will smile at my efforts.
— bob-haller
May 8, 2004
I am four years post-op. Initially, I told only my most immediate family
(husband, adult children and my mother) and my CEO, because I was
requesting a week off from work (lap RNY and optimistic) and felt that I
needed to be honest with her. I had "tried and failed" so very
many times in the past. Laparascopic WLS was very new four years ago, and
I wasn't really certain that I could trust that this procedure would
"work". I didn't want everyone to be watching and waiting
curiously to see if I had "put my life on the line and spent all that
money" just to fail again. I am by nature an introvert and this was
an intensely personal and private decision for me. Many
"extroverts" joyfully proclaim their WLS decisions to the whole
world and that's a wonderful thing for them.... that just wasn't
"me". As the weight dramatically fell off, everyone was anxious
to know how I was "doing it"....aren't we all always looking for
the magic diet?? I told people that I was limiting my diet to protein,
eating no sugar or fats, drinking lots of water, and had joined a health
club and was working-out 3-4 times a week....all true statements, but I
omitted the piece about having the surgery. After all, if everyone ate
exactly the way WLS post-ops eat, no one in the world would ever be obese
or need the surgery, would they?....the problem, as we all know, is not the
losing of the weight, but the maintaining of the loss. After I had lost
approximately 100 lbs., people just stopped asking. They continued to
compliment me and were very happy for me, but the curiosity faded. New
acquaintances just assumed that I had always been a "normal
person". Under the best of circumstances, obesity has a way of
undermining our self-esteem and self-confidence. Now, four years later and
maintaining a 125 lb. weight loss (15 lb. rebound from initial 140 lb.
loss), I have learned to "trust the surgery" and I am a much more
"extroverted" introvert. I have no problem discussing my WLS
with anyone who happens to ask. You are the ONLY one who can decide to
"tell or not to tell". Just remember, this too shall
pass...whether you tell or not, the curiosity about HOW you did it will
fade, and the genuine appreciation and pride that others have for your
achievement of a happier, healthier life will be what remains. Hang in
there....best wishes!
— Diana T.
May 8, 2004
I'm 2 years out. I told my 2 best friends and family - that's it. I'm
afraid of the fact that I might regain. I feel like if I told everyone, my
weight would be looked at under a microscope. Guess I'm just not that
confident.
— jengrz
May 9, 2004
Hmm. My entire family knows, all my god friends, and even some people that
knew me pre-op and asked afterward, as I began losing weight. That being
said, there are definitely people out there (haha, a couple years back
Cosmo called these types of people "Toxic") who I am not
comfortable telling-you know thes kind. They ALWAYS push for more
information, they're very nosy, they gossip, they say inconsiderate
remarks...all that and more, and I don't feel badly not informing them. I
wouldn't tell those sort of people if I had a splinter removed from my
behind, let alone that I had any type of major surgery.
I find now that with as much attention the surgery has been getting because
of people like Carnie, Al, Randy...the celebrity postops-that when people
notice a drastic weight loss in someone, they automatically assume surgery.
In my case, they're right. I didn't think I'd share my choice with ANYONE
prior to surgery and now, like I said, I generally don't care unless a
person makes me uncomfotable.
Your comfort level and mine will not be the same, because we're not the
same person. Not informing people about the surgerydoesn't make you a liar
or dishonest. You have no reason to feel guilty and ashamed: you made a
major change in your life to save yourself from the debilitating effects of
obesity! That should be applauded. If you don't want a whole auditorium's
worth of a standing ovation, that is PERFECTLY fine. You're happy with your
interal pat on the back, and no one has a right to tell you you have to do
otherwise.
People are, unfortunately, people. They will say thoughtless things. You
cannot change that, but you can change how you react to these people.
Really look at yourself in the mirror. You KNOW you don't look anorexic.
You look perfectly lovely. You KNOW you're not a liar; You're a private
person. You KNOW you are beautiful-don't allow other's words to shape your
feelings about who you are. I did that when I was obese and I will never go
back there. I like being happy far too much and when your happiness is
dependant on someone else's opinion, you will always be let down. Good luck
to you!
— jenn_jenn
May 9, 2004
Hi Elizabeth, This is a tough call for anyone who has had wls -- and one
that we all have grappled with at some time or another. I chose not to tell
most people (I told my closest friends and family) prior to surgery. I
think I wanted to keep it close beforehand because I didn't want people
trying to talk me out of it or making comments. I also wanted to be sure I
made it through okay. After I began recovery and started losing, I told
anyone who asked. I found, for me, it was easier to fess up than to try to
keep a secret. As all of us are, I have a very busy life with 3 children
and I didn't want my brain filled up with dumb stuff like trying to keep
track of who I told and who I didn't. Bottom line, for me, is that you
should do what you are comfortable with. People will always make comments.
They'll even talk about you behind your back (I told a woman recently and
she replied that she had heard I had wls. I have no idea where she heard
it.) You'll probably never be able to change that. To the extent that they
"get" to you is within your power. Feel good about yourself and
don't let anyone tell you what's best for you. Only you can do that. Good
luck!
— Kimberly C.
May 9, 2004
well i can relate to you as well i am 4 mos post op but i told my entire
family and all of my friends because i was excited about getting it but my
best best friend who i have known for 21 years have only had negative
things to say about the surgery she teases me all of the time she says
things like you can only eat a grain of rice when she really doesnt know
and i dont find it funny so now i wish that i had of kept the surgery to
myself she is out of state and she always wants to know how much weight i
have lost or what size i wear but i kind of beat around the bush because
after she ask that she will say i hope you dont start looking sick so my
suggestion to you is you can tell but tell those who you know really love
you for you and who will stand by your decision becasue going throught the
new changes is enough we do not need criticism
— JENNIFER S.
May 9, 2004
I am scheduled for surgery in June. I am only including my immediate
family, husband and children. Also, my pcp. I allready know that some
members of my family are against wls and do feel the need to inform them
just so they can be at my back all the time. When it becomes apparent that
I am losing weight I will simply tell them the truth, I am eating less and
exercising more.
— bubbleboo K.
May 9, 2004
About our Journey.
Well to tell or not to tell,I thought about it for a few days after I
started on my Journey last year in August,03.
But after praying about it,I realized that Everyone I knew was going to
know about what I was going to do.
Not because I wanted to be well known for it,or questioned about my
decision,or even teased or scorned,no I decided to tell everyone I knew to
inform.Not everyone has complete knowledge about WLS.And because of this I
decided to refer all those that had Internet access to check out this
site,and for those who didn't I dat down with them and explained it.I
didn't take on this whole notion litely.I know that there are going to be
those who will question,Gossip,and make fun of,but so what!All of us who
are on this Journey are doing this for ourselves,not for someone else.WE
ARE DOING THIS TO LIVE!
I HOPE AND PRAY THAT ANYONE THAT CONSIDERS THIS JOURNEY WORTH GOSSIPING
ABOUT,HAS A CHANCE TO SEE WHAT WE ALL GO THROUGH TO MAKE IT.I MYSELF GIVE
THANKS TO GOD EVERYDAY FOR MY BEING ABLE TO GO THROUGH THIS.
TO ALL WHO ARE BEGINNING AND THOSE WHO HAVE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH
SURGERY,MAY YOUR DAYS BE BLESSED AND MAY THE LORD SURROUND YOU WITH ANGELS
NOW AND FOREVER.
Kathleen Kinsfather
Surgery Date:June 10th,2004
— KatinPBCA
May 9, 2004
I decided to be very honest and open about having wls.There were several
reasons that I decided to do so.I knew people were going to notice the
rapid weightloss and ask me about it.Just seems to be human nature.At
first, I did consider telling people that I was just eating less and
exercising more.Even though that is true, it is not the whole truth because
I tried for years to eat less and exercise more and did not lose weight
because I did not have the tools of the surgery to help me.Lying by
omission is still lying.Also, I am so thankful that someone shared their
wls story with me because that inspired me to look into having it.And since
my surgery, I have also inspired a few people to have wls just by sharing
my experience with them.
— jennifer A.
May 9, 2004
I've been very fortunate. All of the people in my life have been very
supportive. I'm almost a year out, and down 121 lbs. When I first decided
to have WLS I only told my parents, my in laws, my husband and daughter.
Then I told my boss at the job I had at that time. Everyone was wonderful.
Once I got a definate date for surgery I told my sister and brothers.
Again I got so much support about it I was amazed. Then I realized that
the people that love me know that I was doing this to save my life, not
just to look good. (Although that is an added benefit. LOL) People at my
new job ( 4months here) all know about my WLS but it's not part of my
everyday conversation. There is one woman that seems to keep an eye on
what I'm eating and makes little comments about how "she's a lusious
woman" (I.E. overweight) and she's going to eat anything she likes.
She aims the comments at me when there is a Bday cake out for someone. I
just look and smile. She's free to do what she wants. As am I. Every one
at my church comments on how good I look. I am very open and honest with
people about it. If anyone asks, I tell. I answer whatever questions I
can because, I figure I might be able to help someone just as I was helped.
And I never fail to recommend this websight. What it comes down to is
this, YOU do what you feel is best for YOU!! What YOU are comfortable
with. I'm am totally comfortable about talking about my WLS. I'm proud
that I made an effort to improve my life, and it's worked. I wish you lots
of luck and love and prayers to give you the strength to get through each
day. HUGS & KISSES :-)
— KellyJeanB
May 9, 2004
I haven't told any one except for my husband and my children. I come from
a large family. I'm the youngest of 9. My husband is not supportive of me
having this surgery. I am 1000% sure my siblings would feel they need to
offer their opinions which is why I don't plan on telling them. I have a
bad heart and severe arthritis in my knees. I had my right knee replaced
February 2004. The reasons I wanted this surgery is to save my life. I
don't need the crap from other people. It's my body, my decision. I
commend you for standing your ground. When people say something that
offends you - just smile at them. They'll have no idea what's up with you
and they'll look stupid.
— RYMS40
May 9, 2004
I didn't tell the people at work, but I'm pretty sure that they know. In
the beginning people asked me and I said truthfully I've been exercising
more and am on a modified Atkins diet. After a while no one asked anything
and with all the publicity going around about weight loss surgery, I figure
they know or suspect that I had it done. Once when I was traveling with
some of my coworkers, one woman who was drunk came out and asked me,
"Did you get your stomach stapled?" I just simply said yes. I
wasn't going to out and out lie to her. I personally don't care if people
at work know about it, I just don't feel the desire to talk to them about
my medical history. I tell strangers and family members with no problems.
— Lisa N M.
May 9, 2004
I wish I had not told everybody. i am ready to move on and just live my
life and some people just never let it rest. I am tired of being defined by
my weight and apearance and the fact that I had surgery. I just want to be
me not the "person who had weight loss surgery. ' IT IS YOUR CHOICE.
yOUR PERSONAL MEDIACAL HISTORY IS NO ONES BUSINESS unless you choose to
share.
— **willow**
May 9, 2004
It took me four years to make the decision and I told everyone. Its your
own personal decision and you need to go with what works best for you.
Prior to my surgery, I knew a woman through business who had lost well over
100 lbs. Everytime I would see her she would brag and brag how great
Weight Watchers was and if I exercized and joined I too would be
successful. I was very proud of her, but yet inside I felt like I was such
a failure this went on for over a year tried every diet imaginable and
failed. I made my decision to have WS and told everyone and her...she
couldnt understand it at all..such an easy way out! A week later she went
on to another job and while talking to her family and coworkers they
finally let the secret out of the bag....She had had weight loss surgery 1
1/2 years ago at BTC (the same place I was going) and told no one but close
family. She lived on refined sugar and junk food... had terrible labs and
would not go back for nutritional counseling...she wanted a normal life but
refused to exercize and had gained over 15 lbs back. I dont think any of
us will ever be normal...we will always have to watch our diet and exercize
and we will need support. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, I
guess I feel sorry for her more than anything else. Make your own decision
and take care of yourself...there are good people and weird people ...I
guess it comes down to who cares what others think.
— debmi
May 10, 2004
It's a tough decision. I respect whatever choice you make. Personally, I
told and will tell anyone. I don't much stand for ignorance from others,
and have put more than a few 'well meaning' and not so well meaning people
in their place since having surgery. As for having people you might know
that are 'against' WLS, if anyone ever said that to me, they'd be smarting
from the new hole I just ripped for them. That's like telling someone who
had clogged arteries...oh- don't have bypass surgery, that's the easy way
out, just change your diet and take some cholesterol medication...I mean,
come on, get real. AND, if someone asked me if I had "STOMACH
STAPLING"...OMG, they better step back, because they are about to be
educated, not only on their poor manners, but on their obvious ignorance.
I felt the need to be forthright, because I NEVER felt that I had something
to be ashamed about. I took control of my life and make a scary and life
changing decision. Let's see someone else try that on for size and then
belittle my accomplishemnt. SO, I guess I chose the road of the 'battle'
to educate people, rather than keep my struggle in the closet. Again, I
accept whichever road you take and respect you making the decision that's
right for you. I just wanted to throw my two cents in. Good luck to you!
— LMCLILLY
May 10, 2004
The only people I told were my parents and siblings. Nobody else in my
family, co-workers or friends knows that I had WLS. I told everyone I was
having my hyatle hernia repaired. When people ask about my quick weight
loss I tell them my surgeon restricted my diet to very small amounts for
the first 3 months after my surgery and after that I started following a
low fat/carb, high protein diet and exercising 3-5 days a week(All True).
Everybody is very supportive of me and I have not had anyone ask if I had
WLS. It is a very personal decision and I do not plan on sharing it will
anyone else. I have asked my parents and siblings not to tell anyone and
they all support and respect my decision to keep this low key.
— tazfan
May 10, 2004
It is a personal decision whether to tell and whom to tell, whether pre-op
or post-op. From years of reading this same question on the boards and the
many responses, heres what I have learned: if you tell one person at work,
it will get out. The grapevine at most offices is thriving. If you do not
want to share at work, don't share at all. If you tell close friends, you
will soon find out who your friends really are. True friends want the best
for you and while they may be curious and ask alot of questions, they truly
care about you and will not tear you down with negative comments. If they
do, they don't deserve your friendship, and you need to find more
supportive friends to surround yourself with. Unfortunately we can't
choose our family members like we can our friends. But you can be more
honest with your family, and if they give you a hard time,take the time to
educate them. I find that many ignorant comments and beliefs come from the
misinformed and there is still a ton of misinformation about WLS out there,
such as this surgery is the easy way out.Or the news shows and tabloids
that highlight those who have died or failed at WLS. For me, I told my
husband, sister and a few close friends pre-op, and my parents and close
family members when I was post-op. No one at work and thankfully that has
spared me the comments and negativity. I, too, did not want to be known as
"the one who had WLS". I also believe that keeping your personal
life separate from the work environment is more professional. When asked
about my weight loss I did tell the truth. The person who says ommitting
the surgery part is lying is dead wrong. When I say I changed how I eat,
alot less, small frequent meals, mostly protein based, have cut way back on
sugar and carbs, I exercise more and drink tons of water, that IS the
truth. If others could limit their intake to what I eat in a day and
exercise as much as I and others do they too would lose dramatically. Like
Diane mentioned, you are only 8 months out and people are noticing and will
continue to notice your dramatic loss. When you get 2-3-4 years out , and
have been at goal for a long time, the comments stop and you just become
one of the crowd of normies...hang in there, it does get better.
— Cindy R.
May 10, 2004
I want to respond to this comment "The person who says ommitting the
surgery part is lying is dead wrong. When I say I changed how I eat, alot
less, small frequent meals, mostly protein based, have cut way back on
sugar and carbs, I exercise more and drink tons of water, that IS the
truth. If others could limit their intake to what I eat in a day and
exercise as much as I and others do they too would lose dramatically."
Yes but you are forgetting about the malabsorption aspect of the surgery
and the forced behavior modification aspect of the surgery such as dumping
and the limited amount of food that we can eat.For me...I know that those
are the main reasons why I have been so successful in losing
weight.Something I couldn't have done without the surgery.
— jennifer A.
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