Question:
Post Op, At Goal- Question on Dating
Now that I have lost my weight, I've been asked out a lot by men. I never dated before and I'm 30. I know there are men who liked women my size and I was sometimes asked out, but I was just to shy to go. I'm not as shy as I used to and I've been dating lately. I don't know what to do when I find someone I am interested in. They talk about previous relationships while I am just quiet. I just say I don't date much. They always ask why and I usually just say I focused on my schooling and my career. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to say I was over 300 pounds and was shy. I am not going to lie to men about my weight loss and my surgery, but do I have to bring it up on the first or second date? Am I being dishonest by not mentioning I was a former fatty? I worry about that and I worry about the scars from my plastic surgery, the hanging skin that hasn't been removed yet and my stretch marks. I feel like I am hiding all of this and should come out and tell them right away that I might look thin and normal, but I was once fat and my body shows that. The last man I was with talked about not being attracted to heavy women. He didn't say it in a mean way, but he mentioned that if friends of his saw him with her they would laugh at him. I didn't say anything, but I felt phony. Is it wrong not to tell? I mean do I have to spill my guts right away? Please help! — Gay S. (posted on May 1, 2003)
May 1, 2003
This is something I have come across lately as well. There are alot of
issues we have to deal with when dating, and although it may not seem
complicated to some, it sure does to me! lol I'm 23 and 1 year post-op and
am at goal as well. My b/f of 2 1/2 years broke up last year, so I was
losing weight and newly single, a big change. Let me tell you, all of this
attention is unbelieveable- I get asked out so often and comments and
smiles and stares- i feel like a supermodel- it's so strange! lol But,
what do I do on these dates- i always feel like I shoudl
"confess" right away. But I don't. Some of these dates don't make
it to date 2, mostly b/c not worth my time. (I finally have realized that i
don't have to go for the first guy i see!) I would wait till after a few
dates, and then say something about the surgery- if they get scared- did
you really want them anyway? And for the guy who mentioned something about
overweight women- screw him. I personally still do not want to be with
someone like that EVER. A) I still have the fat complex and will always
empathize and B) what happens if I get fat again? And as for not dating
much, just say you're shy and you're more outgoing now, that's all. I
actually have a couple friends who are thin and beautiful but never had a
real boyfriend, why? B/c they're shy. So it's a true excuse! No guy has
ever commented on my scars or stretch marks or extra skin, and have even
been told "it's really more of a problem with you than it is me."
He couldn't have said it better! Goodluck to you! E-mail me anytime
([email protected])
— Lezlie Y.
May 1, 2003
Hi... congrats on all the attention from men. First, let me say that
becoming friends is the first step in establishing trust with someone. If
you're just getting to know each other, it's not their business if you were
formerly "fat" or not. YOU have to find out if THEY are
trustworthy with your feelings. It's not lying, and there is NO shame in
the fact that you use to have a weight problem. Somehow those of us who
are overweight seem to think we are the only one's with "thorns in our
sides" to deal with. EVERYONE has things about themselves they don't
like, but somehow we think we must have a perfect past, present and future
to be accepted. What I am trying to say is... be yourself, become friends
and find out if HE is worth sharing the intimate details of your life. If
he is a true friend, he'll laugh with you and cry with you through the
thick and thin, and you'll know it soon enough, then you can share. Until
then, enjoy the attention because you deserve it. Men who are superfiscial
won't always appreciate or understand the things you've been through...
don't share your pearls with them. By the way, I am still pre-op and my guy
friends tell me they love me no matter what, and call me
"gorgious" even now. God bless you~!
— Happy I.
May 1, 2003
It's Gay the original poster. I just want to clarify that this man that
said that he wasn't attracted to heavy women didn't say it in a mean way.
He kept saying its nothing wrong with that and some men like it, but not
him. I guess I'm saying this because he is the one that I really liked.
We talked for hours and it only seemed like a few minutes.
— Gay S.
May 1, 2003
Hi hon, I am married but can certainly relate to how your feeling however,
i am more outspoken about the whole wls, and I get a super kick telling
people exspcially people who have something to say about "big
people" weather its nice or mean, I tell them just to see the
expression on their face alone is enough to make my day superv...hehe but
you have to follow your heart and if you dont feel comfortable telling
them, then that is your progatory (sp) and you dont have to be ashamed
either way. But I just feel people are going to accept the real me and the
real me was once over weight and now I am thin but I am still me inside and
out...good luck to you hon
— Deanna Wise
May 1, 2003
Hi Gay! Congrats on the weight loss. I have been going through some of
the same things over the past few months. I would suggest that if you
really are interested in this man you give him a chance. As the other
poster said, get to know him and allow him to get to know you. I
understand that this is a major part of your history but I don't think you
are obligated to tell him in the beginning. I'm certain that you have
plenty of other things you can discuss with him about you. Once the
relationship reaches a certain point (you are the only one who will know
when it's right) I would tell him the "story." If he doesn't
react appropriately then you will have a decision to make. Until then,
don't worry about it and try to enjoy having someone to spend time with.
Good Luck!
— Chloe S.
May 2, 2003
Hi Gay. My one and only thought when I read your post is that it is so sad
that you are ashamed of who you were - and thus who you are. My suggestion
is that you seek therapy so that you can learn to love yourself and realize
that what other people say/do/think does not really matter. Most of the
time what people say/think/do is more about them than you! I hope you get
to a place where you can love the girl who was over 300 pounds (and she
deserves to be loved) and that you can learn to talk about her with
affection. I also hope for you that you can integrate that into your life
now. There is ABSOLUTELY no reason to be ashamed!!!
— MissKimberly
May 2, 2003
Gay, you do not have to spill your guts right away to anyone. When, or if,
you decide to do so is your decision and please do not feel pressured to do
so, or guilty for not doing so right away. Personally, I would not share
this info until I felt confident that our relationship was solid and I
could trust him with this information. That usually takes time. And there
is nothing wrong with saying that you have not dated much because you were
concentrating on school, career or because you are shy. Just say you
haven't found the right person yet, which is the truth. As for not being
attracted to heavy women, he is being honest. Thats not something that can
be forced, you either are or you aren't. There are many men who are, and
those who are just not. However, there is a difference between not being
attracted to heavy women and friends making fun of him for being with one.
That is cruel and your friend should recognize and acknowledge this. I
would have said something to him when he made that comment about his
friends about their being cruel if they did so just to hear how he would
have responded.
— Cindy R.
May 2, 2003
Gay, I would say that you're certainly not obligated to divulge your entire
life story on the first or second date. There's a big difference between
being dishonest and saving some facts for a later date:) As for the guy who
happened to mention that he wasn't attracted to heavy women, my comment
would be this...there's nothing wrong for him to state that he's not
attracted to heavy women-that's not an insult. We all have our own
particular tastes. Of course, if it's more than that and he's disrespectful
and contemptuous to them, that's another matter. But the statement that
really raised a flag in my mind was the comment that he'd be laughed at by
his friends for being with one. If he's going to base his choice of
companions on whether or not his friends are going to laugh at him, then he
has a lot of growing up to do, IMHO. Something to think about.
Rob
— Rob P.
May 2, 2003
— aprilbaree
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