Question:
How do you handle jealousy?
I deliberately did not tell anyone I was having this surgery prior to having it because I did not want to the hear the "horror stories." Now that I've lost the weight and everyone knows, my aunt is constantly calling my mother telling her about the people she know who ended up dying after having the surgery. She's said she knows 10 people. I told my mother I'm in a webgroup with hundreds of people who have had the surgery and I don't know about many of them dying off. Yes, it happens, but to me her personally knowing 10 people seems unbelievable. She is scaring my mother and I want to call her and tell her to shut up, but my mother raised me to respect my elders and I feel I can't get involved with the two sisters. It just seems like everytime she calls its a new kind of horror story. She also talks about all the people she knew that regained their weight and are bigger then ever. She is a larger woman herself, I'm wondering if it could just be jealousy. Why can't people who claim they love you, just be happy for you? — Lisa N M. (posted on March 18, 2004)
March 18, 2004
Boy that sounds like my mother-inlaw. She was totally against my surgery.
I told everyone I am adult if you can't support my decision then keep your
negative comments to yourself. Now that I am 17 months postop and have
lost 150 lbs. my mother-inlaw has done a 360. She brags to everyone about
how well I have done. She told my husband last week that she was against
my surgery, but seeing me now and knowing how much healthier and happier I
am she had totally changed her feelings towards wls.<p>
You have to remember every surgery has risks. I think my doctor said about
1 % of patients die from this surgery, but it is usually a reaction to the
anestesia (spelling). I figured if I didn't have this surgery I was going
to die soon anyway, so I wrote letters to my loved ones only to be opened
if something went wrong. After I came home I shredded those
letters.<p>
Try to keep your spirits up and remember it is your decision.
— ckreh
March 18, 2004
You had your surgery about a year ago, right? So the chances of your dying
because of the procedure, certainly slim to begin with, are virtually gone
now! I think you can safely tell your mother not to worry. As for your
aunt's motivation, I'll bet you've hit the nail on the head. Whether she'd
ever admit it to herself or not, she likely is jealous. It's probably not
worth confronting your aunt, but if you can tactfully try to educate your
mother then hopefully some better information can get back to your aunt.
You can truthfully tell your mother that yes, regain can be a struggle for
many people but that on average this is the weight loss tool with far and
away the best results of anything that science has yet come up with. It's
relatively rare for people to gain back ALL their weight, and statistics
show that most people lose and keep off 50-75% of their excess weight,
enough to vastly improve their health. When your mother passes these
stories to you, try just chuckling and telling your mother that her sister
is misinformed. Surely your mother appreciates YOUR success!
— Celia A.
March 18, 2004
The next time she does this tell her "now you can say you know someone
who didn't die!"
— Deborah S.
March 18, 2004
Just tell your mother that you do not want to hear her sister's horror
stories and that she should tell her sister the same thing. You are a
living example that the surgery works. The only way to prove to them that
you are not going to gain your weight back is time. And if you are
referring to obesityhelp.com as the webgroup your in, its thousands and not
hundreds.. that ought to be proof enough!
— Cindy R.
March 18, 2004
When I posted this, I was pissed now after reading the posts I'm smiling!
Deborah saying now she knows someone that didn't die made me burst out into
laughter. Also, thanks for the correction Cyndi. I'm in a group with
thousands of people who have had the surgery and survived! Thousands of
great, terrific people! I wish the best for everyone here!
— Lisa N M.
March 19, 2004
Do reassure your mother that there are thousands and thousands of us who
have had the surgery and are doing fantastic. I am down 150 lbs! Your
Aunt may be jealous, or just so bored in life that she ahs nothing else to
do than make this her business. No neeed to disrespect hte elders, but do
make sure that your mother knows that the facts are that most of us post
ops are all doing quite well. And love and support from our loved ones
only helps!!
— Jenny_B
March 19, 2004
I'm both a little ticked and amused here. Allow me to ramble...I had some
of the same issues with some people in the family. I let them talk me out
of this at first. First off, I'd be up front and tell both of them that the
statistics she's spouting are highly unlikely, given the AMA
literature.:)Unless she happens to be a nurse in a godawfully bad bariatric
surgery clinic, it's unlikely she even knows that many people who might be
candidates for surgery! Secondly, ask her up front, again in front of
mother, what she's hoping to achieve by spouting off all this baloney at
this point? Your surgery is said and done, the decision made by you based
on all available information (not counting your aunt's supposed 10
unfortunate friends.) Terrorizing your mother with tales of torture and
agony really don't help. You haven't died yet, and you're not likely to.
And her tales certainly can't prevent anything that might happen to you in
the future. And would she really be more pleased if you did just plotz,
gripping your stomach and cursing your surgeon? I know it sounds funny, but
seriously, bring her motives here into question in front of your mother.
The problem isn't just the aunt, it's the mom letting the aunt get to her.
And if you can't get through to auntie, or at least embarrass her into
leaving off the subject, at least mom might get a glimmer of enlightenment.
Sounds like your aunt is either desperate for attention and none too
squeamish about how she gets it, or indeed quite jealous. There is also the
fact that 10 or 20 years ago, this surgery was actually considered a lot
more dangerous than it is in reality now. A lot of people have some hosed
up perceptions of it. Invite your aunt to get up to date. I had
"respecting my elders" issues too, but after letting them talk me
out of it once, I decided they really didn't have my best interests in
mind. They had been more concerned with keeping me in line and doing what
THEY wanted than in facing the reality of my pain and suffering. What ever
happened to respecting YOU? Telling the truth and defending yourself (and
your mom!) is NOT getting inbetween the two sisters. It's getting her out
from between you and your own mother.
— christied
March 19, 2004
I think alot of us have a friend or family member who reacts like your
aunt, I know I have a few and even over a year out still run at the mouth.
I just simply say "I'm still here and I'm doing alot better than
before" and then I ignore the situation and thats if I even listen to
them to begin with. They don't listen to what I tell them b/c they know it
all and have been through it ya know, lol ya right!. We all made the
decision that was best for us and who cares what anyone else thinks!!!! We
still love them though :o)
— Sandy M.
March 19, 2004
I loved all these answers! I recently had a minor (non-WLS) surgery. The
two day RN's were fascinated by the whole thing and trying to drag every
tiny detail out of me while I was still gaga. I was as amused as I could be
on drugs. lol. The night nurse came in and said,"Oh, gastric bypass.
I had a friend who had that and died. I have a relative who's really sick
who had it." Too bad the drugs had worn off! So, what was she saying
to me? I should go back to 1994 and die of the other things that were going
wrong in my body? Or take my chances with this surgery? Or that I was going
to die of having my bladder repaired BECAUSE I am gastric bypass? I DO know
10 or more people who have died who've had one of our surgeries. But I am
involved in WLS 24/7 and have been since 1994. Any death is tragic! We
lost one to emphysema, one to blood clot, one in a car accident........ not
all are related to WLS. I will die eventually, too. There will be those who
blame it on my WLS, regardless of the cause. My mom is gone now, but if
her friends told her I was doomed, she never shared it with me. I feel bad
for your mom here, thinking that maybe her baby has wheels in motion that
will crush her life. But I'm with whoever said that it's pretty close to
impossible for someone outside this field to personally know 10 people who
died as a direct result. In any case, YOU are not one of them.
— vitalady
March 19, 2004
I think if you had an ingrown teonail someone would try to blame it on the
WLS. I wish I had a $ for everytime I have heard "I know someone who
had that and they died. " Or a nurse who said she was wary because
"of all the people we see back with complications" Funny - they
work in a peds department. I am sure most surgeons put their complicated
gastric bypass patients in peds. My response is " if you work in a
hospital setting you will only see patients back who have complications.
the rest are out there getting thin and living their lives, not coming in
to see you. I know, I can be b*tchy.
— **willow**
March 20, 2004
just laugh it off. how does she know THAT many people who had wls??? hahaha
i mean i could understand if she were a baratric nurse or something. does
she hunt down people who have had wls and died? or is she just hearing
stories from other people who have heard stories that aren't even near the
truth? you know i heard from a-friend-of-a-friend's-cousin's-sister's-aunt
that dies of wls hahahahhahahahaha if it really bothers you ask her for
facts! but ask her infront of other people....mainly your mom. i'm from the
south and i was also taught to respect your elders. i know it can be very
hard because she is your aunt but you are an adult now and shouldn't be
treated this rudely.
— franbvan
March 20, 2004
Just for grins -- "willow" spoke of "a nurse who said she
was wary because 'of all the people we see back with complications' Funny -
they work in a peds department. I am sure most surgeons put their
complicated gastric bypass patients in peds." When I was about one
year out I was hospitalized for emergency gall bladder removal -- the only
bed the hospital had for me was in the pediatric ward. They all were so
nice to me and the nurse who re-inserted my IV put a big sticker of Tweety
on my johnny because I was so good and didn't cry! So some ped nurses see
bariatric patients -- big grin -- I find this funny. Nina in Maine
— [Deactivated Member]
March 21, 2004
That fat girl DID die. You aren't her anymore. If Aunt Nosey says she
knows people who died, ask for names, you'd like to "read" about
them. Oh, what Aunty? You don't actually KNOW them? Color me surprised.
— Goldilauxx B.
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