Question:
Can very happy marriages fail after WLS?
I am really agonizing over this. The tears are flowing as I type. I've been haviing alot of trouble with my husband ever since my surgery, despite us being married VERY VERY HAPPILY for almost 12 yrs. now. I checked the database and found that 45-50% of marriages (that were previously rocky) failed after WLS. But what about marriages that were practically perfect? Can they fail after WLS too? Some background: When I was looking into WLS, my husband was totally against it. He thought it was too risky and he didn't want me to die. But upon more research on his part, his views changed and he became my biggest supporter. So, I went into my open distal RNY on 5/21/01 with him by my side. But now that I'm post-op, I have had to endure his CONSTANT policing of my diet, and whether I took my medicines or vitamins. What, does he think I'm a stupid bimbo that went into this surgery and doesn't know what is required afterwards? I try to assure him that I know perfectly well what & how much I can/can't eat. I understand the need for my medicines & vitamins and I am taking them. But he's relentless, constantly asking and probing, checking over my plate and calling me all the time on his cell phone, checking on me. We've been fighting alot which upsets my stomach, making it feel acidy. He is driving me insane. I don't know how much more I can take, but I CAN'T just leave him. I know he's crazy about me and it would kill him if I left him. I still love him even though he can be so pig-headed. Another thing is that he is morbidly obese being close to 400 lbs. He has sleep apnea and poor circulation in his legs (with a stasis dermatitis spot on his left leg). He's in total denial. He says that he'll NEVER go as far as surgery; that he'll loose weight in his "own way". His "own way" is obviously not working; he doesn't even make an effort. And I have to worry that one day soon he's just going to drop dead from a heart attack or stroke. So I have a problem with him policing my diet while he's stuffing his face with a super size Big Mac value meal (while I'm drooling). This is not just an example; this is what he's really doing. How do I get him to get off my back and to understand that I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO in my new post-op lifestyle?! And that I AM taking my meds & vits. and that I'm eating what I'm supposed to? Or is this marriage down the drain after 12 happy years? — lalasmommy (posted on June 11, 2001)
June 11, 2001
Seek marital counseling. Sounds like there are several issues that need to
be addressed on both yours and his part. You have issues with his (what
you perceive to be) lack of control over his obesity, and he has issues
with your newfound control over your own life. If he won't go to
counseling, go on your own. Sometimes we need counseling because we teach
people how to treat us by how we react to what they do. Good luck. It is
always worth a shot.
— Kimberly L.
June 11, 2001
Take a minute and breathe. You're still so fresh post op that you've
barely gotten the effects of the surgerical and post op drugs out of your
system. Your emotionals are going to be all over the place right now. Now
is NOT the time to make, or even contemplate, big changes like leaving your
spouse. My best guess right now is that your husband is still frightened.
He's afraid of your health deteriorating. He's probably afraid of the
possibility of your success as well. This is making HIS OWN issues come to
the surface and he's trying to avoid dealing with them. If your surgery
succeeds, he will have to rationalize why HE doesn't do it. If it
succeeds, he may be worried whether you will stay with him if he doesn't
lose weight also. I would image that he is a bundle of conflicting
emotions right now also. It would be good if the two of you could sit down
and talk about the fears and concerns you each have. Also, it is okay for
you to request / demand that foods that give you trouble be banned from the
house. There is NO REASON he needs to eat a Big Mac in front of you. I
told my husband I cannot stand to have donuts in the house.. they just kill
me! The rule in our house now is that when hubby and son want donuts, they
go out to the bakery and sit there and eat them. NO DONUTS are allowed to
enter my house. Even the paper sack must be thrown away in the garage
instead of the house if they bring that back with them. Hang in there.
And get counseling if things don't settle in for the two of you soon. Good
marriages can survive this. Good marriages always have bumps in the road.
You're just in some turbulence right now. Take care.
— BethVBG
June 12, 2001
I have to agree with what Beth posted. You are very fresh out of surgery,
an emotional and difficult time no matter what kind of surgery you may have
had. Your hubby probably thinks in his mind that he is "taking
care" of you by reminding and policing you. You feel overwhelmed. My
husband wouldn't let me pick up hardly a thing, not even a milk carton, it
drove me up the wall, but he was trying to help. As your life goes back to
normal in the next 2-3 weeks (I felt bunches better at about 6 weeks) and
you resume work, hobbies, etc. he won't see so omnipresent. He indeed may
be gauging your recovery with his own future surgery (though he does not
plan it). If you have a great time and are very successful with your WLS,
chances are he will follow. In the meantime, try to get him to have
healthful habits with you, walking, going to the pool, farmers market, etc.
You will feel better and less overwhelmed soon, I am sure. Post op
depression is very common, often from the pain killers and anesthesia,
which are depressants, so keep that in mind for yourself, too.
— M. A. B.
June 12, 2001
Call it LOVE. Call it CONCERN. Call it FEAR. My wife just had this
surgery the 8th of June. I am constantly telling her to take another sip
of water. I know that you must get your liquids in. She is doing just
fine on her Bugs Bunny sugar free vitamins and tums with extra calcium.
But she never has drank a lot of water and it is important. She is like a
trooper and bearing with me. Just figure with time as he sees all is well
that he will back off a little. We have been very happily married for 33
years and I don't want to lose her. Hang in there with your man. He will
come around. P.S. Hopefully I will also be having the surgery in the near
future. Best regards. David..............
— David R. R.
August 7, 2001
I'm about 2 months pre-op, and I'm concerned about my husband's attitude,
too. He's been my Food Police for the 20 years of our marriage, and I see
no reason for that to change. I know he's worried, so I guess I'll just
have to deal with it. <p>When I first started researching my surgery
(a year ago), he downloaded a post-op RNY diet and insisted I start
following it immediately. I got him off my back and he agreed to wait
until we saw the surgeon. Now that I'm supposed to lose as much as
possible pre-op, he's back on my case, which of course makes me want to eat
more. I just ignore him and do the best I can.
— MaryM.
August 7, 2001
Alexandra, I sort of got off-track with my first post. The most important
thing for you to do right now is worry about you! It's called
"looking out for number one". For now, you MUST concentrate on
getting yourself better and healthy and, chances are, when he sees how well
you're doing, he'll come around. <br>He's obviously in some pain
himself -- it's tougher for men to admit that they can't lick this problem
without some help. Just take care of youself, and when you're up to it,
some counseling for the two of you would probably be a good idea. If your
husband won't go, than go by yourself. Maybe you could talk to your
regular doc about it (with your husband present) and see what he/she
suggests. <P>Just hang in there, and remember that all of us here are
in your corner.
— MaryM.
August 10, 2001
Alexandra, I wouldn't be suprised if your husband joined you in getting
gastric bypass surgery within the next 12 months.
My wife had RNY surgery 8 months ago and I just had the same surgery 3
weeks ago so I feel that I can comment from perosnal experience from both
sides of the coin. Anything as major as surgery is bound to be a stressor
to a marriage. Obviously, the stronger a marriage is the more likely that
it will survive the life changing impact of WLS. Forget the 40-50% divorce
rate statistics. You and your marriage are more than just a statistic.
If you read between the lines of your husband's behavior, it seems to me
that he is expressing his fear, love, and concern for you. Fear for your
health...fear of losing you...fear that you may leave him after your weight
loss. Just as you have embarked upon a life changing course, he too will
be affected by your transformation. Eventhough the most dramatic changes
will be occuring with your weight and body, the most significant changes
will occur inter and intra-personally - in how you think and feel about
yourself and how you relate to those around you.
Men especially are socialized to be independent and self sufficient.
"Help? I don't need any help." "I can do it myself."
"We don't need to ask for directions. I know exactly where we
are." "All I need to lose the weight is a little will
power." True, it may be denial but he will have to reach his own
conclusions in his own time. As he sees the pound falling off of you and
your new zest for life his pre-conceived biases against WLS will also
likely fall by the wayside. Don't nag or lecture him, lead by your
example. Unless he is totally obstinent, he will get on board and join you
on your journey of weigh loss and self discovery.
"Dear, what's the telephone number of that doctor..."
— Rob A.
August 11, 2001
Alexandra, I can relate to your dilemma. I have been happily married for
26 years. When I first approached my husband about my decision to have
WLS, he was supportive. I explained to him, that I felt terrible and was
in pain all the time, and I had researched extensively and it was the only
alternative that offered any hope of long term success in weight loss.
However, in just a few days the insecurities began to surface. He told me
that he "dreamed" that I got skinny and left him. His fears were
on two levels ..... 1 - that I would die from surgery or complications and
leave him OR that I would lose the weight and leave him for another man.
At first this hurt me badly .... after all, fat or thin or in-between I am
still the same person ... right? I felt like he thought that as soon as I
lost enough weight for other men to start to pay attention to me, I would
turn into some sort of "loose woman" ... and frankly ... I was
very insulted. I finally realized that it was totally his fears and
insecurities that he was struggling with and had little to do with me
"changing" after WLS. Some wise person posted on this site that
those of us who have WLS make a conscious, informed decision to do so.
However, our loved ones are pulled along on the journey with us .... but
usually didn't have much, if any input on the decision. So maybe we need
to give our SOs a little extra TLC during the rapid physical and emotional
changes that we experience in those first post op months. We know that we
need support, but our loved ones need support too ... and that is easy to
forget. Once I understood this, I tried to give my husband extra attention
and reassurance that no matter what .... he was still my one and only. If
you have been happily married for 12 years .... you know what makes your
husband feel loved and appreciated. Whatever it is ... give him lots of
it. Regarding the "food police" issues .... my husband also did
this to a lesser degree ... but it still drove me nuts. He was constantly
reminding me to chew or not to eat too much, etc. I really think that this
was his way of taking care of me .... he didn't want me to throw up or have
to lie down all afternoon because of a dumping episode. If you can grit
your teeth and just let him "take care of you" in this way, try
it. That's what I did .... I am almost 9 months post op now, and he has
mostly stopped. I think he is secure now that I am going to be just fine.
If it still drives you nuts, maybe there is some part of your recovery or
routine that you can put him "in charge" of ... I don't know ....
exercise? maybe you can get one of those weekly pill boxes and put him in
charge of sorting out your vitamins and meds or something. My husband does
most of the cooking at our house, so he was in charge of feeding me. He
put the portions on my plate and served it to me. Also, he fixed my
protein shakes for me (he is a wizard at "doctoring" it up to
taste good). Personally, I like being "spoiled" in this manner
.... it's not that I can't do these things for myself ... but I love that
he does them for me. Regarding his issues with his own morbid obesity ...
in my humble opinion, he needs to wrestle through this one on his own. Be
there to support him and help him with whatever he decides, but if and when
he makes the decision to have WLS, it needs to be totally his own decision.
My husband and son are both MO and suffer from the usual health and
quality of life degradation that accompanies it. In my enthusiam for my
weight loss and how much better I felt physcially, it was sooooo hard for
me not to "preach" to either one of them. I feel very strongly,
though that each of us needs to be totally mentally ready for this huge,
life changing surgery and we must make the decision for ourselves .... not
for anyone else (not even those we love the most). So, I just "bit my
tongue" and loved them both as much as I could. This wasn't difficult
as they are both great guys :-). I am delighted to report that they have
both decided (on their own) that they want WLS. They both received
insurance approval last week and my son is scheduled for open RNY on Sep
20th and DH is scheduled on Sep 21st. I hope this is helpful to you.
Bottom line .... a happy marriage of 12 years is worth fighting for .... do
whatever you can and whatever works for you and your hubby to work through
these issues. Seek counseling together if he is willing .... if not ....
consider going by yourself. I don't usually post anonymously, but this is
pretty personal stuff .... not just for me, but for my entire family. I
hope you understand. Good luck and God bless you.
— [Anonymous]
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