Question:
How do I deal with sexual attention? I've never had it.
My entire life, I've been heavy. I never went out on a date or had any "normal" boyfriend/girlfriend relationships growing up. I met my husband non-traditionally, so we didn't actually meet until we had talked for months over the phone. We have been married for 5 years now and love each other so much. Problem is, now that I'm losing weight, I'm noticing that I'm more aware of my sexuality than ever before. I notice men looking at me and noticing my new body. I have never had to deal with this unwanted attention before. Any ideas on adjusting to the new pressures? I don't want to have my marriage break up like so many do after one person has surgery. — [Anonymous] (posted on August 30, 2001)
August 30, 2001
let me tell you, be careful/ i had a stomach stapling in 1984, and i went
through exactly what you are going through/ i had a great marriage and
still due, THANK GOD/ but it was so ruff for me/ i wasn't used to the
attention and i was very dumb about it/ just be careful and remember that
you really are still the same person inside/ i am having a revision to an
rny in november and i am looking forward to really enjoying it this time/
my husband and i weathered the storm and are stronger than ever, but if i
can help someone along the way, hold on the what you have and don't let
anyone or anything come between you/ just remember he loved you before, let
him enjoy you now/ it is really good that you are looking ahead to combat
any problems, but just remember that most of those marriages that did not
make it had problems in the beginning, and somethimes making a big change
like losing weight just gives the person the courage to do something about
it/ just think of it as an adventure together and enjoy it!!!!!
— [Anonymous]
August 30, 2001
Thanks to those who have responded to my question. Regarding Anonymous's
quip asking if my marriage was stronger when other men didn't look at me,
I'd actually have to say yes. Because no one else showed interest in me, I
really valued my husband's attention and felt lucky that he loved me so
much. Now, because I'm receiving this kind of attention from other men as
well, it makes me value my husband's doting nature less, because I realize
that men usually treat thin women that way. I just thought my husband was
super-special because he treated a fat woman that way.
— [Anonymous]
August 30, 2001
Sweetie, your hubby treats you good big or small because he LOVES you --
these other guys just see another quick roll in the hay. Keep your
thoughts on the real thing and enjoy what you have at home. You are
blessed!
— [Anonymous]
August 30, 2001
This sounds so like me. I met my current boyfriend non-traditionally too.
Over the internet. And after a year of talking, we finally met and are
going to start getting together on the weekends. It's funny because being
heavy all my life has left me incredibly SLOW. What I mean is, I'm 26 and
never been kissed. Now the opportunity is arising, and I'm scared to
death. I'm only in the middle of my weight loss, and I know that that is
not an issue for him at all, but I never told him that I've never kissed
someone, or danced with someone, or all the little important things. He
know's I'm a virgin, and that's okay. But I'm so afraid that he'll be able
to tell from our first kiss that I don't have any idea what I'm doing. I'm
also afraid that the new attention from guys is going to hurt our
relationship. My guy is a little on the heavy side himself. And I love
him because he has loved me. But as I get smaller (and he doesn't) am I
going to want to search for greener grass? I know this is so wrong....but
we don't have those memories from when we were "young" and
playing the field. Maybe I want some of those. Well....maybe it's
different for me, because I'm not married yet, but believe me I understand
your dilemma. Best of luck. It sounds like your hubby loves you though,
and as the other poster said, let him reap the rewards now too. :)
— [Anonymous]
August 31, 2001
Geeeezzzz . . . every single response (and question for that matter) is
ANON!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna be bold and put in my two "autographed"
cents worth. . .LOL!
For both the question poster and the 26 yr old who's never been kissed. . .
I have been on the heavy side most of my life but I was in the
"acceptable" range for a few years before getting married. . . so
I CAN relate to how "different" I often behave now as a MO person
compared to how I was when I was "average." I am three mos post
op and I KNOW that I will start behaving differently in many aspects of my
life. . . I'll make eye contact again more readily, dress differently, DO
different things, participate in life more, GO many more places,enjoy
things more etc etc. . .this doesn't mean that I'm a shallow person because
I "change" somewhat as I lose this weight. I DO feel like I will
be UNCOVERING the person that I truly am as this weight comes off. . . I
will be different on the outside, what's wrong with that effecting a change
on the inside?? The only constant is CHANGE, don't fear it, embrace it!
Geez, if we didn't do this expecting a drastic change, why do it at all??
Does one really want to stay the person we are as MO?? We're gonna be
happier, healthier, more vibrant, more self-confident, more in control,
more responsable for our lives, how can we deny the change that WILL come?
One thing to realize is that our "significant others" will have
to deal with the changes this will create in us. We will NOT be the same
person in many respects, but you shouldn't get into a relationship hoping
everything always stays the same, it should be entered into for its
opportunity to provide us with growth, BOTH of us with growth. And
sometimes we grow in different directions, sometimes people are reluctant
to change, to embrace change in others, etc. . . should you keep yourself
stagnant to "not rock the boat" for the other person? Is that
really doing the BEST thing for yourself? I think the key is while we are
losing this weight, to really begin to listen to our hearts, listen to that
little voice inside. Don't make ANY commitments until we start uncovering
our authentic selves, and THEN, do NOT be ashamed of whatever we become!
When you perform the highest good for yourself, (aka: be
"selfish") you create the highest good for another. . .we just
don't always see it that way at the time. Be TRUE to YOURSELF. We are
looking in the mirror at ourselves right now saying: "This is NOT
me!!!!!" Damn straight, so I do disservice to myself and to others,
by NOT reaching my full potential and becoming who I really am under all
this weight. Face facts, you may want different things later on, (this
happens even if you're not MO too!!) Don't make promises you don't know if
you (or the NEW you) can keep! If you get in a relationship and realize one
day that you are no longer on the same wavelength, on different paths, just
don't feel the same. . but you stick it out, rewarding him for loving the
MO person you were. . .you may think you are being noble and loving. . .but
we need to show love to ourselves first. You may think this cruel but
isn't it more cruel if/when he realizes that you've been staying in the
relationship out of "guilt" or "pity" or worse,
responsability?? Is it fair to him to be giving love and not get it back?
Relax, enjoy this great ride to "normalcy" and self discovery. .
. and always do what is BEST FOR YOU!!! Many Blessings,
— ChristiMNB
August 31, 2001
I think that you should listen to the last post. Follow your heart. On the
girl that has never been kissed, do not worry about it. It wasnt that long
ago that I received my first kiss. I found out that I hyped it up way to
much. Just know when it happens you will know what to do no matter how much
you dont think you do. Just let him lead you. Best wishes.
— Michelle Y.
September 1, 2001
I am now almost 6 months post op I feel my marriage is stronger than it
ever was. My sex life sure has improved as my husband watches the changes
in me he can't keep his hands off of me. I had a lot of self pity which
constantly caused squeaks in our marriage. Sure I look at other men but you
know what there is only one husband. I met my husband 5 years ago over the
internet. I had very little involvement with men at that point. I had no
sexual relations until 25 and that is exactly what the relationship was ...
sex. I never had a boyfriend. My husband is my man of my dreams and I
wouldn't trade him in for anyone.. would only like to get him more
motivated to clean house!!!!
— Dawn H.
August 21, 2002
More of a comment than an "answer". I am two days shy of being
one year post op. I am down 80 pounds. I get SO MUCH attention from males
now it isnt even "fun" anymore. Its a little creepy! I keep
telling myself to just roll with it..and that many many thin women have had
to deal with this constantly and it is no big deal to them. I am NOT used
to having my BODY 'looked over'. I just dont know how to ACT., I dont flirt
back and I dont want to seem like an uptight prude either. I just cant
stand that I worked so hard to lose this weight and I am viewed as just
another sexual commodity in the meat market of the world! And..I am still
40 pounds from goal, to boot! I hate to say it but it makes me nervous and
hesitant to go on to lose ALL of the weight. I still feel like I need to
hide behind a certain amount of chubbbiness./ I am married, and my husband
seems very annoyed and threatened now with how I look.I weigh less than him
now by over 20 pounds! This had never been the case before! Lisa in NY
— Lisa G.
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