Do You Find The People Seem To Ignore Your Weight Loss?

Hi everyone,

I didn't bring my scales to the cottage, but when I was weighed almost 5 month post-op (at my 3 month follow up - ha ha), I'd lost 69 lbs since the surgery, and 95 lbs since I was referred to the program - so, about 16 lbs on Opti and about 15 lbs through exercise, and improving my diet pre-op.

I have noticed that people seem to say absolutely nothing about my weight loss, even those who know I had surgery.  This is quite disappointing for me.

I think many people don't want to say that I look a lot thinner lest I take offense and assume they considered me a fat pig before I lost any weight - but if I didn't know I was morbidly obese and felt out of options, I would not have had the operation!

Also, my best friend basically says nothing to me about it.  She was definitely a candidate for WLS before and I think she has gained weight through stressful situations over the last year.  It's very noticeable, and she has a range of pretty severe adverse health affects stemming from her weight.  Before I had my operation, I was discussing it with her and she said that she 'could never have that done', 'I like cooking too much'.  I feel so sad for her - she could be living a new life now if she had WLS.  I guess this is a two question post: how do you manage your frustration when someone with a BMI of nearly 50 won't consider surgery?  I never actually mentioned her having it, certainly never did I suggest she have it, she just told me that while it may be for you, it's not for me, but her body is starting to fall apart from her joints to her liver, and she's not even 40.

Jenn.  :)

Unfortunately you can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink. I think all you can do is be supportive. She may see how well you do and how you have become more active and decide for herself to do something about her weight. Perhaps share recipes with her so she sees you can still cook and enjoy food just not as much.

Unfortunately, the old adage about leading a horse to water is true.   I think I am supportive and sympathetic about her problems.  When her liver enzymes were sky high (and before she found out it was non-alcoholic fatty liver disease and not something 'worse'), I offered to donate a portion of my liver to her, if it became necessary and if her own brother wasn't a better match (or wouldn't offer).

The real irony is that before the surgery, I didn't cook that much, I ate more dinners out, had junk food for snacks or in place of breakfast & lunch... now, I have many post bariatric surgery cookbooks and kitchen utensils I didn't even know existed.  But, I think she can't get past not coating everything in tons of oil, etc. to cook.

Jenn.  :)

Hi Jenn,

I'm sure that there have been a lot of people notice your weight loss.  But most are probably afraid to comment, as they are afraid that the reason is that you became sick (no one likes to talk about things like cancer, etc that eat away at our health).

As for your friend, she may not mention your weight loss as it's a reminder of her weight.  All you can do is live your new life, and show her it can be done.  You can't force her into going for WLS, and if someone did force her, she wouldn't do well on the program.  Then resent the surgery and say "I told you so".  When she is ready, be there for her, help her through it.  When she is ready, the program will work.  I know for me before surgery, I could admit that I was obese, but it hurt a lot when people kept telling me I should be going on a diet.  Like I haven't been trying to lose weight, though dieting and everything else.

What I would suggest, is that you tell her that you understand that she doesn't feel that the program is right for her right now, but maybe someday.  But if she has any questions, that you would be glad to talk to her about it, when she was ready.  And that if she does chose to do a program (whether surgery, WW, Herbal Magic etc), that you'll support her choice and help her with it.  If she is ever ready to talk about the programs, take her to a support group meeting.  It's easier to do when you don't feel like you are alone.

Cathy

I never even considered that people might think I'm sick - but I have told many people that I've had the surgery.

I am sure that it's very painful for my friend to see me losing weight apparently, 'effortlessly', while she gains weight.  I would never actually mention WLS to someone because I remember how horrible it was when people said that I should lose weight and how my Grandma was continually praying for any weight loss and giving me clippings about crazy fad-type diets and about phony weight loss pills, and telling me how someone's younger relative had miraculous success with Dr. Bernstein, etc.

If she ever considers it, I'll be her guide and support her though.  I know you need 110% certainty and 110% determination to change an awful lot of your life and you can't be forced into it.

Jenn.  :)

Catw has a great approach!      There is a lady that I work with that is very overweight, has type 2 diabetes, knee and feet issues and is always remarking about it.      She knows I had the surgery and has inquired about it. I have given her the highlights but left it in her hands that if she wants more detailed information that all she has to do is ask.   She wants to try "doing it on her own" again.     People have to entertain this when they are ready.  She  does however continue to compliment me on my improved health and looks so I know she knows it is an option to explore if and when she is ready.

As for people not saying anything....  I have had situations where people have only recently come up to me (and I have lost 114 lbs now) and said they had noticed but didn't want to say anything in case I was ill with cancer or something.  Now that would be people who didn't know I had surgery.

Then there are others who know I had surgery and don't say anything but now that I think about it.... it is the men that I work with. I think guys always feel like "damned if I do, damned if I don't" but decide to go the safe route and say nothing.    There is no way you can't notice that I haven't lost weight.       There are a few women that haven't said anything but quite frankly - doesn't bother me at all as at the end of the day, their opinion (good or bad) doesn't hold much weight (sorry about the pun) in my day to day happiness.

I do hear from plenty of people - friends, family, co-workers - who do provide positive comments and that's good enough for me.  

Trust me... there are those who are simply watching and waiting before they say anything.    Some are watching in envy for the courage to go this route and some are simply watching and waiting for "something bad" to happen and then they can say "you never should have had it". 

Takes all kinds of people to make up this world -- decide whose opinion in truly important in your life and value that.  Others -- don't worry about it.

Dar Mab, you are right on in your observations.  One man I know hasn't even noticed that I've lost any significant amount of weight - he said he was on a diet and had lost weight, was I - and how much had I lost?  I mumbled, 'I don't know, a little', and he said, "well, let me know if you find a diet that works".  It was annoying at the time, but hilarious afterwards, since at the time I'd lost about 80 lbs and was at a family pool party in a swimsuit!

I guess my MDs and my parents and uncle will be my cheer leaders.

Jenn.  :)

I find the same thing, and it makes me chuckle lol.  I had cut my hair in the spring to deal with the hair loss and at that point I was down maybe 70lbs I'm guessing, and I had one mom at the school tell me my haircut makes me look so thin, yup that's it not the weight loss, I just needed a good haircut lol.

LOL - I guess you never know what people notice - and fail to notice about you.  Being big, I always thought everyone must be staring at me because of my size.  I don't feel that way anymore, even though I'm not exactly thin, but thin enough to 'blend in'.

Jenn.  :)

I agree, people are so funny sometimes!  I find either people are curious and ask or compliment me or say nothing at all.

Its obvious now that I have lost over 200 lbs, but honestly I did this for me and it doesn't matter if anyone notices or not.

I also think sometimes people forget what we looked like before and they can't imagine  how different we really feel, maybe this day in age so many people are into themselves and it just doesn't fizz on them!  I have a close friend that rarely says a word about my weight loss she knows exactly how much l l have lost, how much better l feel, and how I am wearing more stylish clothes that I couldnt wear before, a big thing for me is no longer needed my walker to get around, sometimes l think now that I am close to her size she doesn't like it!  We will get through this but some relationships can be a struggle when we could use support that we don't get yet we are always there for them.  

Regardless we are all here on this forum for each other and the support here is a big boost!!