I'm a drug addict

I have exactly 5 weeks until I submit my paperwork to insurance. I just went to my bariatric nutritionist visit today. I walked in with my head down in shame. I cringed as she checked my blood pressure. It was ridiculously high of course. I then stepped on the scale. I gained 20 pounds since I started my 6 month nutritionist visits in January.

I walked into the office and first question she asked was what happened. I was defenseless. I gave her a lame run around excuse. She told me the importance of sticking to plan before the surgery because it will only make things more difficult after surgery. Blah Blah Blah.

She explained the pre op and post op diets and I asked her some questions. I then asked her If I was the only loser who gained weight. She quickly said not at all. I then asked how long insurance usually takes to approve. She asked what insurance I had. I said BCBS of Illinois and she said that they are a pain in the butt. Great I said to myself. Not only have I gained a bunch of weight, but I have a pain in the butt insurance.

Deep feelings of depression set in. An empty void. A void that can only be filled with high calorie glorious carb filled greasy sugary food. I then indulged. Whats the point I told myself. Maybe I shouldn't get the surgery. I can't do this. I give up. I'm hopeless.

So here I am. Full of junk food, even more depressed, and feeling like crap. I want to throw myself the usual pitty party. Only problem is they don't help a darn thing.

I'm a drug addict. Well, while not exactly illegal drugs, my drug of choice is food. I am no different than a drug addict in the fact that I can not stop.

I have 5 weeks left. I had plans of having a week filled with anything and everything. A lifetimes worth of buffets and junk food and desserts crammed into 7 days before I had to go on my liquid diet. After todays visit I know that I will not do such a self destructive act.

I am done beating myself up with this self sabotage. Maybe my stomach is talking to my brain plotting its last attempt to not be murdered by my surgeon. I will win this battle. I want this surgery more than anything in this world. I am not going to screw this up for myself.

What have I learned thus far in life. Very simply ... I'm an addict. I am food addict. Once I start I can't stop. How much junkfood is too much ... 1 bite is too much. 1 lick is too much. 1 sniff is too much. From this second on I cannot have ANYMORE unhealthy food

I will not allow myself to get denied. I will start right now doing what I am supposed to do. I will win this battle. Filthy food will not enslave me. I will win!

I AM A WINNER!

I am so right here cheering you on!  YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!  

 You can do this! Look how far youve come already in this process. It may not always be easy but you are worth it and you deserve the life thats out there waiting for you! One thing that really helped me with Pre-Op eating was telling myself.. "Jen you're getting the ******g sleeve, nothing is off limits forever. At some point you (when you have that **** under control)  can have anything you want .. I mean at bite or two at least. So what a few months or more without these foods?!?!?" And the time will pass so quickly. I can have two bites of pizza or cake and honestly have NO desire to eat any more than that. I really just want to taste it now… not really eat it. Now I am not a food addict so I am sure understanding your struggle is harder for me but you will develop new habits and new lifestyle and there will come a day when a tiny slice of birthday cake wont do you in, and when that day arrives post for us all to see.
 

Good on you for admitting the addiction- now the next step (besides surgery) is getting help, as the surgery will not fix the addiction/mental side.. at all. It can actually make it worse as you will be effectively denied your normal outlets for a while. Please seek some type of counseling so you can get strategies in place NOW for dealing with the head issues after surgery. It will save you a lot of heartache and struggling if you can start working on the head as soon as possible. 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!  You just took one HUGE step.  One day at a time.....and we are here for you. 

 You Can do this!  I can relate to how your feeling because once upon a time I felt like you.
Today I dont have to live like that anymore.   your first step is to lose the weight as they asked.
make it to surgery,  maybe seek some therapy or someplace where you can talk about what goes on in your head.  Once you get to surgery and if you follow the food plan,  like will get amazing for you.  You WILL  BE born again!  

I hope you get there...  You Can Do This!      Change your eating habits today to healthy food.  make baby steps....  lets be friends.

I also view myself as a food addict...a sugar addict to be more accurate.

It was easy for me to view my behavior as addict-like. I would change what grocery stores I went to because I didn't want the same clerks seeing me go through heaps and heaps of sugary junk food.

I would eat in secret and try to hide the evidence.

When I was with my boyfriend on the weekends, I would plan times I could get away to get my fix and I would be plotting and planning instead of enjoying our times together.

I would constantly tell myself that each binge was the last time, but soon I'd be out on the hunt for more sugar.

Those behaviors scream ADDICT to me. So, for me, it wasn't hard to say, "wow, I'm a sugar addict."

The hard part was then coming to grips about what addiction treatment means....abstinence. That pill is a little harder to swallow.

I will tell you that since I got the sugar out of my system, I do not have raging, out of control cravings. I wouldn't even say I have cravings for it period. I do credit my sleeve for being an amazing help to this, so I know it will be hard for you pre-op, but consider what foods are your downfall and seriously consider going cold turkey. If you can white knuckle your way through the first few weeks, the cravings will subside significantly.

I am going to play the role of Brandilynn here and recommend you read The Thin Commandments. The book talks about how a lot of people get fat on the same foods eaten at the same times over and over. It will help you identify which foods you may be able to handle in moderation and which foods you should banish.

It is a sobering (pun intended) experience to reach the point where you identify as an addict and consequently the realization that abstinence is the recommended treatment. The first couple of weeks will not be easy, but they will be worth it. SO WORTH IT.

Best of luck to you! Please keep us updated and let us know how your detox goes.
Lindsey

Thats the way to think about it..Every day is eventually called the past a day we cant change..But the future we can and you can do it...Also I believe you will get your surgery and you will be a slim jim in no time.......GOOOOOOO You!

I just wanted to let you know, I have BCBS of Illinois. My doctors office screwed up and didn't send my stuff in. We found this out not even 2 weeks till my scheduled VSG.

From the time they submitted till I got approval was 1.5 weeks. Make sure you gather all your information such as Gym memberships...Doctor's visits, Psych visits, Nutritionist visits, and try and get a kind of chronological diary going. They came back with questions for me and claimed I didn't have enough visits/time in. I had the calender and sent it in with the resubmittal and got approved right away.
I didn't think they were bad at all.

As far as beating yourself up?? There's a reason we need this surgery, Buddy. You will be successful,  just make sure you get good support along the way!

Heidi

Join the club!  I couldn't stop either until I had VSG.  And still, I have problems, it's just now I am forced to work it out.  For instance, just today at lunch, I made what my head calls a "very small plate."  I began to eat and couldn't eat it all (only about half) and had to coach myself, "you don't have to clean your plate.  In fact, YOU CAN'T CLEAN YOUR PLATE and it's okay.  It's ALL GOOD." 

It's a work in progress.  And it begins now but you will find that business picks up once you have your VSG and you HAVE to change. 

Hang in there.  We are all your boat.