Mad at myself, maybe just dissapointed

I am torn between justifying my very recent decision to have the sleeve and being mad/dissapointed that I chose to do it.

I have been obese since having my 1st child. Not sure what happened. Doctors didn't care to find out. 11 years ago I had my beautiful son, but with that pregnancy I packed on 100 pounds. Went from 140 to 240. How is that even possible!?! I have been fighting with my weight since. Like other posts I have read; I know how to eat. I know what I NEED to do. I can usually do it for a couple months. I will lose 10-30 (50 at the most), then something gets me and it all goes away.

After years of saying "it's not for me" or "I can do it on my own, surgery is not an option for me", here I am. Is it accepting that I need the help? I think it really is, but then I also feel like it is me giving in or giving up. I feel ashamed.

I keep thinking myself and hearing from others that I'm not THAT big. I am THAT big. I am 100 pounds overweight. That is (in some cases) a whole other person! Not to mention my mother died very young, due to heart problems caused by her weight. She was only 38 and "not that big".

Yeah, I want to not be fat, but I also don't want to die. So here I am.

There are so many of us here who were frustrated with ourselves. It is not unusual. When I got pregnant with my 18 year old, I gained 75 lbs. I went from 160 to 235, I lost down to 175-180, then the scales began to creep back up on me, slowly but surely. I dieted, only to gain more weight than I lost. I lost 50 on Weigh****chers and gained 100, when I stopped counting points!! Frustrated?? Yes!! I can't call my weight baby weight anymore. She's 18. (Not to mention I lost most of the baby weight) This is all me!! I can't blame it on anyone but me.

But, because I have dieted and gained and taken the one step for ward-two step back approach to "losing" weight, I have learned that I cannot do this on my own. I need help. That is when I decided on weight loss surgery. Not everyone can lose it on their own and keep it off successfully. Shoot, there are a lot of people who gain it back after WLS. It is not a guarantee for all of us. We have to use this surgery as a tool to assist us with changing our lives and the way we eat and exercise. We have to learn to change our destiny ourselves. The sleeve is just a shortcut on the long road to health and happiness. It is not cheating, so don't beat yourself up over it.

I wish you all the best!! Be proud of the choice you are making to become a healthier YOU and others will be proud of you too!! I am proud of your decision to be healthy!!

 I think what you are feeling is very common.  The only thing I can offer is a it feels far better to have the weight in check- so stop beating yourself up about it and applaud yourself for putting yourself on a track to better health!

Okay, with your history (your mom) you are not being weak.  You are being practical and no-nonsense, and btw, wouldn't your mom love to be able to go back and make this choice for herself?

Yes, you are being judgmental of yourself and I understand that. But seriously, 100 pounds is considered "lightweight" in terms of weight loss surgery, but it is still a LOT OF FAT.

I've lost over 65 pounds, am not at goal, but can tell HUGE differences in how much easier it is to move around and actually DO things.  Other people have to ask me to slow down because I'm walking too fast for them to keep up.  That hasn't happened since I was a young, long-legged coltish girl!

This is YOUR decision, not theirs.  YOU are the one who is carrying around one hundred pounds of extra weight just as much as if you had it in a back pack on your back and strapped to your front, and believe me, your legs and knees and ankles know it, your back knows it, your internal organs know it.  
Don't worry about the people who tell you it's not that much.  YOU know how much it is.

Haha! First time I have been called a "light weight"!!

yes, here you are.   We have ALL been in your shoes, wrestling with indecision, feeling like we have let down the world cause we couldn't do it the "normal way", etc, etc. 

It comes down to this - Do you want to be healthier? lose the weight? be around for longer?  Then you have to do SOMETHING.  Either go the traditional route of diet and exercise or the more drastic  (but still hard) route of WLS.  Only YOU can make the decision and commitment to losing it, we are all here for you if you decide you need help, but  please, don't waste anymore of your life by doing NOTHING about it.  I know this sounds harsh but I wish someone had said it flat out to me years ago.   Good luck with your decision and don't worry abouit what others think of your decision, this is YOUR life.

What you're feeling is normal...  but here's some food for thought: less than 5% of obese people who try to lose the "natural" way successfully keep the weight off.  Maybe someone will chime in who knows the stats for wls patients, but that number is much higher for us than for those who do not have surgery.  Not that you don't still have to work to keep the weight off, but the tool we are getting is invaluable if we are using it correctly.

I agree with the others.  You are being practical.  I didn't want to die either, but I had to try one last time to lose on my own.  I did well for several months, and then life happened and I gained all of it back.  By then I knew I needed the help, and I wished I had gone ahead and done this the first time I thought about it.

Bottom line is you need to be sure you are ready.  If you have done your research, know this is in your best interest, and have found a good surgeon that you trust, then I say focus on your health.  You'll see after you are sleeved that this is no walk in the park... you're still earning every pound you lose.  No shame in utilizing every tool available to be healthy!

I'm the same weight as you and I'm getting sleeved tomorrow.

I, too, have heard so many people tell me "oh you're not that big, you don't need surgery, can't you just do it yourself? etc" many many times.  If I could do it, I would but the truth of the matter is I could lose 10 pounds here, 10 pounds there but it will eventually creep back up on me because my eating habits are pretty terrible.  I NEED the surgery to be HEALTHY, not skinny.

As a lot of people have said here, you are justified in how you feel.  I have been feeling the same way.  My surgery is tomorrow and I'm still waffleing but at the end of the day I KNOW I need to do it.  Mostly my feelings are centered around food.  Like "OMG I didn't eat my favorite food before surgery" or "will I be able to eat that again someday?".  Clearly, I have larger issues with food but this isn't about me, I'm just trying to relate to you.

I say, do your research, maybe see a therapist, talk to a surgeon and make the best decision for YOU.  There is NOTHING to be ashamed of.  You should be proud that you are taking steps to a healthier you! And worrying about the risks of surgery is completely normal which is why you should find a surgeon/doctor you are most comfortable with and research, research, research!  Good luck with everything.

I think I was feeling  a little down this morning! You are all very right! I know everyone must feel/have felt the same way!

I am not scheduled for surgery yet. I'm waiting until the new year to meet my deductible and pay for it with my yearly bonus from work. I have no thoughts on not having it. I have done the research and know the doctor I will use. I just feel like a failure. 

This too shall pass!

Thanks for the kind responses!!