Not as social?

I was with a group of friends last night that I used to always drink with.  I really love to hang out with these ladies and they were doing an activity that I was not able to participate in since I had to arrive late, so I was just hanging ou****ching and sitting on the couch playing on my phone waiting on them to finish up. 

One of my friends told me I was not as social as I used to be.  Ok, so I am not drinking much anymore, maybe that is it.  Or maybe I am not trying to compensate for my insecurity about my weight by being loud.  I don't know, I do find I am quieter than I used to be.  I am not sure why, I also get irritated with one of my friends that is a one upper...you know, I got a bonus, well, she got one 4xs as big as yours and it seems even worse when there are new people around to watch her try to establish how great she is at everything.  I guess since I am not drinking, I find it more annoying than I used to.  This group of friends is not overweight, so it is not a jealousy thing.  I have that going on with a couple of friends but I am not really worried about that right now.

Does anyone else notice that their personality has changed a bit since your weight loss?  I think maybe I am more focused on other things than I used to be.  My husband says I am more muted than I used to be.  I don't think that is a bad thing.  Just curious if anyone else has experienced this.

I understand what you are going through - I recently went to my book club - all my friends there are not overweight - and I honestly could not get into their conversations ( we don't talk about books very much!) .  I don't know if it is that I'm so obsessed with my new lifestyle or not being able to drink.  I did feeI like they were watching every bite I took & I do know that they do not understand my "protein first" diet and that they've seen me go through so many diets through the years.  

I did come home and for the first time since surgery - really wanted to binge eat - thank goodness I didn't and couldn't.  But it definitely made me try to figure out what about being around those friends brought up those old feelings - was I insecure?  I'm a work in progress!  As they since invited me to some happy hours, I've declined because I'm just not enjoying those occasions with them right now.  So I guess I'm not as social - but just don't want to blow this new lifestyle right now. I think I am also probably quieter because I'm not relating to their conversations.

Good luck to us both as we navigate this new road!

I have, to a point.. and then the flip-side, I'm much more social too. Just differently.

I used to social drink and keep up with some of my harder-drinking friends.. that changed early out, and now while I DO still drink, I cannot and don't want to hit it as hard as some of my friends still do. It doesn't feel good, and doesn't do my body any favors. For a while, this seemed to irritate a couple of friends that I wasn't enabling them to get toasted.. "no thanks, I don't want a shot, nope, I'll pass on the dessert.." It seemed for a while my choices for whatever reason were a direct impact/affront to theirs and they reacted with a bit of miffed concealed annoyance. Some tried the one-upper stuff too.. it's their way of dealing with the mirror your change in behaviour has held up to them.. not that you are doing this intentionally, but just by altering your behaviour from the group, they will notice yours vs theirs for a bit. This was part of my group of friends growing pains- and had nothing to do with me as I didn't/don't make it a point to talk about my health choices etc.. I just go about my biz, and live & let live! Some embraced it, and some distanced a bit- and it was a win/win for all!

As time went on, most have accepted it- I'm still social (moreso now, dancing, attending a lot of get-togethers vs hiding like I used to!) but I don't need or want to get drunk to be happy & social. I like my wine and beer, as I can sip it- while hard drink ****tails seem to hit me badly (I drink them too fast out of habit usually) so I avoid them for the most part.. I DO notice the folks that we used to hang out with often- the ones drinking/eating hard, still do- and I personally call it a night when the level of inebriation hits a too high point, something I sometimes missed when I was keeping up with them. The judge-y part of me also notes that the ones still hitting it hard are also not in the best of health, while the few that have shifted away from it over the years, or never really went there do seem more vital/healthy. I think as you get into your 40's & beyond, that stuff really does catch up to you faster than before..

Our circle of friends also has shifted to a younger, more active- less alco-centric group. So now where we had one core group- we have several! We still party, but as with everything it seems, moderation (gasp!) is something to keep in mind.. 

What an interesting, important topic!

Our social relationships are based on lots of stuff that we may not even be aware of -- like unspoken "rules" about what is expected in order to qualify as a member of a group of friends. Maybe the "rule" or unspoken expectation is that  we all drink alcohol during our nites out. Or that we eat certain things. Or that we share certain problems, like weight problems, for example.

Also, our relationships are based perhaps also on unspoken expectations about who we  or they are. Maybe person "A" needs for person "B" to be loud so that person "A" can be loud, too. If person "B" stops being so loud, then person "A" may feel left in the lurch -- and may feel subtly resentful of the change in person "B" -- and person "A" may not even be fully aware of her resentment.

dmhe, what you said about about your friends watching you eat, and not understanding the "protein first" thing is interesting, too -- food is so cultural, and is a powerful way of bonding people together. In a family that gathers every Sunday around a beef  roast, if one of the family members has now embraced vegetarianism, this could bring all sorts of issues into the family about who belongs, and resentment - anger -fear: for example, the family members might say to the vegetarian" "why don't you eat meat anymore? Do you think that you are better than us? What am I supposed to feed you now that you don't eat the roast like everybody else does? Mom doesn't have all day to prepare something special just for you, you know!!' etc etc

dmhe, I love what you say "I guess since I am not drinking, I find (someone's annoying behavior) more annoying than I used to". Sounds like you may be questioning how the alcohol may have influenced your thoughts and behaviors in the past. Your friends may be aware of this on some level, and not like the idea that the alcohol might be leading them to less-then-healthy behaviors -- your lack of drinking makes this possibility more easily seen. Plus, if you are no longer drinking, or not drinking as much as you previously did, then you may be sticking out like a sore thumb in the "culture" of that circle of friends.

Embracing a lifestyle that supports greater health demands, by definition, that we raise our standards of what is acceptable to us, in the food that we put in our mouths, the kind and quality of exercise we get, the amount of fluid we take in, the consistency with which we take vitamin supplements, etc etc. We no longer accept just anything that comes along. We question things more. Maybe this means that we are quieter, more reflective than we were before. Maybe we relate less to conversations that we used to enjoy with our friends. Of course, this has a great impact on those relationships.

dmhe, you mention a friend who seems to brag a bit about her achievements, money, etc. But here you are, you and your sleeve, achieving something of true value and worth -- you are creating greater health. It is possible that someone who maybe needs to puff herself up is aware of this -- and your true achievement  trumps any puffery...again, this could put strain on a relationship...

I don't really have answers here, but changes in relationships is probably a common occupational hazard of people who successfully lose weight. It is worth thinking about this, because it is a very important issue...

Thank you for bringing up this topic!!

I cannot exactly answer your question, but this is an interesting topic I've been contemplating as my surgery is less than 4 weeks away.

My boyfriend and I get together with another couple once a week. We usually have dinner (a very fattening dinner, I might add, as our friends are not healthy eaters) and play cards/games, and me and the other lady drink some wine (the guys are not drinkers). I haven't told them about the surgery yet, because I know they are going to be very resistant. They tend to be food pushers and alcohol pushers, and I just don't know how this is all going to work out. I hope I don't lose them as friends, but I understand that I might. It seems some friendships are tied together with food and alcohol (which is kind of sad when you think about it).

I went gluten free last year, and it has given me a big taste of how closely related our eating/drinking and social relationships are entwined. I dread social events to an extent. I went to a baby shower at a restaurant not too long ago. There was nothing there I could really eat (plus it was expensive so I didn't even order a drink), so I sat there and drank water. Not only did I feel uncomfortable, but I feel like everyone else felt uncomfortable eating in front of me. Work lunches are hard. Holidays are very difficult for me. I find myself avoiding things I know will be too awkward (thus becoming less social?). And this makes other people feel threatened. So I guess in a way, this has prepared me for WLS. I know it will get a lot more intense after surgery.

I find I have been more social in the past 3 years. I am more willing to join groups, go out alone rather than hide behind my husband, etc. We have never been drinkers and most of our friends are not but I have had a few glasses of wine. I don't feel obligated. Some of our friends (and my father) are food pushers but I have always found ways to decline without making an issue of it. I don't always decline there, either, sometimes I take something and just nibble or eat a small portion. I try not to be rigid but I am 2 1/2 years out from my losing phase, too. There is nothing to be smug about in my new lifestyle, I was just as bad as anyone and try to remember "There but for the grace of God...." I am just one of the lucky ones who has been blessed with the opportunity to have a life changing surgery and have made good use of it.

I think that whether or not someone else is bothered by my lifestyle is in how I present myself and I always try to make the other person comfortable, it is just my nature. I also don't sit back and wait for others to come to me. I greet with a hug, a smile, a warm gesture, and a comment about how good it is to see them. I feel as it I let too many friends go when I was busy hiding out and I refuse to let the rest go just because I have decided to take action to change my health. I would rather have people ask me than to seem to be preaching to them.

I don't know if any of this makes sense but it has worked for me. Other than my father, anyway. He is 85 and there is no changing him. I just smile and remember how much I love him and how lucky I am to still have my folks with us still.

Reading this, I feel like I could have written it myself!  Most of my social gatherings in the past have been extremely alcohol centered, so I find I hang out with that group less, as it is less enjoyable now that I don't drink. It's funny how social dynamics change! You don't realize how many social activities were based around food or booze!