The "What have I done?" moment and breaking up with food...

I'm reposting this from yesterday. I originally posted this as a comment to a thread about another OH member's "What have I done?" moment. I got a few responses that said that it was really helpful, so I felt like it would be appropriate to post it here in the hopes that it will help someone else... It was really cathartic for me to just type it out. Here goes nothing.

 

 

In regards to "What have I done?"

 

I remember the exact moment. I was about 4, maybe 5, days out, standing in the bathroom, shirt off, staring at my SIX incision sites and I just looked up at my face in the mirror and said (out loud), "What did you DO?" My incisions were starting to bruise. I still had steri-strips on most of them. I looked disheveled from a general lack of caring what I looked like (plus the fact that I was too weak to shower).

 

I had a 10 second panic attack. I was thinking, "I don't know how to navigate life without food." It was a feeling of "I don't know how to have emotions without a full stomach." But I quickly realized that there was no use even thinking about freaking out. This was a done deal. Food and I had broken up. And this wasn't a "We still hook up on the weekends or when we get bored" kind of break up either. This was a "We're done. Forget my number. Forget my name. It's over." kind of break up.

 

I'm not at all saying that this has been easy to accept. The frozen Girl Scout cookies in my freezer are a testament to that. I will always love food. If I had it my way, I'd go to culinary school and be a chef. I still marathon Food Network and never miss and episode of Master Chef. I just have had to accept the iron clad truth that I will never again binge on crap. I will never again eat to the point of discomfort. I will never again be able to give blatant disregard to calorie count, carb content, etc. Food and I have no choice but to have an amicable, but permanent, parting of the ways.

 

I'd be a liar if I said that this has been easy (refer to the aforementioned frozen contraband). I want to be a person who lives "in moderation" eventually, but I also know that if I don't keep myself of a tight leash, I will slip back into my carb-heavy routines of the past. As of right now, my surgeon and I are dealing with treating my reflux and I haven't been great with my protein and fluids for about 3 weeks. I'm trying and will get everything back on track after my Gastroenterologist and I get the reflux sorted out. I'm going to continue my fight to get in my protein and keep the carbs low knowing that I'll get there eventually as long as I keep on keeping on. 

 

In the end, I hope to get to the point where food and I can be those exes who pass each other on the side walk and nod to each other politely, remembering the good times, but knowing that our relationship was not meant to be. An amicable divorce.

 

I hope this helps someone out there. We're all in this together.

 

 

Chrissy... thank you so much for sharing that!  My surgery is three weeks from Wednesday (9/18) and I had a moment last week where I freaked out.  I feel like I'm going to lose my best friend.  That is how much food has a hold on me.  It's sad.  It's pathetic. But at least I realize that I'm in a dysfunctional relationship.  I am moving on...without looking back.  Your words were encouraging to me!  

Yes, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts which are my thoughts, too!!  I have not had surgery and I am still contemplating and researching.  I, too, have a love/hate relationship with food.  Having this surgery is scary.  What will I do when I want to eat?  Maybe I better look into knitting?!

Oh my gosh!  I just had my psychological interview today and I passed!  I'm a few weeks out from surgery also, but I can't help feeling like I'm breaking up with food.  I asked the psychologist, "do people feel "normal""? after having the surgery, but even I wasn't sure what I meant until I read this.  I know I am going to have to give up certain foods, and certainly that feeling of gorging myself, but is it going to be OK?  Am I going to be depressed because of it, and if so, how do you get past it?  Thanks for posting this...it really finally hit home as to what it is I'm feeling.  Now I just have to make the decision and move forward.

Chrissy,

     Thank you for sharing. My surgery is Thursday. I have been fortunate to survive and leave one abusive relationship and I know I can do it again. I know I will be taunted and teased by food after my surgery, but just lie before I have to keep walking in the direction of sanity and happiness! Thank you so much for putting this so perfectly! God Bless!

Wendy

Hi all. I can fully relate to the "break up" and how overwhelming it was pre-op and early post op. I'm 9 years out and can say that it does get better. Over time, you associate the big portions and wrong foods with pain and nausea, and they lose their appeal. Trust in that decision you've made for yourself to do and be better and blindly jump. Once the cord is cut, so to speak, your life opens up to a world of other activities that doesn't center around food. Food takes its appropriate role in your life as a means of fueling yourself and joy is found in not being dependent on an unhealthy relationship. It truly is freeing!

Thank you! That was so well written. :)

Thank you so much for sharing.  I have my surgery on 9/12 on this is so appropriate for me right now.

Thanks for the replies, everyone :) I'm glad my experience is helpful.