11 months out - NSV and some thoughts
So, I was 11 months out yesterday. I can't believe it's been almost a year. I've been maintaining in about a 3 pound range. I'd like to make 138 the top of that range to allow for some bounceback room, but all in all I'm happy with where I am. I'm still not ready to call goal, but I think I will be in another month. I'm happy with the recent changes in my body. I have much more muscle tone, if not for the extra skin on my stomach (thank you pregnancy! LOL), it would be flat. I'm still working and will continue to work on my body composition. I wear a size 4 in jeans, which still blows my mind. I constantly think clothing manufacturers are playing a trick on me, but every time I try on size 4s in designer jeans they actually fit. I even have a couple of size 2s from ON. I love getting ready to go out, doing my hair, makeup, picking out my accessories and shoes. I take much better care of my appearance now, and I think it shows in the amount of confidence I have. I'm amazed at my strength and stamina when working out. I've loved exercise for years, but it's amazing the difference in my energy level and confidence now. We were doing various types of farmer walks last week in kettlebells, and I was toting around the same amount of weight as the fit men in class for some of them (in some instances that weight was over half of my body weight). At one point, I didn't know if I could use the weight I had selected, and my instructor told me that he knew I could because I was so ornery. Which, I guess, I am. About 90% of the time, I truly believe in myself. I believe that I am strong, relatively fit, capable, and even beautiful. I'm still struggling with that 10%, and I don't think that will ever go away. I've made bad choices, I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I own this journey. Every bad choice, even every good choice is a chance to learn, and I'm going to continue doing that. I've been immensely lucky with the support I've had in my family, with my friends, my support group, and here. I wouldn't be where I am today without all of it.
I do still look in the mirror and see the woman who weighs 260+. I still wake up daily terrified that I'm still in that body, then I put my hand on my hipbone and realize that I'm not in that body any longer. It kind of feels like a dream in some ways. I know I've worked hard, I've learned a lot about myself, my triggers, my actual needs that I was trying to satisfy with food, but these past 11 months have felt like the blink of an eye. This month hasn't been the best for me with vacation and this neverending cold, but I'm feeling better. Getting back into the swing of things, and I have more confidence than I ever had prior to surgery that I'll be OK.
To all the newbies, this surgery works. It works better than I ever thought possible. I'm thinner than I have been, including when I was 14 and bulimic. I'm still terrified of maintenance because it's so much more gray than weight loss, but every day gives me a little more confidence that THIS is who I am now, that VSG has given me the tool I always needed to stay successful, and I am a fighter. You all can do it too. I promise. I'll be here rooting you on, and always feel free to ask me questions, PM me, etc. I'm an open book. We might not all have exactly the same struggles, fears, NSVs, etc, but we're all on this journey together, and it's so helpful to know I'm not alone. Everything feels so much more overwhelming when I trick myself into believing I am alone, so that's when I try my hardest to really reach out. Happy Monday to everyone!
Here's my NSV for the month. Over the knee boots and a photo bomb by my pup, Chewie (or Monster as I lovingly refer to him). :)
Deena, you are just so beautiful both inside & out. I didn't know you suffered from bulimia. I did too in my late teens/early 20's. You have been a big time inspiration to me. Yes, people who aren't as far out as me encourage me too ... to the fullest!!! Keep fighting the good fight, I am right there with you!!!
xo 
Jenn
WWBD?
Eating disorders are rampant in my family, and as a kid who was always on the pudgy end of normal, severely asthmatic and under-developed in comparison to the over-developed pre-teen/teen set, it was just a matter of time before it got me. I'm hoping I can stop the trend in my Bean. All of this self exploration, the desperate need to redefine my relationship with food, the surgery to finally give me an effective tool to really help me be successful long term, it all comes down to her. To stopping some of this madness from being a part of her journey. My grandmother actually starved herself to death, so I think the cycle is getting better with each generation. We are both fighting the good fight, except you're wearing pink boxing gloves and mine are ninja black, but we're in it to win it together :)
