1 year surgiversary! (a day late with photos you've probably already seen)

I have the flu, but I'm feeling better than yesterday so I figured I'd post today.  My one year surgiversary was yesterday.  I'm still kind of reeling.  My surgeon won't see me for another six months, I'm pretty much at goal and have been for over two months, I'm living my life and taking my battles one at a time.  It's a lot to process.  If you saw my post from earlier this week, you know I was at the OH conference over the weekend.  I'm so thankful I attended for so many reasons, but I think it really helped ground me.  I found so much support and strength there.  No one in my life really understands my struggles, so it was even more amazing to be around so many people who just get it.  I think I really needed that.  I get it on a daily basis with this forum, but there's a lot to be said for in person support, empathy, commiseration. 

Sooo, the stats - I've lost around 131 pounds according to my surgeon's office.  That's nearly half my body weight.  I'm nearly half the person I was physically, but I'm much more than twice the person I was emotionally if that makes sense.  I've lost countless inches.  I went from a size 20 in jeans and XL top to a size 4 in jeans, smalls and sometimes extra smalls in tops, size 2 in most dresses.  Mind boggling, really.  I never thought I would be this small, and honestly, I don't see it.  I know I'm pretty thin, I can see that, but what I really see is flaws - big thighs, large calves, the post pregnancy belly roll that is obviously not going away without surgical intervention, etc.  What I really see is someone who needs to lose another 10 pounds, maybe 15 pounds and on and on and on. I'm working on that, which is why I've been maintaining since about 9.5 months.  It was becoming obsessive, and with my history of bulimia and my family's history of both anorexia and bulimia, I needed to take a chill pill.  My marriage is so much better, and I'm not sure if it's the surgery, the weight loss, how much happier I am, how I can actually focus on our relationship instead of my misery, but it's probably a combination of everything.  I've been pretty thin in our relationship, but never this thin, and as much as he won't consciously admit it, I know he loves it.  He even gets a little jealous, and he hasn't been able to keep his hands off of me for months.  These are not normal behaviors for him. I'd have to say my favorite NSVs from the last year have to do with basically no longer being afraid to do anything.  I want to go places, I want to meet people, I want to live.  I want to live loudly, passionately, boldly, unapologetically because that's how I want my daughter to live.  I had this surgery for me, first and foremost, but she was the real driving factor in actually taking the plunge.  I need to be the best mother I can be, and I knew I couldn't do that at 260+ pounds. 

So, what this surgery gave me is ME.  In the past year, I've found me again.  The me who says what she thinks and means what she says.  The me who isn't afraid.  The me who takes life by the balls and doesn't let go.  The me who accepts who she is and all of her limitations and strengths.  The me who is awesome.  I've got my demons, I've got some fears, I'm in no way "fixed" but I keep battling it out one day at a time, sometimes the battle is one minute at a time.  I don't have this figured out, but I have an army of supporters of which you all are a part, I have several weapons of which VSG is the most powerful, and I've got my will of iron.  While it's great to wear such a small size, to wear riding boots or over the knee boots, to wrap a towel around my body, to have my wedding ring fall off, to basically be symptom free from my asthma - there is nothing that compares to just feeling like I am me.  It can be hard some days - feeling like an exposed nerve without all this fat on my body to protect me, to shield me, to keep others away - but most of the time, it's just real life.  My real life.  Full of pain, triumph, love, joy, sadness, fighting, all of it.  And I'm so grateful.

I leave you with this quote - "Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life."

Before

After

Awesome journey physically and mentally!

Thanks!

Deena, I am so happy that I got to meet you.  You have so much to say & you say it well. I think you word things the way a lot of us feel but like me, I have a hard time saying  it all.  You have truly been successful in this journey but not just from sheer weight loss but from becoming the person you are and have always wanted to be.  I congratulate you on all your successes as a person, mom, wife, & friend.  You are just amazing!!!!

Aww thank you!  I do have a lot to say.  I think one of the reasons is bc I'm so silent 90% of my day.  I'm so thrilled I got to meet you in person, and I'm even more thrilled I got to see you and John together.  You both are just so wonderful and beautiful and kind.  You know I adore you, and I know we're friends for life :)

You look wonderful and happy

Thanks! 

Such a wonderful post from a beautiful, wonderful woman!! You have done AMAZING and I'm so happy for you!!! I really hope we get to meet someday face to face!!

Oh we will.  Of that I have no doubt.  It's so important to keep in contact with the people who make you stronger.  You, my luvvie, make me stronger just by being you.  It's simply a matter of time before we get together in person and party like rock stars :)

Hey love, congrats on your milestone! I think the absolute most important revelation is that you are discovering yourself and who you really are. Self discovery is delightful, yet tremendously frightening sometimes. Tread carefully and learn from your missteps. Embrace who you are - even the bits you don't really want. We can't change who we are, but we can change how we deal with who we are, if that makes sense.

So, my kindred spirit, feel better and celebrate when you can. Hugs!