Last night i spoke with a newbie psych about my thoughts

 Thank you all so much for posting. I spent hours last night talking to someone who is a fresh start psych and while we did not address the fears so much, we did address what possibly triggers my addiction and where it may have started. My cousin who is 3 months apart in age from me and more like a sister also was a part of this and had brought up a couple of childhood memories that I can not remember to save my life but impacted her greatly.    For examples, once her brother, her and I all got a burger and were eating it and as (as i do now badly) I wolfed mine down when she was only like 3 bites into hers. She noticed and commented "wow mary jo, you ate that fast!" My reply? " well I have to eat it quick otherwise I will get full before i can finish" This was like at the age of 8. Trend was set long before I even realized.    Another time we were eating breakfast and had a bowl of raisin bran. She asked my mom for 2nds, and i followed up asking for 2nds. My mothers reply was " vijo (my cousin) can have seconds because she is skinny, you can not have 2nds because you are fat". (was young too)    Last instance she brought up and this i remembered after she told me, was we were like 14, 15 and her, my high school boyfriend and i were in the front yard messing around having fun and i ran inside the house laughing and going to get something. As i exited the house, my whole attitude changed. I was down and upset. After some prodding my cousin got out of me that my mother while I was in the house said to me "you better get outside before vijo steals your boyfriend because she is skinnier."    NOW saying that is eye opening for sure, and not excatly addressing the surgery issue now. It DOES touch into some habits somehow installed in me early on. What is even scarier, is my FATHER was WAY worse than my mother especially in my memory bank.  He would set me up to tear me down on a daily basis. If I could tell you how many times he would say how fat I was, how ugly my fat was, or how many women he pointed out to and mentioned how i should look like them (or my mother) you would be astounded. Every dream I have today of my father usually wakes me up in tears and severe self disappointment OR anger towards him. It has been obvious to me for a long time that he is a seriously bad part of my childhood in so many ways other than image, and its unfortunate to say so. My mom, was loving in other areas but image was HUGE for her. Still seems to be to a point, but now is obese herself and has backed off quite a bit. SHe was barbie perfect when I was growing up. The image thing still somewhat lingers for her.   In this conversation last night we did figure out slightly that some of my fears of surgery, have to do with issues with the physical reroute that happens and what this will do, or affect me in years to come. I seem to be afriad of the what if's in 10, 20 years. I am also afriad of the complications from surgery, and dying. I am severely afraid of the deficiencies. I am afraid of the first 4 months after surgery and the severe struggle that seems to happen. This comes from endless of reading of newly post ops and what they are dealing with. I am afriad of the isntant mind warp that happens and how hard reality of letting go of my best friend after will impact me. (yes I intend to stick with talking to someone with or without surgery to get through that patr.) Partly afriad I can not properly slow down on eating. I hear time and again how the slow eating and small bites will come regardless, because i learn quickly how much pain I am in otherwise.   We have decided I am NOT afriad of the lifestyle change, I am not afraid of making concrete changes to make the tool work. I am not afraid to speak my mind and someway figure out what is going on inside.I am not afraid of what positive changes this could bring me.    Thanks for listening and all the advice I have recieved so far. You all are wonderful. I just wanted to include you on last nights events and how interesting some of it was. *Hug*

Glad you had this opportunity and glad you found out some things . You are gonn do just fine if you embark on a WLS journey,I can tell from your post.

I want to tell you,just for reference, that NOT everyone has the struggles some  on this site speak of. I had no trouble from the day I was cleared from my leak test with drinking or eating AT ALL. Do I know when my sleeve is full? Definately.  Just thought you needed a counterpoint to factor into your thought process.


Edited to add:
When you are exploring your feelings again,maybe you could touch on feeling about what might happen to you health wise if you DON"T have the surgery and how that is affecting your decision. since you have touched on how HAVING the surgery makes you feel,it would be a good counter point.

 that is a VERY good idea. I think I will discuss that next time to help me on my decision for this journey. Its a hard one

Desert dancer, whom do you mean by "my best friend?" Your eating habits, your digestive system, or an eating buddy?

Thanks for the post. Your insights are fascinating.

 Sorry I did not clarify. Food in general. My addiction to it. 

 Its great that Ure looking at these issues pre-op .But often the  trigger to overeat and KEEP on eating is just PHYSICAL..like constant  irritation from too much stomach acid from a congenital  (birth defect based  and inherited ) hiatal hernia .

The reason the surgery works initially is that you DONT have to fix the  overeating yourself -  the surgery does it FOR you .  Later ,you HAVEto maintain it though  :( 

Congrats on being proactive( and aware ) !  

DD-I don't normally share my "story" in such in such an open forum, but since you showed so much courage in doing so, I feel I must follow suit. I am guessing I am much older than you (I'm 54), but reading YOUR story could be like reading my OWN.

Maybe parents don't REALIZE how much simple WORDS can damage their kids. I was the only "fat one" of 6 kids. An embarassment to my Barbie mother? Did the harsh words make me eat less? Obviously NOT.

You have my UTMOST admiration for facing your "demons", and talking to someone--and God bless your cousin, who obviously loves you, and will be a great support system.

As for your post op "fears"-it's OKAY to be fearful-I'd be WAY worried if you were NOT scared. I can only tell you MY experience-I am nearly 10 years post RNY-lots of bumps in the road along the JOURNEY, including a 70 lb regain/reloss-I've  now lost half myself (-170 lbs), and am at "number goal"-have completed 2 half marathons-am on no Diabetes or blood pressure meds, etc anymore, etc, etc. I cannot eat ice cream or pork..small prices to pay for health-for ME. Everyone must make their own choices.

My prediction is that you will have great success!

 thanks for your post.  you are wise to do a lot of soul searching before surgery, and to realize that the roots of our problem run deep!  you are gonna do great, just remember that people who have textbook post surgery experiences may not post, but for some folks it all goes smoothly!  Let's hope we are lucky in that way...

Very good post.  It was a little hard to read because you didn't use paragraphs.  You speak from your heart and that is the best kind of writing.  After you write what you have to say, go back and make some paragraphs.  It almost doesn't matter where you make the breaks, it just makes it easier to read.  Please don't take this as a insult.  I hate grammar Nazis.  I want to continue reading about your journey.

Are you dead set on RNY?  I see you are afraid of malabsorption.  I am too.  I had two surgeries.  The band and VSG.  The band didn't work out, but the VSG is great.  I chose them because they don't involve any rerouting.  The VSG just makes your stomach much smaller and is the most natural of all of the surgeries.

It is good that you are talking all of this out with someone and coming here for support.  Food addiction is very hard to overcome.  The surgery helps because you just can't eat as much as you want.  You will probably still want to eat a lot, but you won't be able to.

I don't know if you are a sugar junkie or not.  None of the surgeries are going to work very well if you don't get a sugar jones under control.  If you are just a volume eater, you will have a much better chance of getting thing under better control.

For many of us, food was/is our everything, well not quite, but it sure can fill in a lot of cracks.  This won't change overnight.  It will be a constant struggle, but one you will have some help with once you get WLS.

I wish you would look into the VSG,  I don't know how much you have to lose or if you have any metabolic problems, but it could be the best surgery for you if you just need a restrictive procedure.

Best of luck to you in whatever the future holds for you.