Relationships changing

 UGH!  I tried to explain this a million times in this post and I keep deleting it.  It makes both of us sound like damaged creatures which I guess we are, but we arent mean or evil.  Just human.  Anyway, here is the short version...

I went on vacation with my two best friends and my cousin who is more like a sister to me.  She is an only girl and so am I.  We have been thick as theives since diaper days.  I love her to pieces.  These are the ladies in my life that have shown up no matter what.  I love them very much and they love me. 

What I noticed is that our roles are changing.  I was the invisible to men one.  I ran interference when they needed it from the men who noticed them.  I used to feel bad about it at times.  But it was just the way it was.  That wasnt the case this time.  Males were asking me to dance, coming over to the table to talk to me, and sending me drinks.  (and surprised when they found out I was drinking ice tea.  Not long island..just ice tea.  lol)  I was both flattered and a bit embarassed.  I am still socially ackward with the opposite sex.  I had to be told by two different guys that they were trying to hit on me.  Hell, I thought they were being nice and actually wanted an answer to the question they asked.  lol. 

Anyway...one friend reacted with joy.  She was amused that I was getting hit on and my reaction to it all.  One friend was happy for me but visibly struggling with her own body image.  My cousin was outright angry for a while.  My cousin is used to being the center of male attention and this was difficult for her to deal with.  Later, she apologized wholeheartedly for getting upset and admitted that since she is going through her divorce, she has been feeling bad about herself and she took it out on me.  As with all great friends, it was immediately forgiven and forgotten.

The next night we went out.  My cousin was better about it but still clearly struggling.  My one friend was very quiet and not as outgoing as she usually is and for a while, there was a weird atmosphere around us.  (It didnt help that one jerk tried to nibble my ear when he motioned me forward to yell in my ear over the band playing.  I immediately reacted to it and a bouncer saw the whole thing and THREW the guy out of the bar.  It made lots of people look over at our table and it was embarassing.  I couldnt believe he thought that would be okay to do but what do I know apparently.  I freaked.  I was about to use a move on him when the bouncer interupted.  ugh.)  But by the end of the night, we had our groove back.  We were laughing and talking just like we always had. 

It just seems to me that this is so small of a thing to get weird about. NONE of those guys stood a chance and are not significant to me in the least.  The reason?  Not one of them cared about getting to know me.  They all saw one thing and left quickly when they realized I wasnt that way.  And these guys are worth causing tension between us?  No way!  I hope it doesnt happen anymore because it made me feel bad and very sad for us.  I am glad I dont go out to bars very often and that we normally do other things when we get together.  I just wondered if anyone else has had similar experiences and what you did to make them better.  I know we will all be okay because we are like that.  I would just like to know how to make it better before it becomes a huge issue. 

You've gone through (and are still adjusting to) a life-changing transformation. And it is going to change your life, whether you want it to or not. The change is primarily physical, but regardless of what anyone says, it DOES affect you emotionally and mentally, too.  It also greatly affects how others treat us...not just those closest to us, but also strangers. There is no real preparation for this, except to know that it IS coming and that it does happen to just about everyone/anyone who loses a great amount of weight (regardless of whether they had surgery to lose their weight or not.)  For many, it is also a time for the butterfly to emerge from the cocoon. There isn't any reason to fear this. Rather, if you hang onto your values and stay grounded...knowing what is really important to you, you will simply become a better version of yourself.  Sadly, you may lose some relationships along the way...but that is true any time there is a life-changing occurance in our lives (ie, death, divorce, relocation, etc....)  I've come to realize (and embrace) that I can't control what other people THINK, FEEL, SAY OR DO.  I can only control my reaction to it.  

You do your thing. Expect bumps along the journey. But in the end, you have to put what's best for you...for your health...as a priority.

I went to a class a couple of weeks ago, not a support group but a continuing education class for the life changes.  The most gorgeous women in the class - 50+ in age and looks like she's been a southern belle her whole life - had surgery several years ago and was sharing some of the surprising life changes beyond just the weight loss. 

One of the most surprising changes was her husband's reaction.  They have a great marriage and always have.  He was by her side for the entire surgery and transformation.

But it took him much much longer to adjust.  Even though he was "living it with her", he wasn't in her skin and experiencing the change 24/7.  One of the hardest parts for him was when he went to hold her, "she" wasn't there.  The body he'd held for 30+years was missing and now he had to figure out how to fit with this new smaller body that belonged to the woman he loved.

I too have a couple of friends like yours.  I haven't even told them about my surgery but I can only imagine what a struggle your friends might be having.  Not because they don't love you.  Not because they don't support you 100%.  But it is a change and they are having to adjust to a new "normal".

My recommendation... be patient with them.  Encourage them to talk through their perspective on how things are different.  In any relationship, when something great is happening in one person's life there is always a transition in the other person's life to figure out where/how they fit in.  It happens when you start dating someone seriously.  It happens AGAIN when you get married.  And oh boy... does it happen when you start having kids. 

But don't let them get away! Just love them and stick with it. 

(Unless of course it turns out they're jerks and can't seem to get past their own issues of you being healthy!!!)

One more random addition... it's human nature to want things to be like they've always been... ever tried to switch which side your hair parts on, only to have your hair fight to go back to the way it's "always" been parted... Expect to see a little bit of that too with your friends/cousin... Not because they don't love you and want you to be successful but just because that's human nature.  Their task (and yours) is to fight that desire to return to business as usual and embrace the new future tomorrow holds!

Good luck!!  Hope to read exciting wonderful things for you soon!

I have been kind of seeing this with my friends.  I have not had my surgery yet but kicking ass with my diet and have been so happy about it. But have noticed ever since I have started losing the weight 2 of my friends are always finding excuses not to hang out. The one who is overweight also tells me she wants to lose and I told her I am here and will help and support you every step of the way. Have offered to go walking with her, for her to come use my elliptical to join a gym together I would even pay for her membership. I have even wanted to just go and hang out kick back maybe go for a drive and take pics (it is a big hobby for both of us we both love photography) but constantly hear I can't. I have said I will come to your house and it is I have to do this or that, but one day I stopped in because I was driving by and everything she said she had to do wasn't even touched :-( Makes me feel so sad to feel distant from my friends, but I am not going to let it deter me from my new goal in life! I am doing this for me! To make me feel and look better. I have a friend at work who has been supporting me every step of the way and she congratulates me for even losing 1 pound and helps and encourages me.