Can I GRR for a minute before building a bridge?

I KNOW this is my mind playing games with my will to succeed and be healthy.  I want to say that up front.  I also want you to know that I am USING you people.  One of the tools I have learned to deal with eating issues, stress, life..yada...is to say out loud those messages my brain tells me so I can see how redonkulous they are...and if I cant, at least someone can kick my butt back into play with some reason.  So bare with me.  I am about to unload the crap and make room for the right information and messages to get in there.

FIrst of all, if one more person tells me (or asks me) to stop losing weight because I look terrible, I might lose my nice.  JUST SAYIN.  I have learned that when I lose, I lose in my face (and boobs but not the point here) first.  At times, this means I will look thinner than I should until the rest of me catches up.  THE TRUTH, I am within the healthy limit guidelines my doc set up for me.  I eat healthy foods at good times.  I hit my protein goals every day.  (AND if you must know, I have this annoying little 5 pound yoyo-ing going on where i lose it and get it back and I cant seem to figure it out.  I havent changed the routine.  I chalk it up to my body adjusting and I am not getting to stressed about it.  IF it jumps more than 5, i will talk to the doc again.  But from the posts I read here, that seems to be the norm.  Hell it could be water retension or 10 other NORMAL things going on.) The truth also is that when the ones who COUNT say this, it is not meant to be mean.  They love me.  And that's what matters the most.  

Stress is kicking my ass.  I am working two jobs because I have to.  I feel neglectful of my children.  I feel neglectful of me.  I feel neglectful of my poor house.  I never do enough even when i fall into bed exhausted and think 5 or 6 hours will carry me through another 18 or 19 hour day.  THE TRUTH is I am doing the best I can and no one ever died from dust bunnies on the damn television.  We have reduced spending to the bare bones and in one year this dang payment making my life wicked crazy right now will be paid off.  The kids are with me every night I do not work at a second job.  When they arent with me, they are with family.  They are happy healthy and proud of their mom.  We spend quality time together.  They are clean, they have clean clothes and a semi clean home.  The dishes are done, garbage out, laundry kept up and the floors are clear to walk on.  IF they dont get vacuumed, swept and mopped its okay because we have chosen to go for a walk or read a book or do homework together.  It will keep for a day off.  As for myself, ugh!  I need to kick my own ass.  I dont have time to get my 30 minutes a day in and I NEEEED that time.  I use it to clear my head.  It is MY time and I want it back.  Now just tell me how to carve it out.  And 5 or 6 hours sleep??  who the hell am I kidding?  I need 8.  It is just so hard to fit it all in.  ugh.  I need a better plan. 

I feel guilty when I have to say no.  I work way more hours at my main job because there is no one else who can cover vacation hours.  WHile it's nice having a few extra bucks to throw into the plastic surgery jar, it is crazy for me to work 5am to 10pm.  It is okay to tell my parents i cant help them every night because my kids want to spend time with me too.  It is okay to tell my friends i cant babysit for them because i am exhausted from the work week.  THE TRUTH is Telling my friends, family and my employer no is okay.  Setting boundaries is healthy and I can stop feeling guilty because it's silly to feel that way when you are asking for things you need.  Helping out is a privlege and I enjoy it.  I will need to keep boundaries though or I will stop caring for me and all the hard work I have done will be forgotten.  Balance!  I have to remember balance. 

NO FOOD WILL NOT HELP me feel better so shut up committee in my head.  I am NOT empty.  I am NOT hungry.  i DO NOT need to fill the ache with food.  Move along.  I am busy living my life and I dont need you to derail me.  That is all.  

Okay.  Wow.  I do feel better.  I was stressing out there for a minute.  LOL.   See how fast the neighborhood in my head can get??  sheesh.  I know my own answers when i say the issues out loud for the most part.  It is when i dont say it and let it grow that I get in trouble.  What I would like to know is, how are you all carving out time?  THere must be other single moms out there (or dads!) who have to work a lot and still manage time to take care of themselves!  Any strategies you have would be appreciated.  Thank you in advance for reading.  I hope you got a couple of chuckles out of it at least.  Thanks for being my sounding board.  Most would not understand.  Here, i sense a few might have just felt that way or said those things a time or two.  Have a great day!  I plan to!  Break over.  Back to work! 

 I am not sure if I should say anything since I have my frost appointment on Saturday but I am a mom that has three little kids and I work 48 hours on midnights so I have the days with my kids. 
But to me it seems like your doing AWSOME for your kids.  Sorry you don't get you time.  But you are making kid time.
Try to get some you time and keep up the great work

Dianna

 I loved your post...and I totally agree, those dust bunnies will be there long after we aren't! Besides they have a habit of multiplying faster if you clean them up I find :)

While I am no longer a single Mum, I soooo remember those days when I just didn't know how I was going to manage one more thing, or me more request...so I applaud you for finding a few minutes to shout out.

YES, no is ok to say....yes, yes, yes it is!  I promise yo no one will fall off the planet if you say "sorry, I just can't do it right now....I am swamped myself". Practise saying this phrase.

Don't let "Mothers Guilt" live rent free in your head....you sound like yo are doing an awesome job just as it is now!

Your post made me LOL.

Go ahead and lose your nice---it'll make you feel better, and it just might make some of the people around you think twice before they run their mouths again. (Always a good thing!)

Perhaps instead of "yes" or "no", you can start saying , "Let me get back to you after I check my schedule.  Things are kind of hectic now and I don't want to commit to anything I can't do."  Then wait a while .  Do an honest evaluation of your needs and your time.  Sometimes you may still be able to say "yes" but ii it's "no", you can beg off and tell them you just can't work it in.

So many of us are conditioned to just say "yes" without thinking.  This method let's you still be honest and giving when possible.  Me, I've gotten to the point where I just say 'no", but then I'm way older than you and probably not nearly as nice. (Although I did ease it into it.)

 As a fellow single mom (I have five, twins and triplets that are 13 and 10) I totally get everything you are saying.  I have felt what you are describing to a T.  

I worked part time, made sure everyone got to school and home safely with lunches and snacks, made homemade meals from scratch for my family, and kept the house and laundry clean.  I would have to wait to clean until after everyone was in bed because one of my boys is disabled and cannot be left alone (he is severely autistic and becomes agressive and sometimes violent without provocation) and be up until 2 am every night trying to keep up with everything.  I'd get a few hours of sleep or sometimes none at all and I'd try and make it up on those days when they were in school with a nap. This lifestyle caught up with me eventually and I became very sick with exaugstion (sp lol), fatigue, stress, anxiety and I found out I was anemic last May.  It landed me in the ER last Mother's Day on the way to going to meet my fiancee's parents for the first time (I never made it).  I was crying, passing out without even knowing it, and hyperventalating.  

Shortly before this happened, the elementary school where 2 of the triplets went to school contacted the Department of Children and Families and reported me for neglect.  I was actually happy about this as I had tried to get them to help me on a voluntary basis several times but was told that they didn't do that anymore due to lack of funding.  Shortly after my ER visit, DCF 'strongly recomended' that I have their father take them temporarily as a Respite for me as I was sick and this was now a health concern.  I did this as I really didn't have a choice because I was informed that if I didn't do this on a voluntary basis they would step in and remove them.  

I am sharing my story with you to let you know that yes, its okay to say no.  Yes, its okay not to clean the house every single day and keep up with everything to a T.  No one ever got hurt from dust bunnies that's for certain.  

Please get rid of the guilt.  I was told by my therapist many times that Guilt is a wasted emotion. It is a valid one, just recognize it for what it is and move on though to more important things.  Like getting 8 hours of sleep in.  This is a priority.  Also, make sure that you carve out some time during the day (it can be as little as 5 minutes) of sanity time for yourself.  Do you get a meal break at work.  Eat outside if the weather is nice.  When you are done, you could go for a short walk and get your head back in the game.  Take your lunch/dinner breaks at a local mall or window shopping if you can.  Get (or give yourself) a manicure.  Do nice things for yourself.  If you aren't okay then no one else is either.  Put yourself back on the 'list' as I call it.  Kids are always #1 but make yourself 1 1/2.  I was so used to not even being on the 'list' that it was normal until I got sick.  

Mallisa

You are doing great.
On a plane they tell you in case of emergency: first put the oxygen mask on YOU first then assist others... That is like saying unless you are OK - you can't help others .... So I am glad you are saying "no" and taking care of yourself.