Ventilation

I usually try to keep really positive because that is so needed in my new life!  Today the blues have me in their grip and so once again, i need to purge old negative info from my brain and allow in new useful info in. 

GAWD!  I am so damn lonely!  UGH!  It's not the relationship lonely so much as just friendship lonely.  My best friend and I were having a heart to heart that started with the way our kids seem to fart at the most inopportune times. (yeah I know but we use A LOT of humor in our lives to get by) It started out funny and light hearted and then she totally flipped it on me because she loves me and was worried about me.  She said that she had noticed people treating me very different since the surgery and my reaction to that.  One example SHE gave was the friendship her husband and I had.  He used to be excited to hear I was coming over to see his wife and would say, i just love her.  she is so sweet.  Now he is a little standoffish and our days of talking fishing have ceased to exist.  He is a good guy so I know he will come around.  Change is hard.  The more I am myself, the more he will see that I am still the same gal who let him take a pic with my big bass so he could say he caught it since his was puny!  HA!  It doesnt offend me.  But I miss the friendship.  I also explained that he might be feeling a bit nervous about her hanging out with me as a single gal and she is married.  We mostly go to movies or out to eat when we do get to go.  But he sees how some guys react to me now and that might be making him nervous.  Hell i dont know.  I will wait him out.  It will be okay.  In the meantime...i miss my fish talk trashing husband of my best friend buddy. 

Another example she came up with was our friend i will just call Bob.  Bob and I have been friends since we were kids in college.  I knew him when he went on the first date with his wife.  I love them both and we have ALWAYS been friends.  Since losing the weight, it has gotten tense.  When I asked him why we never get to talk anymore, he was very honest and said that he was avoiding me.  When i asked if it was something I did, he quickly said absolutely not.  He didnt want to go into it further but I wasnt going to let it die.  So I asked him again.  This time he admitted that even though he didnt want to, and tried hard not to, he didnt see me in the same way.  and to add to that, neither did his wife.  All of a sudden I am a threat?  Just because I weigh less?  Do either of them think that suddenly I am going to be interested in an affair with a guy who has been like a brother to me just because I had a surgery?  UGH!  How frustrating.  These are good people!  They are smart loving intelligent give you the shirt off their back people.  WHO KNOW ME.  They know my morals.  They know how I am and how I have led my life.  WHAT THE HELL is going on?  lol. 

It's not just male relationships that have changed.  I called up a girl pal of mine and asked her to have lunch with me.  She was very cold on the phone.  I am trying to decide if my behavior has changed or what.  I feel like the same person but a little more confident.  I like myself more today but not because of how i look.  I like that I care enough to take care of myself with diet and exercise and with getting rid of bad relationships and other things.  Hell, I am so critical of my appearance I have to remember to tell myself I am okay.  I dont sleep around.  I dont wear revealing clothing.  I dont go on benders.  Hell i dont really go out!  I am afraid that i will say or do something with people that I am now avoiding some of them!  UGH.  What a cycle. 

And the dating scene?  Oh lord.  It isnt going well.  LOL.  I went out on two dates with a guy. Had a great time both times!  And the third date he wants a kiss.  I did kiss him because I wanted to.  A simple kiss goodnight.  All of a sudden after this kiss he says, I want you to stay the night with me.  And the more he kept saying it, the more pissed I got.  We are in the getting to know each other stage still.  I am so not even close to being ready to sleep with him and he is focused on it.  So I didnt accept the next date.  He didnt try again.  I dont want a right now.  So not what I am looking for.  And I am not ready for a forever either.  Isnt there some middle ground for crying out loud??  Am I wrong here?? 

I am so grateful for my two best friends and that things havent changed with us.  They still see me as their friend, big or small.  I am still the bad joke teller, smiling, loving old person they have always known and loved.  I dont have to have a guard up with them.  It is refreshing and I am so so grateful. 

I am lonely today.  I am *****ing.  I feel empty.  I want to eat.  lol.  And for a split second, I thought that if I was still big, I wouldnt have to worry about any of this.  I would worry about heart attacks and diabetes and dying before I could watch my babies grow up.  Good god my mind is still so sick.  It is a big change I dont care what anyone says.  I recognize all of this as growing pains.  It will pass and it will be okay.  I just needed to get it out and be done with it.  Not eat my way through it.  Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.  Sorry for the vent. 

 I am sorry you are having trouble with your friends. I have to say there are just times when you find out the true strength of a friendship unfortunately. When I got sick and then gained weight I lost a lot of my friends. Some said they just couldn't relate to me anymore; I was the same me only much bigger. It was very frustrating and hurtful. I have since seen this occur with many others....when the cir****tances change. Rich to not so rich...poor to wealthy....fame or loss of it etc and I am sure I will feel that pain again when I lose and become a thinner me. When these things happen to my children I tell them you are a good person and friends change as we mature. Believe me I am no youngster and am still learning and trying to "mature" when this happens. Hang in there, your will find your true friends that will stick through this with you through thick and thin (pun not intended). Keep your head up and know your are a strong and beautiful person and deserve true friendship. Take care and I send all positive thoughts your way.

 Thanks for your heartfelt and honest share .   

All I can say is  I'm so glad U didn't sleep with that worthless dude !    If a guy really cares  about U he WILL wait  U out (  I didn't sleep with my husband  before we were married at ALL - do ya THINK that had  something to do with WHY he PROPOSED lol  ?!! 

There is some old saying about why buy the cow when U can get the milk 4 free ... right ?  

U ARE a different lady now   and Ur relationships will  necessarily be different .  These guys are reacting this way because they AREattracted to U  on a lot of levels ... probably were before  U had surgery too  but your PHYSICAL beauty then did not make them  uncomfortably AWARE of that attraction .  

Now it does.  Their wives will encourage the friendhip again once U get a beau .... and it  sounds like ya got a LINE of willing dates .  PLEASE be VERY choosy .... you deserve the best ... and men LOVE to prove themselves by meeting a demanding  ( but beautiful goodhearted and accomplished ) womans'  expectations...