Newbie Question: How To Tell Kids

Hi all,

I'm at the beginning of this process, targeting a VSG in February.  I'm a single mom with 5 1/2 year old twin girls, one with Aspergers and the other with developmental and emotional delays, and both have issues with anxiety.  I'm struggling with how to tell them about the surgery.

They are both fairly frank, and are aware of my being overweight.  One of my daughters (who is underweight) is already showing signs of concern about getting overweight, and is more concerned with her appearance than I am comfortable.

I've got great family support, so I'm not worried about recovering and day to day activities, but I'm stumped on how to handle this topic with my daughters.  I'd love to hear what advice and experience you all have to share.

P.S. Thoughts on how to handle an ex husband would be a bonus too :)

Thanks in advance!

I had VSG in March 2015.  My son was 9 years old at the time. 

I told him the TRUTH.  I explained that I was overweight and that I needed to lose lots of weight to improve my health.  I wanted to be around for him when he grows up.  

I also explained the process:  I was going to the hospital for 2 days to have SURGERY.  The surgeon would remove 75-80% of my stomach.  When I came home, I would be a little tired (my mother came for 4 days after surgery to care for my son who was on spring break).

The food I eat will change.  I tossed all junk food from the house!  I explained I could (vs. would) no longer eat McD's, icecream, soda, etc.

My son understood this.  He still asks if I can eat certain things.  He does see the change in weight and energy.  

According to him, I have waffle arms instead of pancake arms! 

I still have batwings but no complaints!

Just be very straightforward with your children and involve them in the process instead of hiding it.  Get them involved in the food preparation and exercising.  They will do just fine. 

I have three kids, ages 13,10, and 5.  In the weeks leading up to surgery I told them that I was going on a special diet. Then aweek before surgery I told them everything.  For better or for worse, my wife had been in the hospital quite a bit recently, so they understood what surgery was.  Now, they know that Im back on my special diet and only eat healthy foods.

the amazing part is how little it impacts them.  My oldest recently saw a picture from this past summer (only 6 minths ago) and said, "ohhhhh, now I see it....now I can see that you're losing weight".  Which is unreal......Ive lost 90 lbs since that pic, but they just dont notice it day to day.  I like that.

Kids are smart and know when something is up. I would be honest with them. Tell them you are having surgery on your tummy to help you lose weight. 

Children understand more than we know sometimes. It is hard not to see them as babies. 

Best wishes to you. 

I also think honesty is the best policy. I know family dynamics are different for everyone, but we all have our own ways to break important news to kids so they can understand. Just be as honest as you can without confusing them. I have no clue how to approach your daughters, but I'm sure you can find a way.

As for dealing with the ex, you don't owe him any sort of explanation.  If your daughters happen to spill the beans to him at some point, confirm the fact, but make that be the end of it. Don't allow him any comments at all.

Good luck with everything!

This is always a hard question since only you know your child best and what type of information they can handle without scaring them.

My boys were 10 &12 when I had surgery. I told them that I was having surgery to help me lose weight and simply explained the surgery as making your stomach smaller so you have eat less. I knew they would not be scared, and would be interested in watching this unfold. They only didn't like my stay in the hospital (1 night)- but I reassured them by talking to them via face time to show that I was ok. They were given responsibilities (like laundry****il I was able to do it again. 

Mine were 3 and 5 at the time of my surgery. I told them I was having surgery on my tummy to help me lose weight and get healthier. I answered any questions they had, but I did not keep bringing it up or dwell on it or share my fears with them. How we act has a huge affect on how our kids react. Act like it is no big deal and they will, too.

No advice on the ex. I am a single mother by choice and did not have to deal with that.

Best wishes!!

My best advice is to tell the truth but keep it age appropriate.  "Mom is going to have surgery (or going to see the doctor) to help me lose weight and be more active for you guys.  I might be in the hospital for a couple of days but you will be able to visit me.  I hope you'll make me some get well cards while I'm there.  Nana and Grampy will be taking care of you when I'm there.  When I come home, I will only be able to eat a little bit at a time until my stomach heals..." etc.

I've raised grieving children so I have a lot of experience here.  Truth is always best...but keep it at their level.  Good luck!

This is great advice.

This is all really great advice, thank you!!!!