I hate myself.

I am just ashamed of how I am. Sure I have more energy from losing fifty lbs. But if I did more and ate better, it could be more. I could have lost way more by now.  By now I have figured out that sugar doesn't make me sick and soda doesn't make me hurt. I have always been addicted to carbonated beverages, even if they are "diet". I don't gorge on sugar but I do eat it here and there like on Halloween. Also, the biggest problem I have is drinking with my food. I HATE not washing my food down, and when I go for that drink, I literally think to myself, maybe it will wa**** out before it absorbs and I will lose more weight. HA! Does anyone else's mind try to convince them or talk them into things the way mine does? I know the truth, but I blind myself to it. It's almost self hatred sabotage. I long for the day when I wake up and something clicks in me. April, you can't keep doing what you want. You have to put down what you love and what comforts you, and do what is best for your body. I keep telling myself this. But nothing happens. I don't understand and I hate myself so much right now that my eyes are filling with tears as I type. 

I feel like a failure. Almost five months in and I don't have that much to show for it.

Fifty pounds isn't awful. It is more than we'd ever lose 5 months without surgery.  

I hate that you're feeling this way. Hugs. 

You can turn this around. I don't have any tips or tricks; I wish I did. I know one person posted that she'd suck on an ice cube after a bite if her mouth felt dry. 

You've had some missteps, and you realize it-that's the first step. 

You want to correct your behavior -another step in the right direction.

The hardest part is doing what you need to do. It will suck, but it's necessary to stop drinking with meals and stop the sugar. 

Hopefully you'll get replies on how to break that habit. You may just have to go cold turkey. ( See I even avoided a goofy "cold drink" joke! ) 

More hugs, April. You can do this. 

Edited for slow mind, fast fingers syndrome. 

Thanks soooo much Audrey. I was scared to read replies, as scared as I was to post this but I know that admitting it and getting accountability and support are important. Thank you so much for the encouragement, it means so much more than you know!

I have heard somewhere that topamax can be used to break a habit of drinking carbonated beverages . I don't know what to say to help you other than ,  you have to follow the rules if you want to succeed . You can do it. You CAN  make up your mind and start doing the right thing . 

Topamax is a big help for me :). If you're depressed combine it with Wellbutrin which helps u lose weight and also excercise ((( hugs))) 

There are times in this new life when we all feel we could be doing better. If you can tolerate diet soda, it is not the end of the world. I know last year my surgeon went to some medical conference where they gave a strong enough presentation on it that he changed his stance from 'never' to 'not for the first 6 months.'

Can you work your way down to taking 'sips' with meals rather than drinking a lot? Only put out a 4oz glass or something. The problem with the washing away of the food is then we don't feel full. If you weigh and measure and stop when the food is done... that will help. I set my phone or oven timer for 30 minutes after I stop eating many times...sometimes so I don't drink, and sometimes so I remember to start.

You need to get some support- therapist- support groups- come on here daily... don't disappear. Post on the daily menu thread. Be Pro-active things can change. 50lbs in 5 months is not nothing.... you are still in your honeymoon period and still have a tool. I remember telling myself if I was going to do this I was making it my 'job'.... I also remember someone on here saying 'be a machine' and in the beginning that is so true. Routine is your friend. Throw out the crap food. If it is your families goodies- tell them to hide it, or something....

See the link to the 5 day meat test in my signature- it might help....

Thanks so much Cynthia. :) I am indeed going to try to sip instead of drink, then work to not even sipping.

I don't know why you're worried. 50lbs is a boatload of weight in 5 months. It's not a race, but a long steady journey. I also drink fluids while I eat and still love sweets. I just monitor what I eat with MyFitnessPal, and also track steps to make sure I get some exercise everyday.

There is no major number to get to. Just gravitate in the right direction over time and you'll be fine.

Magic number

 For RNYers: Drinking with our meals greatly increases the chances of not making it to goal or having a large regain. When we drink with meals, it washes the food out of our pouches ( if you've had RNY ) and enables us to eat more food, more calories, than we need. We have WLS, in part,to get a handle on portion size, but drinking with our meals negates our getting full on a smaller amount of food. 

 Plus, it's just not good for us to have so much undigested food sitting in our intestines. At least when we avoid drinking until 30 minutes or more after eating, it allows the food to enter our intestines slower-and allows digestion to take place at the rate it was meant to take. 

Edited to add: JMuldune, I read your profile and noticed you had a different procedure than the RNY. The  procedures two have somewhat different guidelines. RNYers are told from our very first appointments to never drink with meals. The scenario I outlined above is a surety if we violate that rule. I'm not sure about your surgery; I've never researched it since was not a choice for me.