Bad experience this weekend

Hi everyone.  I think I'll write a blog post about this later but just wanted to post in the forum while I have a second.  I went back to my hometown for a few days this weekend and had an ok time but I was so uncomfortable.  I went out with some friends to a few bars and all I wanted to do was go home. I didn't want to drink and I just felt everyone's stares at the enormous girl in the bar.  How dare I come into public looking like that?? Not to mention, the first place we went had barstools with arms on the chairs and i didn't fit in them.  The arms cut into my thighs so the entire time I had to stand or just lean against the chair.  Then we went to another place that was better but I felt like everyone was just staring at the enormous girl sitting at the table.  I felt completely out of place and so horrible.

SO anyways, I get past the evening and head home the next day. I wake up this morning and my friend posted pictures of the evening on Facebook. I, honest to God, looked as if I was wearing a fat suit.  I look like I belong on one of those Big Mama's house movies or whatever where it is comically obvious the person is wearing a fat suit. I was so upset. I tried desperately to untag myself from the pictures but I couldn't do it on my phone.  I ran to my laptop and pulled up Facebook but I couldn't figure it out from there either.  I just ended up deactivating my account altogether. Good riddance Facebook.

I am so incredibly embarrassed that people saw those pictures.  I have only posted face pictures recently on Facebook because I am so ashamed of my body right now.  This kind of "outed" me and I was really upset.  I just don't like that people from high school or old acquaintances are probably gawking at how disgusting and fat I am now.  I get enough of that from strangers but at least they don't know me.

I am supposed to be going to my cousin's this weekend to hang out with her and some girlfriends. Her husband and kids are going to be out of town and she wants to have a girls weekend. Yea.... I am definitely not going to that.  I might have to lie and say I am sick or something but all her friends are skinny, gorgeous girls and I cannot do another weekend of token fat girl.  And not just fat... outrageously freakshow fat. Stare with your mouth hanging open and wonder how I could let myself get so fat fat.  I also had plans with some friends coming down to visit me for New Years weekend but that is going to have to be canceled also.  I just can't do it right now.  This weekend and those pictures have just put me in a horrible place.  Bad memories of embarrassing times are swirling around in my head and I feel like all I can do is cry.  And the ****ty thing about it... all I want to do is eat. That's the only thing that would make me feel better now. My house is a disgusting mess, I'm being mean to my husband and stepkids, I have tons of work to do and all I want to do is crawl in bed and sleep for 3 weeks until my surgery.

I know a lot of people here can relate. Thanks for giving me an outlet for my misery today.

Woah there girlie!  You just completely beat yourself down do you realize that?  What makes you think that you don't deserve to be out in public and enjoy your life?  I realize it's so difficult to accept pictures of yourself at that size...but you are a person inside.  Why is it that big people don't deserve the same respect as other's do?  No no no!  You need to LOVE yourself at any size.  No beating yourself up...you are on the right track and if people judge you F them.  No one knows what it's like to be you.  You deserve to enjoy yourself in public.  Let the bad feelings and self hatred go.  You will need to do this to get where you are going.  For me it started with acceptance of myself.  I stopped lying to myself and I loved my body no matter how big I was.  Why?  Because even though I toured it with gaining all the weight it sustained me.  It kept going despite the abuse I put it though.  What an amazing thing!  Time to Love you!

I totally understand why you are feeling badly. I have been there. But the fact that people invite you to join them tells me they value the person you are not the person you wish you looked like. You cannot stop living until you have surgery. Please know that life is too short to hide. I'm so sorry you are feeling down. Please reconsider your decision to not hang with the girls next weekend. Try to have some fun and be the girl everyone is looking forward to see. You must be amazing since everyone loves being with you.  I wish you the best. Hugs, Sharon 

Both previous andwers are so freaking true. Please pause and think about it for a minute. I understand what you are saying. I did it as well. But when I stopped restraining myself and enjoyed it. I will not lie to you. Since I lost weight, people SEE ME. It is empowering and frustrating. And even if I am 115 pounds lighter, I still wish I could hide. I have been asked to go to cuba with a friend and my answer was no at first because I didn't want to appear in a bathing suit in front of people.

I might be wrong but to me problems with self esteam as ALWAYS been an issue. No matter what it was there was always something about my body that I felt bad about. And it is still like this today. This is MY challenge. I am learning slowly to not stop myself for others people looks. And I am not saying it doesn't hurt anymore, but I deal with it instead of hiding

Yes, we HAVE all been there, but don't let that hold you back from living your life and having some fun. It doesn't matter what size you are, you deserve to have some fun too. There's photos of me on Facebook that are very unflattering, but it's who I am/was. It doesn't matter. We only think people are gawking, most often times, it's us that's feeling self conscious.

Don't answer this, but think about therapy as well. I waited until the month before my surgery to seek out therapy and, honestly, it's probably been more important than the weight loss surgery and why I haven't slipped back into my old habits after 18 months.

((HUGS))

I understand all to well....

My little sister got married on October 13th. Long story but they had a pirate themed wedding. All of us bridesmaids had custom corsets and longs flowing skirts. It was beautiful! The photographer was awesome and he was REALLY good. She looked like a model. I felt pretty for the first time in a long time. Until I saw the pictures, I, at 401lbs was the first thing you see in all of them. You can tell that the photographer tried to do the best that he could but it was just aweful. I cried so hard the night I saw them. I told my husband through sobs that I ruined her beautiful wedding photos. I hated myself for a few days. Untagged the photos and all but I know many people saw them and were shocked. So what came of it? Iron willed resolve. I went on a super low carb diet, stuck 100% to my liquid diet and as of today am now at 352. I am two weeks post op and am watching this weight melt off. I feel great! I know that extreme sadness and embarrassment that those photos did to me and I know that I dont ever want to feel like that again. I will remember that feeling every time I want to put something bad for me into my body. I dont ever want to feel like that again. Here is one of the better pics from the wedding :)

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

Thanks everyone for your comments. I feel better today; I just needed to vent.  I still don't think I am in a place where I can go out with my friends before the surgery.  I am not strong willed enough not to eat bad things or drink alcohol and my preop diet starts officially tomorrow.  So I am just going to focus on that for now.  Hopefully, there will be many other opportunities to go out with them after this is all over.

Angie, thank you for sharing your experience. Congrats on your weight loss! I bet you are feeling so good about yourself.  I know exactly how you felt that day and I'm sorry that happened.  Hopefully both of us can put those painful memories in the past. 

 

I understand exactly how you feel, I have untagged myself in numerous fb photos! However, I'm really hoping you are considering some therapy. It will take quite some time after surgery for you to lose the weight, are you planning on never going out? And if you aren't strong enough to adhere to the diet while you are around others who are eating , do you have a plan in place for how you will handle this after surgery? Surgery alone isn't going to make you eat right - you have to do that. And if you are around people eating foods you cannot eat, but want, what will stop you from eating them?

we will show them all when we all look great by next fall